Energy with an edge of Little Nagging Lonely.

Last night I finished work and was filled with an amazing amount of energy. I was feeling happy and fit, full of vitamin D, healthy foods and hardy workouts.

Today that feeling continues...a feeling that has come and gone in the past but seems to be coming and staying much more often now. And I've been trying to decide what this energy is coming from...yes the vitamin D and endorphins are helping but it must be more than that.

I am focused. I see the halfway mark right in front of me and I know I will reach it this week. Maybe it is because of that focus, that confidence, the accomplishment I am anticipating for reaching such a big milestone that is making me feel so......powerful.

Wound up, full of energy, confident that anything I want can be mine. I feel so ridiculously happy and am not fearful that happiness will go away! I now know I made this happiness for myself. It might be karma finally coming around to my side but I think I am ready to go reach for things I used to complain never came my way.

Last night when I was full of this energy I was also alone, the house empty for the evening, free to do what I wished. As I was running and lifting and cooking the energy sat there under the surface with this little nagging of lonely eating at the corners. It's annoying this little nagging lonely but I am choosing to accept it. This lonely isn't the same kind of lonely I used to have when I was alone, depressed, unhappy. This little nagging lonely is the edge of the energy that wishes I had someone to enjoy all this happiness with. To go putt-putt golfing, on a long bike ride, for a scoop of ice cream or enjoy a home-cooked meal made with fresh herbs I have yet to kill, someone to run while I am running or lift weights beside.

So, I'm enjoying the energy, the happiness and have determined that I will just have to accept that little nagging lonely that sits at the edge. Afterall, it's not a bad lonely. It is the kind of lonely that let's me know I am ready for what else is to come. It is the kind of lonely that gives me the confidence to give my number to a boy and be ok with the fact he hasn't called. If I gave it once, I'm sure there will be another boy, another time and the fear of giving my number...gone.

The Goal Box.

Today I was thinking about my little goal box. The goal box is one I got when I was in elementary school and I decided that I would use it to keep goals and dreams in. At night before bed I would be in the bottom bunk bed, pulling out my tiny paper and pencil dreaming of who I wanted to be.

Most the goals are still in the box...very few of them have happened.

I wanted to have 2 kids by the time I was 30....ain't gonna happen (thank goodness!)
I wanted to be married by 24....did I think that was old?? Maybe I'll shoot for 44?
I wanted to be a professional singer...I guess I've always set lofty goals.

I'm reading these thinking, dang, I was a good goal setter. I wrote dates and years for each thing to be accomplished!!

So, if I was putting goals in my little goal box today, what would they be?

I want to be 139.8 pounds by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to complete a triathlon sprint by June 30, 2010.
I want to run a marathon by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to open my own business.
I want to surround myself with people who love me...husband or no.
I want to offer grace rather than judgment, for myself and others.
I want to not kill the herb garden this summer.
I want to consider what I want alongside what I think is expected.
I want to balance the cynical and the romantic.
I want to have long nails.
I want to experience the thrill of a workout.
I want to the mother who runs pushing the fancy 3-wheeled stroller.
I want to remember it's ok not to be a mother.
I want to remember I can write my own rules for most things.
I want to not have bad debt ever again.
I want to always remember why I became 279.8 pounds.
I want to never forget what I learned by losing half of it.

Maybe they don't all have dates but maybe some things we should always strive for.

Oprah.

When I was little I had this little box I would put goals into. I'd write them down, put a time frame on them and tuck them away. Most of them I still have, some I threw out when I was old and cynical enough to realize they wouldn't come true (aka: high school). One of them was to be on Oprah.

Lucky me. Oprah is looking for people to have to lose over 100 pounds. Well...I have lost about 65pounds and still have about 75 pounds to lose which makes more than 100 pounds. So I think I should be on Oprah.

Do you think I should be on Oprah? You are reading my blog so you must think there is something interesting about me so help a girl out and tell Oprah I should be on her show. I promise not to disappoint AND! it could help me get a book deal (for those of you who have told me I should write a book.)

Write to Oprah For Sallie Here!!

Write. Please. Pretty Pretty Please with 100 Pounds on Top.

Road Blocks.

I'm scared of birds. Yes, I know, most people think I am fearless and I'm sorry to have confess otherwise. It's 6th grade's fault though, when they made us watch the movie "The Birds" and wouldn't let me sit in the hallway even when I found it scary. In Seattle I would cross the street to avoid pigeons, when a bird flew into the store I locked myself in the office even though I was in charge...I wouldn't even hang a bird kite with scary talons.

Today I finished a 4 mile run and decided to cap it off with a mile long cool down. When I was about a quarter of the way into the cool down I noticed a flock of geese in the water and one that had wondered onto the path. I thought maybe a half mile would be plenty for a cool down and that I should turn right around and go back to the car. I started to feel a little panicky about that mean looking goose dive bombing me and poking my eyes out.

As the panic set in I reminded myself I'm no longer a quitter. I don't turn and run when things get hard anymore. So with much care, I stepped around the bird, avoiding all eye contact and proceeded on my walk...well, maybe with a bit more vigor in my step until I was a safe distance away from that mean looking goose. As I turned around at the half mile mark I noticed ahead that the one goose had become two and as I approached the two became three and then four and more and more.

I took in my surroundings. There were no bikes in sight to scare the geese away. No other runners were approaching to clear the path. The geese were between me and the bridge so I couldn't cross across the mill race. Could I swim across?? The water was high enough, it wasn't the far but maybe the disease from the mill race would be worse than the attack of the geese. As anxiety crept in I had to make a decision. I could let these geese run me off my path, stop me in my tracks and send me running backwards. I could also step carefully to the side, proceed with caution for a while and then run like crazy to get a safe distance away from the mean birds but still headed to my goal.

As I took deep breaths, preparing myself to approach the geese, I decided to make these geese into a metaphor...if they were a metaphor I could handle walking past them a little easier. So, the geese. On any path there are roadblocks. In my journey there are the people who aren't supportive, who try to sabotage. There is the Chief, open for the season inviting me in. There are boys who flirt and get me thinking about dating more than I think about working out enough to reach my weight-loss goals (but really, flirting is so much more fun!!). There are the restaurant menus I look at when traveling for work, filled with yummy unhealthy options. Then, there is me, I know I stand in my own way at times even though that physically isn't possible...this is a metaphor after all.

So, I walked past the geese. They didn't bother me, they didn't sqwack (what noise do geese make?), they didn't flap their wings, they had no clue I was trying to pass and they were in my way. The roadblocks don't know they're blocking my path either. When friends ask to go out to lunch and I don't counter the unhealthy reastuarant for one with healthier options...they don't know they are on my path and I haven't told them. The Chief won't change it's location but I could change the path I drive. And as for that boy...well I guess I could say please call so I can stop thinking about the fact you haven't called...but maybe the metaphor doesn't work so well there.

The moral of the geese?

Things get in the way. They don't know they're in the way. Tell them they are in the way and ask them to move. If they can't move, move yourself...just keep moving forward. Always. Move Forward. Oh, and respect the geese.

Progress.

Today I looked down and my stomach did not stick out farther than my chest. It's about time.

Now go read the fun and flirty post. It's my favorite!

Patience in a Pound Plateau.

Oh Pound Plateau. For four weeks the plateau had lingered inviting doubt to come and join it.

It is hard to stay motivated when the needle doesn't move. It is during the plateau when the backwards slide can happen so easily. It can be frustrating to not see progress for weeks at a time. You feel like you're running but not going anywhere and it grows tiring to continue with excitement.

In the midst of my plateau I began to notice other things that were happening in my life. They didn't change the scale but when I started to notice these things, I stopped feeling as frustrated with the stubborn scale.

My nails grew. I got to enjoy my cute new clothes from Seattle. I got to feel like a size 18 and even cuter in the size 16. I took a week off from running and could still run when I went at it again. A boy flirted with me! I ate well and felt assured I had made a real change in my habits. Did I say my nails grew?

Maybe plateaus are a smart thing...maybe our body is telling us to stop and smell the roses.

Or....stop, feel your muscles, buy cute clothes, believe you are where you are and then celebrate.
Or...maybe it is a way of forcing balance. Focusing on losing the weight is important but so is getting healthy after a cold, stopping nail biting, having lunch with friends and if all you think about is the weight loss when it is over you will wonder what you do with your life now.
Or...maybe plateaus are a way to prove that you have made changes. If you begin to fear that you won't be able to finish, that you will slip back to old habits and a plateau hits, making it through might be the proof you need to believe in yourself.

I probably would not include patience on a list of traits I carry but I am learning that is not true. I have been patient in working through the plateaus, believing that the next step is being made even when it is a long long one. And while I'm taking that long stride I have time to enjoy the beautiful scenery around me. Then one day, the needle moves, moves fast and I celebrate my patience, determination and go run 4 miles.

Fun and Flirty.

Remember the story I shared last week? The one about a boy who was *trying* to flirt with me and I told him he was crazy and that the hot girl was on his other side?

I have decided it was a good thing I shared that story because otherwise when a boy flirted with me this week and then told me "You look great" I might not have been able to say "thank you" and let him flirt.

Yeah...It was pretty fun.

A Bunch of Ends.

Today I cried during The Biggest Loser as the final four contestant finished a marathon. There was a time when I had wanted to run a marathon. After finishing the 5k and training for another, faster one at the end of May I have again been thinking about marathons and now triathlons too.

As I thought about the marathon I began thinking about ends...all the ends that I'm trying to find.

The end of debt.
The end of sadness.
The end of pain.
The end of fat.
The end of self doubt.
The end of fear.
The end of work first.

And I reach those ends other ends seem more within reach...

The end of a 5k. (done!)
The end of a hike with my best friends.
The end of a triathlon sprint.
The end of a wedding aisle.
The end of a Marathon.
The end of a dating drought. (oh dear heavens...please end!)
The end of a fabulous trip.

It's those things that are getting me up from the comfy hotel bed to get in a workout no one else knows I'm doing and get me to do a little boggy dance on the way back from the gym.

I Did This.

Tonight I was struck by this fact....I did this to myself. I made the choices that put me at almost 280 pounds, in debt and unhappy. I did this.

The thought of this weighs heavy on me. I did this. After having lost 80 pounds during college getting to my lowest ever, 155 pounds, I let it all come back and so much more.

I've been thinking about that time in college. I remember being at a party (weighing 155 pounds and having run 5 miles that day) when a guy hit on me. Frankly, this is probably the first time I can remember someone hitting on me. I looked at him and asked him what kind of crazy he was that he was hitting on me and not the hot girls next to him. He laughed.

I have decided this memory is the perfect reminder of why I did this to myself after having been only 15 pounds away from my goal weight. I might have been a fit athlete to others but I was still the fat girl to myself.

I did this to myself, yes. But I am also undoing those choices and making the future for myself that I never could really imagine being a reality. During the last year that story from college has replayed itself in my head many times. Every time it plays, I am reminded to see myself where I am. I spend money on clothes that I will shrink out of because I need to see my body in those size 16 jeans, in that large shirt. I need to see my cheekbones, my clavicle bones, my biceps. I need to see myself as the person I really am today, the person I am becoming.

And every time I think...see that bicep? You did that.