From the Corners of My Memory.

This little saying has been rolling around in my head the last few weeks

"It take a little courage and a little self-control, some grim determination if you want to reach your goal."

I couldn't remember the rest of the saying but I knew where it was from.

In high school I wasn't the best, fastest, tallest player on the basketball team. I was the 6th player on a 6-player team. It was a team that won sectionals, a championship game I didn't play in but did my best to be a part of. Knowing my place on the team wasn't to be a star on the court, I did my best to encourage the team on the way to games and that little phrase rolling around in my head was from one of the sayings I would post in the bus.

One of the things I know about myself I learned through that basketball team. I have the power to choose my place on a team. You can be discouraged by being 6th, or you can make an impact in that role. I also learned that I have the ability to encourage others. I know that through this journey I have been motivated by the thought of encouraging and inspiring others.

After weeks of the phrase rolling around I finally looked up the rest of it. I think it is a saying that will come back for the next few months to take me from celebrating 100 pounds to 140.

"It takes a little courage, and a little self-control. And some grim determination, If you want to reach the goal. It takes a deal of striving, and a firm and stern-set chin. No matter what the battle, If you really want to win. There's no easy path to glory, There's no rosy road to fame. Life, however we may view it, Is no simple parlor game; But it's prizes call for fighting, For endurance and for grit; For a rugged disposition and a don't know when to quit."--Anonymous

The 100th Pound

If you haven't seen the new thermometer, you should take a look.

Amazing milestone achieved as I've lost my 100th pound! Only 40 pounds remain between me and my goal. But for a moment I will breath this success in, let you celebrate with me and go buy myself a computer!

That's right. I've decided to reward myself by taking some savings I have accumulated, even as I've paid down my debt, and buy myself a laptop. The last time I had a laptop was in 2006 which was stolen from my apartment.

A computer's a big reward but this was a huge milestone. As the blog became more important to me, and with the dream of a book and cookbook, not having a computer was becoming more frustrating. So here I am...catching you up on my life over the last few weeks as I leave 2009 sixty pounds lighter than I entered it and 100 pounds lighter than I entered 2008.

Now that's something to celebrate!

The Birthday after the Run.

Even though it felt like my birthday could have been over after the half-marathon there were still more festivities to be had.

After lots of photo taking...

Even though I still couldn't get my arm back in my shirt because it was wet...

and even including some in my birthday hat and handcrafted headband.

We cleaned up for brunch at our favorite place "The Dish". Alyssa posed us with our medals and coffee.

After lots of icing...I mean "peas and corning", my knees & watching mindless TV it was time to get into our party outfits for dinner.

In addition to the party dresses, we were excited about the wine. Heidi and I had not had wine while training.

Dinner in, made by chef Bill.

Even the guys dress up!

Cupcakes for dessert. Red Velvet!

I was very excited about my Red Velvet!

And after Dinner we posed for pictures. Of course. We looked hot. Why would we miss a photo op?

A good golden the birthday? I went to bed that night knowing it was the best. Amazing acheivements celebrated with amazing friends...and a pretty amazing cupcake too.

Pre-Run Pics

Seattle wasn't all about running. It was also birthday, Thanksgiving, concert, girl time. Here are a few photos of the pre-run fun.

From our first training run together...a rainy 10 miles. Alyssa met us at mile 5. She said it was good she didn't bring a camera because we looked like drowned rats. We decided she needing lessons on being a cheerleader. :)

I fell.

Heidi wore a camel pack which was good when my water bottle got covered in mud. She was nice enough to share. See her run? It doesn't even jiggle (the water in the pack, that is)

My feet. Dirty.

I liked cooking for my friends this time. I don't know what I was making but I think they liked it and I looked like I had fun making it.

We went to my first concert ever, Swell Season. I never had heard of the band either but I knew one of their songs and loved it. Here is a cute pic of us...after taking 10 photos, all with the forbidden flash. oops.

The Birthday Run.

It takes a lot to get from before to after. gu, water, gatorade and mental stamina. all that and a perfectly timed playlist, along with a great race buddy.

How was the race? People ask and I say 'great' because I finished and I felt great to finish.

Ask me, how was the race, and here are some of the things I remember.

Hoping the port-a-potty line would move faster so we could start the race on time.

Having to "jump" over a gate to start the race. Apparently we should have started farther back.

The wall of people running up the hill in downtown Seattle. I wished for a camera when I saw that wall of bodies on the street.

Running the first 5k in under 10 minute miles. Over 6 minutes faster than I ran my first race in April.

Feeling the blister on my baby toe at mile 3 (and every step thereafter).

Yelling "It's my birthday" to random cheering people.

Hearing Heidi yell "It's her birthday" to random cheering people.

Bossing Heidi through a various obvious turn and her making fun of me.

Saying how perfect our playlist was over and over and over.

Pulling off one arm of my top layer.

Passing walkers up a hill.

Getting passed by the walkers as they started to run down the hill

Cussing at the lady who ran around me only to stop and walk RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! at like mile 12! grrr.

"You Own Today!" being the best cheer someone yelled while we ran past

The water stops where you just felt so important as people cheered and catered to you

Trying to keep an eye on Heidi as she ran easily up the hills.

Telling myself I was going as fast as I physically could and that was all I needed to worry about.

Holding back tears as I hurt.

Chanting positive thoughts to myself as all the angry ones were yelling.

Pulling off the second arm of my top layer.

Thinking my shoes were DONE. Replacements needed.

Being disappointed that I couldn't laugh with Heidi at the funny song because I just hurt mentally and physically too much at mile 11/12 or somewhere in there.

Finishing the last hill, knowing it was just a sprint from there.

Hearing Bill at the beginning of the chute cheering us on.

Watching Heidi finish just before me, cheering her on in my head as I ran.

Frantically looking for Heidi after I crossed the finish line.

Falling into Heidi's arms for a giant hug, choking back tears in amazement that we did this.

and we did it faster than I had hoped. Ending time for me?

2:34:06

I had hoped for less than 2:45 which was a 12:45 minute mile. My actual time had me at a 11:45 minute mile...faster than I had ever run in my individual training runs.

A great run. A great partner. A great birthday. A great year ahead.

Begin with a Bang

The bang of a starting gun that is.


Ok, so really the morning began with my body waking me up, without the alarm sounding, thanks to the anticipation of the big race. 4:30am. Happy Birthday to me.

Last night ended with me being teary-eyed. This is a big deal. I'm turning 29 on the 29th, in Seattle by running 13.1 miles...after starting 28 without being able to run one mile.

This is the year I finish losing weight. Finish paying off debt. Finish a full marathon.

PAUSE. Breath. First I have to run today.

We start with breakfast. I practiced this breakfast last week. I make this breakfast perfectly every time.
Except for this morning. New oats...they overflowed. oops.

After an early morning phone call from my family wishing me happy birthday and good race, along with a few ecards, I was left teary again. At this rate I'll never make it through the race but I think maybe I'm just getting it out of my system.

At about 6am Alyssa and I picked up Heidi to get dropped off at the starting line. We'd see Alyssa again after we'd finished 13.1 miles.

heidi gets in the car. I'm too excited to hold the camera steady.

The honing device on my ankle. AKA: Timing Chip.

In my headband made for me by my niece Adria.

Preperation is Key.

"You will be fine! You have trained for this and you will finish!"

Alyssa yells at Heidi and I from the kitchen. That dose of reality is helpful when you begin to talk about what happens if you can't finish.

This week has been tough...more accurately, walking has been tough. My leg has been bothering me, more than I've let on to anyone. I keep thinking that if I tell myself I am fine, the pain will stop but the advil I keep taking makes me realize that isn't the truth.

One race. 13.1 miles. That is all my leg needs to make it through...the part that worries me the most is if my mind can make it through 13.1 miles of pain in my leg.

Training for this run is not just a physical preparation, it is mental as well. You can see the mental changes in the way I eat, lace my shoes in anticipation of an afternoon run, my excitement in new workout gear. I can feel the mental changes as I use one of my new techniques to think not about my legs or blisters or knee but to think about my strength and endurance.

I know I'm prepared but there is one more thing I can do. It is the night before the race and Heidi and I have just finished our half-marathon run play list. Heidi was on itunes while I viewed the race map. At the end of our effort was a perfect playlist timed to be fast on the hills, silly when we'll be tired and keeping pace for some good timed miles.

My Biggest Loser Inspiration.

It is two weeks before the half-marathon...

Rebecca just got kicked off the Biggest Loser.

I like Rebecca. She seemed a little sassy, a little stylish, a little something I could relate to. She started on the Biggest Loser the same weight I was when I began this journey.

In the "where are they now" segment they played after she got kicked off she was running a half-marathon. She started and finished her half-marathon weighing the same weight I am for my half-marathon.

Her goal weight is my goal weight. (and having seen the finale she made it and looked hot.)

Rebecca is my Biggest Loser inspiration. Her journey is different from my journey but our milestones are similar and she reminds me to hold strong to the fact that it will happen.

139.8 will soon happen. In the meantime I can look at Rebecca at my goal weight and be pretty excited to get there.

Finisher.

Two weeks before the run and it feels like all tears all the time. Whether it was the stress of a busy work week, the preperation to leave for Seattle, the realization that my mother can't watch me cross the finish line (she so graciously suggested) something cause tears to be ready to fall at a moments notice.

I know there is one thing that is making me overwhelmed with emotion. I am going to finish this.

For so long I haven't considered myself a finisher. I start things, have great intentions and never follow it all the way through to the end with the same passion that I started it with. The example that follows me through this journey to lose weight is from when I lost weight in college - I was 15 pounds from my goal and I didn't finish it out.

"I am going to finish this."

This journey is more than losing weight, it is losing the baggage of past failures, of all the disappointments from the girl I thought I was. I lose a pound, I run another mile and I see the woman I am becoming.

I am beginning to believe she is a finisher.

Still Alive and Kickin'

Don't worry. I'm still alive and kickin' (or more appropriately alive and runnin'.) Posts of substance in progress, to be shared in the next few days.

In the meantime, checkout the thermometer. 90 pounds have come and, more importantly, gone!

A Morning Miracle.

For weeks (ok, ok...months) I've been attempting to wake up in the morning for a workout before starting the workday.

This morning a miracle occurred. I awoke at 6:00am alert enough to coax myself out of bed and into workout gear. My shoes were laced before I heard the rain pouring outside...a lucky break since hearing the rain would have ensured my hitting snooze. I didn't have the mental stamina to face a 4.5 mile run in the dark, cold rain at 6am but since I was already dressed I hit the fitness room for 60 minutes on the stationary bike.

It turned out to be a good way to start out the day. It's not yet a habit but at least the snooze standard was broken. Can I make it two days in a row? We'll see tomorrow but staying at a place with no easy access to TV or other evening distractions defiantly makes the odds higher. It's 9pm and I'm crawling into bed.

One morning miracle workout down...and still more than a month to train myself to enjoy it before the half-marathon.

Needs Unknown.

It is nice when you get things you don't know you need.

Last night I had to face the reality that I had to pack again for 12 days away from home. I had been home for just a week, getting into a routine and sticking to the no cheat challenge and training for the half marathon. I was not excited to leave again. I was not excited for the challenge of 12 days away from home, very busy work days, workouts in hotel fitness rooms, creative healthy meals, no cooking... The scale is moving and I don't want it to stop!

Today I received a few gifts to encourage me as I go into these 12 days away from home.

1. The man at the rental car counter looked at my driver's license (the worst picture on the face of the planet) and then looked at me. "You've lost a lot of weight," he said. "You look beautiful."

2. I was running my 4.5 miles (yes, my 'short runs' are now 4.5 miles) on the treadmill after a full day of travel. Biggest Loser was on and encouraging me to push through the run even though I hated doing it on the treadmill. I handed the remote over to the other guy who had been in the room with me as I was preparing to leave. "I should probably keep watching it," he said. "We're doing the Biggest Loser at work and although us guys started out strong the women have taken the lead." We had a casual little chat about the difficulty of losing weight while traveling and ended the conversation by saying we'd see each other again since we're both here for the week.

3. I found a new favorite airport food at Chicago Midway. Potbelly Turkey sandwich with hot peppers. YUMM. Just thinking of it makes me happy. Typically, my travel days are filled with food temptations but today was a huge success. I ate my favorite sandwich, found a subway next to the hotel for dinner and when I tallied up what I had eaten I was at the exact place I was supposed to be! I'm getting pretty good at this whole 'choices' thing.

4. The hotel has free Exercise TV. 15 minute workouts great for a hotel room. A good way to get in some strength training without weights.

5. The hotel room has a rain shower head. This doesn't make workouts or eating well easier (although the microwave and mini-fridge do) but it sure did make me happy. Oh, and I look forward to a post-workout shower so maybe it does make me want to workout!

So those were a few gifts I received that I didn't know I needed but they made the first day of 12 a pretty good one.

Single Serving: Turkey Salad Scrumptious

Place this scrumptious turkey salad over a cup of spinach for a delicious salad.

Salad:
2 ounces turkey breast cubed
1/2 stalk celery
2 slices red onion
7 grapes
1/4 apple
2 t raisins (or craisins)
1/2 T almonds, slivered and toasted

Chop the ingredients above to about the same size and toss together. Set aside to prepare dressing.

Dressing:
1 t dijon mustard
1 t mayo
3 t apple cider vinegar

Mix all the dressing ingredients with a spoon. Toss over turkey salad mixture. Eat and enjoy.

Single Serving: Warm Beet and Blue Cheese Salad

2 red beets
1 T blue cheese
1 t olive oil
2 t red wine vinegar
1 t dijon mustard

Boil water, add red beets and bring back to boil. Reduce to simmer and cover. Cook red beets until they are tender when poked by a fork. When tender, drain water and rinse with cold water. Peel beets and slice into 1/4 inch slices.

Make dressing by placing olive oil, vinegar and mustard in small container and shake until well mixed.

Toss beets in dressing, plate and sprinkle with blue cheese.

Variation: Steam a handful of green beans and plate under the beets for a lovely Green Bean and Beet salad.

A Cheat Challenge.

I don't think of myself as a cheater. Maybe other people would say I'm a cheater, but I consider myself flexible and forgiving. They call it cheating for a reason. I always thought of the term "cheat" in the context of what you eat as eating something you shouldn't. The term was always about the food but I realized it's not about the food. It's about me.

When I cheat, I cheat myself. I cheat myself out of seeing the benefits of the 6 miles I ran today. I cheat myself out of an additional pound lost this week. I cheat myself out of the reward I'm so close to earning. I cheat myself out of celebration and into frustration. I cheat myself out of more time spent at my goal weight. The more "cheats" the more delays. I am very good at being forgiving, I don't beat myself up when I choose to cheat but I had never thought of the long term, the building effect the cheats have.

So. I've decided to issue myself a cheat challenge. No cheats. If I taste it, I count it and in any given week, I can't eat more than I should. If I've got a workout scheduled, I do it. All of it. I know how I cheat and I'm challenging myself to stop it.

My "no cheat challenge" started today and goes until November 29th, the half-marathon. My weight-loss goals in that time are challenging but I can't wait to see what I can accomplish when I respect myself enough not to cheat.

Cowboys and Ice.

My last night at my sister's in Colorado... After the accidental run I iced my knees, drank my tea and sang "Home on the Range" with my favorite Colorado Cowgirl. A good night indeed.

Every time I'm with my nieces I'm reminded of reasons I'm running my weight away. There was a time when I would not have been able to chase them, swing them around or have a dance party with them. Instead, I am a participant in their lives, not simply the observe I would have otherwise been.

The Accidental Run.

I'm in Colorado for work and lucky enough to be staying with my sister. Today was a gorgeous sunny and 65degree day, perfect for a run outside. So, after much discussion over where to run, we decided to head to the river where there was a five mile path along the river with distance markers along the way. A rolling run for me and a nice place for my sister to walk with my sisters.

As I started out on the run I was prepared to go to distance marker 20. The markers were in 1/10 of a mile intervals and I would run two miles, turn around and meet my sister back at the beginning, getting in a good 4 miles.

Marker 1 came slowly, marker 2 even more so...I didn't know why I was running so slowly. I was having a mental argument with myself, convinced that I was running so slowly my sister, walking at the pace of a 2-year old, would soon be nipping at my heals.

The markers came and went while my discouragement only built. What had I eaten to make me so slow? I changed my workout schedule and was paying the price. I would never be able to make it four miles today and over and over I tried to convince myself to stop and turn around early.

Finally, I was away from the river and entering an industrial park near marker 15. The microchip in my brain recorded the following argument: "I am pathetic, unable to make it even two miles. I should just call my sister and have her pick me up. I didn't bring my cell phone. The sun will set and they will think I'm lost. This is why I always know the destination when I run! What was I thinking just 'going with the flow'!?" Then, I burst into tears while still running.

Finally at marker 15 I conceded, turning around while still crying and telling myself that at marker 8 I could stop running and walk the rest of the way because stress while running would simply cause injury. As I was nearing the walking reprieve, I asked a woman beside me for the time. 5:55pm and I had begun at 5pm. With a sigh I then asked "and these markers are for just 1/10th of a mile, right?" She began to laugh. "Oh no, Honey," she replied, "that's a quarter mile."

She laughed on her way and I tried to pry my chin off my still running chest. Calculations ensued. I had already finished 5 miles, the same length as my long run from Sunday. I still had 2.5 miles to get back to the car.

As tired as I was, I was excited. Knowing this changed the way I thought of the entire run. I wasn't slow, I was superwoman. I'd run 5 miles in 55 minutes! If I kept going I would run a quarter marathon and I still have 7 weeks of training!

I finally finished my run at 7 miles. Having met my sister at marker 5 (and yes, she was wondering where I had been.) I walked with her the last half mile to cool my aching body down. 7 miles. 75 minutes. My best run yet.

I find it amazing how quickly a mind can shift from tears to joy, from calling itself "wussy wanna-be" to "serious superwoman" in a matter of seconds. Had I gone out today to run 7 miles (and mind you I was trying to get people to tell me I didn't really have to run the four.) my mindset would have been different from the beginning and I would have saved myself frustration of 55 confused minutes. It might not have been easy but it would have been easier than beating myself.

What else do I beat myself up for that if I knew the facts, I would see I was exceeding my expectations, not failing them? What other markers am I passing where the mileage is just completely off? Hopefully there are less than there were a year ago but I know they still exist . This accidental run is a good reminder to beat myself up a little less and call myself superwoman a little more.

Single Satisfaction

In this journey I am finding pride in my choices, peace with where I am today and simple happiness. I was talking with my friend about being single. This is what I told her I realized.

I am happy and I happen to be single. When I was dating, I was never this happy. I wasn't even this happy single before and I know I wasn't choosing relationships that were going to bring me happiness.

I am happy and I happen to be single. The relationships I choose today are relationships that enrich my life, add joy to it. I enjoy being happy and if I happen to be single, fine. I know when the time comes that I'm not single, that relationship will be one of respect, joy, adventure and more happiness than I can imagine.

I am happy and yes, I happen to be single.

Call it a Switchback.

Switchbacks: trails with very sharp turns. trails that wind, making them less steep than a strait trail.

I spent this past weekend in the mountains. As a person who finds peace at the water, I never understood the draw of the mountains. As a person who loves new ways to workout, I understand the draw of the hike. Saturday I spent 90 minutes hiking around with no distractions...no people, no ipod, no cellphone.

As I enjoyed the fresh air, the rustle of the aspen leaves, the blue sky and beautiful views I thought about switchbacks and plateaus.

During weight loss you experience periods where the scale doesn't change. I know this because my scale hasn't changed since August. These periods are called plateaus and are frustrating to the point of tears. I shed some just last week from the frustration. You think you are doing what you need to be doing and still, the scale does not change.

As I was hiking, I was winding through switchback trails. I knew I was going up the mountain but the switchback made the climb up a more manageable incline and I really didn't think I was going that far up. Then there was a clearing. The trees broke, I could look down to where I had climbed from and I saw how far I had come.

Maybe they shouldn't be called plateaus in weight loss, but switchbacks. You know you're doing the work but you don't see the results but then, all of a sudden, the trees break and the scale changes.

This week I reached the top of this switchback and the scale went down.

The Half Marathon

"I've decided to run the half-marathon and you should run a half-marathon with me." says my best friend as we talk while I drive from Cleveland to Goshen. I had been in a work-out lull for a few weeks, I was getting back on track, needing a goal to work towards and the race was in Seattle on my 29th birthday. I said yes. I said yes to running a half-marathon in Seattle, on my birthday, 11 weeks from the day we made the decision.

Two days ago I ran 5.6 miles in 45degree drizzly rain, the perfect training run for Seattle really. I had given myself permission to put off my run until the next day thanks to the cold, the wet and the dark but just as my little devil said I could postpone, the angel put on my tennis shoes and hit the road for one of my best runs yet.

The map of the marathon is on my desktop, I'm memorizing the route, memorizing the inclines, declines and water stops. When I run, I visualize the route I'll be running in a few weeks, visualize myself saying goodbye to fear and hello to the finish line.

I'm now on week number of 5 of a 12 week training plan. The first week of training the longest run was 4 miles and already I'm running 4 miles on a routine day. I buy Runner's World magazine, I pour over them whenever I can and when people ask "Are you a runner?" I proudly say "Yes. I am."

I will be starting my 29th year by finishing a half-marathon. I will finish my 29th year by completing a marathon. I think 29 will rock.

Single Serving

I have a great idea for a cookbook. Well, at least I think it is a great idea.

One of the hardest things about eating well is learning how to cook for one. When you use recipes, they serve 4 or more. Well, silly healthy cookbooks, when you are overweight you aren't very good with portion control and if you cook a meal for four and you are only one, it is likely you will eat more than you should.

There are only so many times you can eat the same leftovers. Cooking and freezing ahead is a great option but the idea of cooking and freezing isn't appealing to everyone. So, how do you cook for one when the grocery stores and cookbooks are built to cook for four? That is the cookbook I want to write.

When I am home my favorite time of day is lunch, when I can scrounge through the pantry, freezer and fresh foods to make a meal just for myself. I will start to write some of these recipes down and work towards creating a cookbook written just for one. So, maybe if you are lucky, I will begin a weekly sharing of my recipes written just for one...fresh, fast and fabulous single servings.

Fall Focus

Summer's slip has turned like the weather into a Fall of focus. Labor day weekend I went to Grand Marais and had a chance to take a deep breath of Lake Superior air. It was weekend that tipped summer to fall...from a season of slip to focus.

After a beautiful still day on the beach, a book read from cover to cover, I was inspired to lace up my running shoes for the first time in weeks. Shoes laced, I hit the road out of town, not knowing where it would take me. As I ran out of town, I realized how bored I'd become with my workouts. The same routines, the same trail, the same ole' same ole'. Running out of town, I embraced to freedom of the unknown road and breathed in the possibilities before me. Possibilities...it is one of the things I find peace in. I have always known I enjoy beaches where you can't see land on the other side and now I know I love running roads when you don't know what you might encounter. You might even find your name carved into rock on the beautiful lake shore.

Possibilities.

Isn't that part of what this whole journey is about? When I started this, I knew that I was unhappy, felt like I had no options. Losing weight might not be easy but the possibilities before me are worth it. Oh, and so am I.

The Summer Slip.

June and July rocked. I was working out 6 days a week with butt-kicking workout videos from Jillian Michaels. I was getting all kinds of muscles and even some abdominal muscles. The weight loss was slow but the workouts were awesome. Then came the summer slip...summer came and the focus slipped away.

Last year the summer slip led to a 15 pound gain and only ended after a major bout of food poisoning kick started 5 of 15 back off. This year the summer slip was not nearly as severe. I managed to only gain a few pounds and they were back off in a week.

Beating myself up over the slip would have been easy but wouldn't have done any good. Summer comes each year, each year I'll slip at least a little bit. It isn't realistic to expect never to slip but it is realistic to expect that the slips will get shorter and the bounce back will take less time. So that is what I did during my summer slip. I forgave myself and kept stepping on the scale.

I must admit though....I do miss the mega muscles and the day I realized they weren't as big was the day my slip stopped.

The Tattoo.

My mother may not want to read this one... :)

I've been thinking of the perfect tattoo. I've been thinking of this for a while - sketching designs, trying to determine what about this journey I would want forever inked onto my skin since the tattoo would come only after losing half of myself. True, there are still many pounds to shed before I can commemorate with ink but I figure if I would live with this tattoo for the rest of my life it wouldn't be a bad idea to sit with the idea of the tattoo for a while to make sure I'd want it forever.

The other day at work I saw a piece of wall art and knew immediately that was it...that it was my tattoo. The tattoo is inspired by a cut metal piece from Haiti, the country that has inspired me in my work for so many years. Beyond work, these artisans have inspired me personally. These are artisans who take what others discard, imagine what could be, create art and put hope that each piece will bring them a better future.

"Earth Mother" they call her, this women with stem and leaves forming her shape like she is grown from the earth. This woman is rooted, yet flexible like the branches of the tree. Her hips are rounded like a heart, arms spread wide open to the possibilities, welcoming life. In her hand I will add a bird, a symbol of fears that I held onto for so long allowing them to hold me back. This bird, though, will be poised for flight, the fear being released allowing other things to come into grasp. And at the base of this woman a word signed where the artist would sign it, a single word that summarizes this journey of forgiveness, self, strength, hope and future...the one word yet to be determined.

Since this sculpture inspired the tattoo I can feel it on my skin, imagining where it will be. I visualize it, know what it represents and I begin to draw motivation to continue this journey one pound, one day and one choice at a time.

And frankly, I'm just so excited about the tattoo right now that if losing weight faster means getting it sooner...that could be some good motivation.

The Last Day of 2's

Today is the last day my weight will begin with a 2.

I weighed in today at 200.6, less than a pound from the 80 pounds lost mark. I could have been disappointed to not be in 199's, not to have made the 80 pounds this week but I'm surprisingly not.

Today is a day to celebrate, to remember, to carve in my memory as a day never to experience again. Today is the last day my weight will begin with a 2. Today is the last day I will type 200 into the treadmill when it asks for my weight. Today is the day I say good-bye to set of numbers I have lived in since 2004. Today is the last time you will see the thermometer read more than 60 pounds to lose because the next weigh in will throw me over the 80 pound lost mark.

Today is a day to say good-bye and be happy about it.

Dream.

I enjoyed singing along to a wonderful playlist as I walked the beach in the evening and as I thought about my book..my past and future...this playlist began to turn into soundtrack of my life.

If I were to have a movie made, this is the song that would play at either the beginning, end or some great climax in between. It might just be my new theme song.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

"Dream" by Priscilla Ahn

Taking All Titles

As I walked on the beach thinking of my book. I began to think of book titles.

I didn't think of anything good but enjoyed the process. This morning, I found an email and its sender had spent their morning walk thinking of book titles (not knowing I'd done the same thing last evening).

So, now I'm taking all title suggestions for the book I'm going to write about the journey of the last 74.4 pounds and the 65.6 left to lose.

The Wonder of Water.

Some people go to the mountains, some to the trails but I go to the water to find peace. The moment I see the water in front of me, smell it in the air, hear the waves lap the shore I can take a breath, big and deep, and feel...well, I just feel right.

Three weeks in a row I'm traveling for work and rather than endure airplane after airplane, I'm driving from location to location in the south and spending my weekends near the water. This weekend I enjoyed Hilton Head Island. Beautiful temperatures, warm water, cool breezes...the perfect two days at the beach.

My days looked like this:
9:00am Wake up in comfortable bed and linger
9:45am Eat yogurt in comfortable bed and sigh
10:30am Get out of bed and prepare for beach
11:00am - 6:00pm Beach, read, apply sunscreen, eat picnic lunch, kayak or workout, sit on deck when I might start to burn.
6:30pm Order room service and Shower
8:00pm Begin long walk on the beach with IPOD.
9:30pm stand in dark night looking into ocean, listen to favorite song and just be happy

My favorite thing, besides the kayaking, may have been my nightly walks on the beach. Walking among the families and couples, it really just felt like me and my ipod and my thoughts which lead to 2 great epiphanies.

Epiphany One:
Maybe this is what I am supposed to do, I thought. Travel to world alone, exploring, enjoying and writing. I've always wanted to set roots...buy a house, have a career but maybe, that is not what I need. I was reminded by a women last week that not everyone could do what I do. Travel alone, eat alone, navigate unknown roads and airports and cities without fear, with confidence. I love it though. I love to travel alone...especially when there is water.

As I walked the beach I thought that maybe the roots I wanted to plant are already growing deep, with my friends and my family, and I don't have to own a home to have them. And that I think I would be happy without a home of my own if the world could be my home, my adventure. To do this, I need to write a book. I'm sure there are other ways I could figure how to travel but when I travel alone, I write. I walk the beach and write in my mind and I think it could be a good book. So, I'll get on writing the first book...the book about this journey and then I'll take on the world and be ok if that means not owning a home of my own.

Epiphany Two:
I'm happy being single. I think I've tried to be ok with this for a long time, said I was ok with it, happier with only myself to tend to. This weekend I believed it. I walked the beach, among the families and couples and felt no envy, no jealousy. I thought nothing about them...just about me, traveling the world and loving it.

Missed Celebration.

While I was away from center, I missed celebrating a big accomplishment with you (and myself).

I now have lost more weight than I have left to lose....I have passed the 70 pounds lost mark and have 66 have to lose.

It still surprises me when I think about it.

Coming Back to Center.

I've been away...not away from my computer, but away from a place of inspiration. I've been muddling by, getting in good sweaty workouts (sometimes), eating well (most weeks) and maintaining my weight. I've been off focus and frustrated. I've been discouraged. I've been disappointed. I've been uninspired.

I would think to myself, "You need to blog."
I would answer myself, "What the heck do I have to say?"

I met with a friend last week who had not seen me in months and was shocked by the small sight of me. I had a hard time sharing in her delight because by now I feel I have looked this way for 3 months and I'm sick of it, ready to move on. I confessed to her how discouraged I was. She asked if I'd blogged recently and as I told her I hadn't. I added that I knew that was part of the problem, that by not blogging I didn't have the release of thought, the conciousness that it took to keep me sharply focused and aware of myself.

She challenged me that my not blogging was more than that. In my blogging you get to share in my success, my milestones, my revelations and sometimes in my tears. You could celebrate with me in those times but now when I'm discouraged and uninspired, I turn away from writing, from my friends, family and cheerleaders...all when I am in the most need of YOUR inspiration!

She did a good job of putting my head back on (as she always does) and last week I managed to whiddle off some more weight...maybe it was the weight of frustration that I had been carrying for so long.

I feel to be back on the right path I have on more thing to say. I'm sorry. You all have been a wonderful support. I thought of you by name when I was discouraged and frustrated but I didn't come to you and say "I'm discourages, I'm frustrated, please inspire me." You could have, I know but I didn't come here. Next time, because there is enough weight left to lose there will be a next time, I will.

Energy with an edge of Little Nagging Lonely.

Last night I finished work and was filled with an amazing amount of energy. I was feeling happy and fit, full of vitamin D, healthy foods and hardy workouts.

Today that feeling continues...a feeling that has come and gone in the past but seems to be coming and staying much more often now. And I've been trying to decide what this energy is coming from...yes the vitamin D and endorphins are helping but it must be more than that.

I am focused. I see the halfway mark right in front of me and I know I will reach it this week. Maybe it is because of that focus, that confidence, the accomplishment I am anticipating for reaching such a big milestone that is making me feel so......powerful.

Wound up, full of energy, confident that anything I want can be mine. I feel so ridiculously happy and am not fearful that happiness will go away! I now know I made this happiness for myself. It might be karma finally coming around to my side but I think I am ready to go reach for things I used to complain never came my way.

Last night when I was full of this energy I was also alone, the house empty for the evening, free to do what I wished. As I was running and lifting and cooking the energy sat there under the surface with this little nagging of lonely eating at the corners. It's annoying this little nagging lonely but I am choosing to accept it. This lonely isn't the same kind of lonely I used to have when I was alone, depressed, unhappy. This little nagging lonely is the edge of the energy that wishes I had someone to enjoy all this happiness with. To go putt-putt golfing, on a long bike ride, for a scoop of ice cream or enjoy a home-cooked meal made with fresh herbs I have yet to kill, someone to run while I am running or lift weights beside.

So, I'm enjoying the energy, the happiness and have determined that I will just have to accept that little nagging lonely that sits at the edge. Afterall, it's not a bad lonely. It is the kind of lonely that let's me know I am ready for what else is to come. It is the kind of lonely that gives me the confidence to give my number to a boy and be ok with the fact he hasn't called. If I gave it once, I'm sure there will be another boy, another time and the fear of giving my number...gone.

The Goal Box.

Today I was thinking about my little goal box. The goal box is one I got when I was in elementary school and I decided that I would use it to keep goals and dreams in. At night before bed I would be in the bottom bunk bed, pulling out my tiny paper and pencil dreaming of who I wanted to be.

Most the goals are still in the box...very few of them have happened.

I wanted to have 2 kids by the time I was 30....ain't gonna happen (thank goodness!)
I wanted to be married by 24....did I think that was old?? Maybe I'll shoot for 44?
I wanted to be a professional singer...I guess I've always set lofty goals.

I'm reading these thinking, dang, I was a good goal setter. I wrote dates and years for each thing to be accomplished!!

So, if I was putting goals in my little goal box today, what would they be?

I want to be 139.8 pounds by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to complete a triathlon sprint by June 30, 2010.
I want to run a marathon by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to open my own business.
I want to surround myself with people who love me...husband or no.
I want to offer grace rather than judgment, for myself and others.
I want to not kill the herb garden this summer.
I want to consider what I want alongside what I think is expected.
I want to balance the cynical and the romantic.
I want to have long nails.
I want to experience the thrill of a workout.
I want to the mother who runs pushing the fancy 3-wheeled stroller.
I want to remember it's ok not to be a mother.
I want to remember I can write my own rules for most things.
I want to not have bad debt ever again.
I want to always remember why I became 279.8 pounds.
I want to never forget what I learned by losing half of it.

Maybe they don't all have dates but maybe some things we should always strive for.

Oprah.

When I was little I had this little box I would put goals into. I'd write them down, put a time frame on them and tuck them away. Most of them I still have, some I threw out when I was old and cynical enough to realize they wouldn't come true (aka: high school). One of them was to be on Oprah.

Lucky me. Oprah is looking for people to have to lose over 100 pounds. Well...I have lost about 65pounds and still have about 75 pounds to lose which makes more than 100 pounds. So I think I should be on Oprah.

Do you think I should be on Oprah? You are reading my blog so you must think there is something interesting about me so help a girl out and tell Oprah I should be on her show. I promise not to disappoint AND! it could help me get a book deal (for those of you who have told me I should write a book.)

Write to Oprah For Sallie Here!!

Write. Please. Pretty Pretty Please with 100 Pounds on Top.

Road Blocks.

I'm scared of birds. Yes, I know, most people think I am fearless and I'm sorry to have confess otherwise. It's 6th grade's fault though, when they made us watch the movie "The Birds" and wouldn't let me sit in the hallway even when I found it scary. In Seattle I would cross the street to avoid pigeons, when a bird flew into the store I locked myself in the office even though I was in charge...I wouldn't even hang a bird kite with scary talons.

Today I finished a 4 mile run and decided to cap it off with a mile long cool down. When I was about a quarter of the way into the cool down I noticed a flock of geese in the water and one that had wondered onto the path. I thought maybe a half mile would be plenty for a cool down and that I should turn right around and go back to the car. I started to feel a little panicky about that mean looking goose dive bombing me and poking my eyes out.

As the panic set in I reminded myself I'm no longer a quitter. I don't turn and run when things get hard anymore. So with much care, I stepped around the bird, avoiding all eye contact and proceeded on my walk...well, maybe with a bit more vigor in my step until I was a safe distance away from that mean looking goose. As I turned around at the half mile mark I noticed ahead that the one goose had become two and as I approached the two became three and then four and more and more.

I took in my surroundings. There were no bikes in sight to scare the geese away. No other runners were approaching to clear the path. The geese were between me and the bridge so I couldn't cross across the mill race. Could I swim across?? The water was high enough, it wasn't the far but maybe the disease from the mill race would be worse than the attack of the geese. As anxiety crept in I had to make a decision. I could let these geese run me off my path, stop me in my tracks and send me running backwards. I could also step carefully to the side, proceed with caution for a while and then run like crazy to get a safe distance away from the mean birds but still headed to my goal.

As I took deep breaths, preparing myself to approach the geese, I decided to make these geese into a metaphor...if they were a metaphor I could handle walking past them a little easier. So, the geese. On any path there are roadblocks. In my journey there are the people who aren't supportive, who try to sabotage. There is the Chief, open for the season inviting me in. There are boys who flirt and get me thinking about dating more than I think about working out enough to reach my weight-loss goals (but really, flirting is so much more fun!!). There are the restaurant menus I look at when traveling for work, filled with yummy unhealthy options. Then, there is me, I know I stand in my own way at times even though that physically isn't possible...this is a metaphor after all.

So, I walked past the geese. They didn't bother me, they didn't sqwack (what noise do geese make?), they didn't flap their wings, they had no clue I was trying to pass and they were in my way. The roadblocks don't know they're blocking my path either. When friends ask to go out to lunch and I don't counter the unhealthy reastuarant for one with healthier options...they don't know they are on my path and I haven't told them. The Chief won't change it's location but I could change the path I drive. And as for that boy...well I guess I could say please call so I can stop thinking about the fact you haven't called...but maybe the metaphor doesn't work so well there.

The moral of the geese?

Things get in the way. They don't know they're in the way. Tell them they are in the way and ask them to move. If they can't move, move yourself...just keep moving forward. Always. Move Forward. Oh, and respect the geese.

Progress.

Today I looked down and my stomach did not stick out farther than my chest. It's about time.

Now go read the fun and flirty post. It's my favorite!

Patience in a Pound Plateau.

Oh Pound Plateau. For four weeks the plateau had lingered inviting doubt to come and join it.

It is hard to stay motivated when the needle doesn't move. It is during the plateau when the backwards slide can happen so easily. It can be frustrating to not see progress for weeks at a time. You feel like you're running but not going anywhere and it grows tiring to continue with excitement.

In the midst of my plateau I began to notice other things that were happening in my life. They didn't change the scale but when I started to notice these things, I stopped feeling as frustrated with the stubborn scale.

My nails grew. I got to enjoy my cute new clothes from Seattle. I got to feel like a size 18 and even cuter in the size 16. I took a week off from running and could still run when I went at it again. A boy flirted with me! I ate well and felt assured I had made a real change in my habits. Did I say my nails grew?

Maybe plateaus are a smart thing...maybe our body is telling us to stop and smell the roses.

Or....stop, feel your muscles, buy cute clothes, believe you are where you are and then celebrate.
Or...maybe it is a way of forcing balance. Focusing on losing the weight is important but so is getting healthy after a cold, stopping nail biting, having lunch with friends and if all you think about is the weight loss when it is over you will wonder what you do with your life now.
Or...maybe plateaus are a way to prove that you have made changes. If you begin to fear that you won't be able to finish, that you will slip back to old habits and a plateau hits, making it through might be the proof you need to believe in yourself.

I probably would not include patience on a list of traits I carry but I am learning that is not true. I have been patient in working through the plateaus, believing that the next step is being made even when it is a long long one. And while I'm taking that long stride I have time to enjoy the beautiful scenery around me. Then one day, the needle moves, moves fast and I celebrate my patience, determination and go run 4 miles.

Fun and Flirty.

Remember the story I shared last week? The one about a boy who was *trying* to flirt with me and I told him he was crazy and that the hot girl was on his other side?

I have decided it was a good thing I shared that story because otherwise when a boy flirted with me this week and then told me "You look great" I might not have been able to say "thank you" and let him flirt.

Yeah...It was pretty fun.

A Bunch of Ends.

Today I cried during The Biggest Loser as the final four contestant finished a marathon. There was a time when I had wanted to run a marathon. After finishing the 5k and training for another, faster one at the end of May I have again been thinking about marathons and now triathlons too.

As I thought about the marathon I began thinking about ends...all the ends that I'm trying to find.

The end of debt.
The end of sadness.
The end of pain.
The end of fat.
The end of self doubt.
The end of fear.
The end of work first.

And I reach those ends other ends seem more within reach...

The end of a 5k. (done!)
The end of a hike with my best friends.
The end of a triathlon sprint.
The end of a wedding aisle.
The end of a Marathon.
The end of a dating drought. (oh dear heavens...please end!)
The end of a fabulous trip.

It's those things that are getting me up from the comfy hotel bed to get in a workout no one else knows I'm doing and get me to do a little boggy dance on the way back from the gym.

I Did This.

Tonight I was struck by this fact....I did this to myself. I made the choices that put me at almost 280 pounds, in debt and unhappy. I did this.

The thought of this weighs heavy on me. I did this. After having lost 80 pounds during college getting to my lowest ever, 155 pounds, I let it all come back and so much more.

I've been thinking about that time in college. I remember being at a party (weighing 155 pounds and having run 5 miles that day) when a guy hit on me. Frankly, this is probably the first time I can remember someone hitting on me. I looked at him and asked him what kind of crazy he was that he was hitting on me and not the hot girls next to him. He laughed.

I have decided this memory is the perfect reminder of why I did this to myself after having been only 15 pounds away from my goal weight. I might have been a fit athlete to others but I was still the fat girl to myself.

I did this to myself, yes. But I am also undoing those choices and making the future for myself that I never could really imagine being a reality. During the last year that story from college has replayed itself in my head many times. Every time it plays, I am reminded to see myself where I am. I spend money on clothes that I will shrink out of because I need to see my body in those size 16 jeans, in that large shirt. I need to see my cheekbones, my clavicle bones, my biceps. I need to see myself as the person I really am today, the person I am becoming.

And every time I think...see that bicep? You did that.

The Tactic: Run Away the Sick.

It's been a while since I've posted, it feels like a while since I've done much of anything.

After getting home from Seattle, my exhaustion turned into sick and now I'm still struggling to get back to 100%.

Over the last week as I've lied around, not exercising, I've wondered if this is what I felt like before I started to lose the weight. I'm frustrated by my aching and exhausted body and I have a hard time believing that I lived so long feeling tired when I wasn't even sick! The time it's taking to feel back to my new normal is too long and I'm started to be frustrated.

So today I ran. I figure resting didn't banish the sick away so maybe getting back into my old routines will. Running came back today, weights will come back tomorrow. I haven't lifted weights in weeks and it feels strange not to feel strong, buff, excited by my new muscles....I might be frustrated by not feeling well but I am pleased that this rest has made me realize my changes are new ways of living, not just things I've forced myself to do.

I could keep taking naps but today I ran.

Sassy in Seattle

Here's a quick recap of the fun had in Seattle. Good friends, cute clothes, a great haircut, super wedding planning and a fun bachelorette bash....






My sassy new hair cut when it was straight.








A slimline view...not the cutest picture of my face but I liked my curvy and much smaller silhouette. Oh! I almost forgot to mention that these were my new size 16 jeans.










My cute new outfit for Alyssa's Bachelorette party.











Heidi, Alyssa and I after the party. It's a nice thing to have a friend with such long arms. :)

Sixty for Seattle!

I'm on my way to Seattle with my travel books to Nepal and India and tow so my girls and I can start planning the southeastern adventure.

That's right...if you remember a while back I bought the guidebooks for my next goal. 219.8, 60 pounds lost. I was determined to hit it before my Seattle trip and today I did - weighing in at 219.5!!

I'm now on the bus to the airport thinking of my next goal and reward for 209.8, 70 pounds lost and halfway to my goal. Just 9.7 pounds away! Woot!

I'll be doing some much needed shopping in Seattle and can't wait to share pics of my ever shrinking self in clothes that actually fit!

Tuesday Tears.

I cry every Tuesday. The Biggest Loser is on Tuesday and I cry while watching the show. Sometimes I cry during the previews, sometimes the tears come when I'm trying to recap what happened to someone else. I understand these tears. I'm watching people do the same thing I'm trying to do and I can see my journey in theirs.

I understand these Tuesday tears. I expect and embrace them.

What I haven't expected were the tears that threaten unexpectedly on Thursday or Sunday and every other day of the week. The tears well-up during a song, while driving, at the end of a good workout. Sometimes putting on a pair of jeans or looking in the mirror can cause them. A new pledge or an email from a friend may be the trigger.

Is my body getting so used to sweating that when I'm not, it tries to eliminate water from my eyes? Am I drinking too much water? Has the change in diet/exercise thrown me into a constant state of PMS? Every time the tears threaten I half laugh them off, half wonder what is happening to me.

I've been wondering this for almost six weeks now and this is what I have come to think.

When you are disappointed enough you begin to lose belief in yourself, to hate yourself. It was easier to deal with disappointment when I pretended it didn't matter that much and to pretend it doesn't matter, to avoid the hurt of failure and loss I built a wall. A big brick-cemented-rebar-jackhammers can't penetrate-petrified-wall that built over time.

My wall was layers thick. It had been building for years, and it's foundation was laid long before that. By the time I began this journey it was thick enough to block my optimism, my hope, my vision of the future. My wall blocked out my ability to see the possibilities within me. No love could pass through the wall and I was left alone. The wall didn't protect the hurt instead the wall made it so I felt as if I was without any help to heal.

The tears are breaking through my wall. I began to chip away at the wall over a year ago and I think maybe my tears come now because the wall is becoming thin enough that I can feel the tears threatening. There are holes, however small, that are letting the tears escape out.

I am trying to come to terms with these holes. I know that each goal I reach rips out a stick of rebar, each person I embrace as a friend helps to knock out a brick and as the wall comes down I come out, stronger but openly vaulnerable. That is the part I am coming to terms with. Vaulnerability.

In college I dreamt of running a marathon and then blamed my inactivity to bad knees. I finished a 5k and brought that dream back to mind. I used to dream of writing a book and now think I might actually have something to say. And maybe the one I have a hardest time admitting...I used to be a hopeless romantic and maybe, just maybe, a bit of that is coming back too.

Coming back open to the possibilities, brick by demolished brick.

Running To Beat Myself.

Friday I woke up to chilly temperatures, gray skys, the threat of rain and strong wind. After arriving home at 2am Friday morning, it didn't seem like a good day to run. All day was an exhausting mental fight and the less than perfect weather did not help to create an optimistic outlook.

When we got to the registration for the run, I was overwhelmed by the number of people that were there and the number of people I knew. As I saw person after person register who all looked like real authentic runners, I struggled to not totally talk myself out of even beginning the run. One girl I knew was a record setting runner in college and here I was running in my first "race" after running for only the last 6 weeks.

As we were waiting in the cold and wind (thankfully, at least the sun had come out by now) a few people spoke with me, "where is the race starting?", "are you wearing something on your ears?" "are you running?". I thought to myself, "at least my clothes make me look like a runner and no one is laughing at me."

The race started. It was too cold to run in my normal gear so I added a jacket on top of my long sleeves, mom was going to the park we were looping through so if I needed to ditch the jacket she could pick it up for me. There were more than 50 people starting, 50 runners and some more for a 3k walk. It took all of 5 steps for me to start deciding I couldn't finish. I tried to find a person whose pace I could match but I just ended up letting people pass, moving to the right and finding my own pace. My IPOD shuffle and fancy runner's earbuds were my running partners as I strode through the cold.


The first half mile was a path I was familiar with and so were the mental fights I found myself having. It was cold, hard to breathe, my legs were stiff. In the first quarter mile I had decided that I could stop at the park, hop in the car with mom and have her drive off. No one would need to know I couldn't finish. When I made it to the park, I realized that first half mile went quickly and maybe this wouldn't be all bad. I was at the end of the pack by now but no one had lapped me and there was someone just in front of me I could keep my eyes on.

The first mile finished, I'd stripped my jacket and flung it beside a tree, looped around for my second round in the park and got passed lapped for the first time by a runner. As I was in my second loop the fun mind games started again. The woman in front of me started walking and I got so excited to walk I did as well. After a step I started screaming in my head "What are you doing!?!?!? You're not supposed to be walking! Abort, Abort! Lift both legs and run!" Apparently, if my friends jumped off a bridge, I would too, I might realize I wasn't supposed too but it would be after I'd already jumped.

While I was running I thought about how the run was like the changes I'm making. It wasn't the perfect day for a run, but there is no perfect day to start something new, to take a chance, to make a change. If I always waited for the perfect day, I'd never move forward. Sometimes when trying to move forward you splash through puddles, get passed by people you think shouldn't be doing better than you, feel like you are the last person on earth where you are at. In the midst of a challenge it can feel like everything is working against you just like the wind, threatening to push you backwards, making you feel like you are putting in a lot of effort for very little progress. When you can't see a finish line and you're running the path for the first time the odds of finishing seems slim but you just need to keep moving forward and eventually you'll see the end coming.

Step after step, thoughts raced through my mind.

"What's the shortest way around that puddle?
No, your calves do NOT hurt! Just listen to the music.
Why aren't you saying woot! woot!? Breathe, breathe, oh crap! I haven't been breathing!! Breathe and step, woot woot, keep going.
Who cares if you finish last? The other runners are half your size, they should finish in half the time. If you finish in less than double their time you really beat them pound for pound and that is pretty good.
What? There's a person behind you? There are three people, three people behind you! You won't be last!
Ok, the path you know. And the half mile post is just up ahead, just a half mile more! You can do a half mile easy.
Now I'm starting to feel good! Too bad it is almost over.
Lengthen your stride.
Why don't these stupid walkers move to the left so I can pass them without moving? GRRR!
I see the building! Almost over!
Finish! Who cares who sees you.
Listen for your time, listen for your time.
34? did he say 34? I rock. I rock. That's less than 45! That's just 11mins/mile.
And I was NOT last!!!

When I was finished and 34 was rolling around in my head, I had to fight back the tears. Sure, this run was just a 5k, I didn't win anything, it might not look impressive to some. For me, it was a mountain climbed, the beginning of me coming back, or maybe be coming out for the first time. In school I played sports, was never the best and more often than not felt like a bench riding loser. My strength on a team was encouraging others, not scoring points. This run was about Sallie the mentalist and no one else, this was me finding my own stride. My success was all because of what I put into it and I know how much time I put in on the treadmill.

In the end, it turns out 3 people finished behind me. If you want to see for yourself...race results.

When I was in college and running often, I would often spend my runs thinking about how cool it would be to someday run a marathon. Yesterday wasn't a marathon in length but it was a marathon in mind. Maybe after a few more 5k's I'll run a 10k and then maybe I'll run a half-marathon and then maybe I'll do a half-triathlon and then maybe someday I'll do a marathon. Or maybe I'll only ever run 5k's but maybe someday I'll win. I'm beginning to think anything I decide to do is a possibility.