Kicking into Something New

In order to get something I've never had,
I must do something I've never done!

Today I went to the wellness studio downtown and joined my first kickboxing class.

Today I did something I've never done to reach so many things I've never had.

Another Pair of Eyes

Sometimes it's good to have another pair of eyes. Someone else to see you after along period of time to remind you that progress was made.

Tonight I had a lovely family dinner, the first time in at least a month that I've seen my family in Goshen. I was surprised that they reacted with such surprise at seeing me. I feel as no progress has been made in the past two weeks, they thought otherwise.

We are our often our harshest critic. I know I am my harshest critic and my inner critic has been looking at numbers more than anything else. Tonight I was reminded that a slow crawl to me, is an amazing transformation to others.

Tonight my uncle asked if I had to sum up the number 1 tip for how I've worked towards achieving my goal what would it be? I said it was telling someone. Telling people not only creates accountability but it makes you face the shame you feel. I felt shame when this started and I felt shame again when I started doubting I could finish, when it was taking longer than I wanted to reach the goal. But it never will fail...having a way to be open and honest, having people you can share your struggles with...takes the shame away. I think I've said it before but I was reminded again tonight. Shame can't 't exist when you're honest with people who care, because by being honest with people who care you find acceptance, encouragement and support.

An Act of Discipline.

I'm writing without inspiration and without words to write. But I am writing with the hopes that building the discipline of writing regularly, once again, will move me forward to finishing. I write hoping that disciple will bring focus which in turn will bring finishing.

I know that I have to stop doubting myself. To get the thoughts out of my head that have me wondering if this is where my journey will end, if I will stop here unable to finish. For the past few weeks I haven't visualized myself losing weight and reaching my goal. Instead, I've seen myself stalled, staying at this weight, failing to reach my goal and slowly gaining it back.

I know that what you visualize is what turns to reality so I know that in addition to discipline and focus, I have to regain my optimism, to once again visualize myself finishing this amazing journey.

I bought tickets to Nepal. I'll be leaving May 6. This is to be my celebratory trip, taken in May for a variety of reasons including the weather and my sister still living there. I'm having a hard time planning for the trip, however. It could be because of the busy work schedule I've had the last few weeks but I don't think it is. I think I realize this weekend that it is really because I am feeling so crappy about my progress to completing my goal that knowing I'm going on a trip to celebrate success well...I don't feel like I've earned it.

I know the stress of feeling like a failure makes the weight loss harder.
I know thinking of failing makes me fail.
I know visualizing the worst makes it harder to achieve what will be my reality.

I know these things. But my mind is still dragging me down and I need to figure out how to turn it back around and push me forward.

I leave for Nepal on May 6. I can take advantage of each day between now and then. I can convince myself that I will make forward progress so I can celebrate on that trip. I can reach my goal weight before I leave...and at worst case (thanks to lots of walking) while I'm there.

I need to write my pledger's and let them know where I am at in my journey and when my goal is to complete. The struggle though is doing so and fully believing it will happen.

Maybe that is my goal this week. Start working again towards discipline, finding focus to my goal, visualizing the positive and believing in myself again. Those four little things, and writing to my pledger's.

Plug, Plug, Plugging...Plugging Holes I'd Rather Ignore.

It's not fast or dramatic or ending at the end of March but I'm still plugging along. Where have I been, you may wonder? After I called to rally the troops I fell away, did you think I'd quit? I won't lie or pretend that I didn't doubt myself but I haven't quit.

Many of you wrote when I asked the troops to rally, all inspired me, one has become my mantra.

"Listen to your body and mind, do what you can today. That is what's gotten you this far."

I said it out loud one day. The thing that I'm not supposed to say but had been thinking, had in my mind weighing me down. "What if I just stop here? What if I just say it's good enough?"

I had to say it out loud because I knew what the answer was but by having it my mind, not admitting that I'd been thinking it for so long, was causing me to sabotage myself, keeping me from losing week after week. I was still doing the right things to lose weight but I was doing enough of the wrong things to make the weight loss slight and slow. I was sabotaging myself. There were no "geese" in my path, just my own giant shadow causing me wonder if I should keep going.

I guess I need to say it out loud to all of you too. I doubted myself...doubted my resolve to keep going. What I learned in the process is that I still have learning to do. I've come a long way in the last two years but I'm not done losing weight yet for a reason. There are still lessons to learn during these last 25 pounds and I have to be open to learning, reflecting, being honest with myself to finish this journey of loss so I can being my next journey. I also know that when I hit my last pound gone, the lessons will continue and as soon as I stop listening to what I have to say, what I am thinking and feeling, I will catch myself slipping into bad habits I've worked to reform.

The goal is not to"not slip", it is to catch myself faster each time I slide.

As well as plugging along, I've been plugging holes I'd rather ignore. What do I mean by that? You know those things you know you have to do but you don't want to do them? The things you try to ignore but they never leave your mind and nag, nag, nag at you? They are holes. The act of "ignoring" them causes them to become bigger than they are and they suck your energy so you can't fully invest in the things you really want to be doing and celebrating.

My holes have been things I haven't done but know I need to do to fill my spirit. I need to blog to stay centered. I need to be on my Tuesday night Mary Kay calls to stay connected and positive. I don't do them and I can tell I'm not doing them but at some point it becomes a big deal to do them again. It's like an airplane....it uses most of its fuel to take off and climb to cruising altitude. Once you're cruising high, there is little effort needed to maintain. The same is true for people. I can complain about my travel schedule, say the time on the road is making it hard to maintain balance and it is probably true to say it makes it hard....it is not true to say it's not possible.

Balance is possible as long as you make it a priority and sometimes that simply requires remembering that YOU are a priority.

I am remembering that and tonight I am making myself do the thing that seemed to get bigger and bigger each day...the first blog entry after a drought. The first is always the hardest but...

sometimes the only way to get started is to just get started.

I may not make April 4 but I will make 139.8 and that is the most important number of all. That and May 6...the day I leave for Nepal. But I'll leave that blog for tomorrow.