The Tactic: Run Away the Sick.

It's been a while since I've posted, it feels like a while since I've done much of anything.

After getting home from Seattle, my exhaustion turned into sick and now I'm still struggling to get back to 100%.

Over the last week as I've lied around, not exercising, I've wondered if this is what I felt like before I started to lose the weight. I'm frustrated by my aching and exhausted body and I have a hard time believing that I lived so long feeling tired when I wasn't even sick! The time it's taking to feel back to my new normal is too long and I'm started to be frustrated.

So today I ran. I figure resting didn't banish the sick away so maybe getting back into my old routines will. Running came back today, weights will come back tomorrow. I haven't lifted weights in weeks and it feels strange not to feel strong, buff, excited by my new muscles....I might be frustrated by not feeling well but I am pleased that this rest has made me realize my changes are new ways of living, not just things I've forced myself to do.

I could keep taking naps but today I ran.

Sassy in Seattle

Here's a quick recap of the fun had in Seattle. Good friends, cute clothes, a great haircut, super wedding planning and a fun bachelorette bash....






My sassy new hair cut when it was straight.








A slimline view...not the cutest picture of my face but I liked my curvy and much smaller silhouette. Oh! I almost forgot to mention that these were my new size 16 jeans.










My cute new outfit for Alyssa's Bachelorette party.











Heidi, Alyssa and I after the party. It's a nice thing to have a friend with such long arms. :)

Sixty for Seattle!

I'm on my way to Seattle with my travel books to Nepal and India and tow so my girls and I can start planning the southeastern adventure.

That's right...if you remember a while back I bought the guidebooks for my next goal. 219.8, 60 pounds lost. I was determined to hit it before my Seattle trip and today I did - weighing in at 219.5!!

I'm now on the bus to the airport thinking of my next goal and reward for 209.8, 70 pounds lost and halfway to my goal. Just 9.7 pounds away! Woot!

I'll be doing some much needed shopping in Seattle and can't wait to share pics of my ever shrinking self in clothes that actually fit!

Tuesday Tears.

I cry every Tuesday. The Biggest Loser is on Tuesday and I cry while watching the show. Sometimes I cry during the previews, sometimes the tears come when I'm trying to recap what happened to someone else. I understand these tears. I'm watching people do the same thing I'm trying to do and I can see my journey in theirs.

I understand these Tuesday tears. I expect and embrace them.

What I haven't expected were the tears that threaten unexpectedly on Thursday or Sunday and every other day of the week. The tears well-up during a song, while driving, at the end of a good workout. Sometimes putting on a pair of jeans or looking in the mirror can cause them. A new pledge or an email from a friend may be the trigger.

Is my body getting so used to sweating that when I'm not, it tries to eliminate water from my eyes? Am I drinking too much water? Has the change in diet/exercise thrown me into a constant state of PMS? Every time the tears threaten I half laugh them off, half wonder what is happening to me.

I've been wondering this for almost six weeks now and this is what I have come to think.

When you are disappointed enough you begin to lose belief in yourself, to hate yourself. It was easier to deal with disappointment when I pretended it didn't matter that much and to pretend it doesn't matter, to avoid the hurt of failure and loss I built a wall. A big brick-cemented-rebar-jackhammers can't penetrate-petrified-wall that built over time.

My wall was layers thick. It had been building for years, and it's foundation was laid long before that. By the time I began this journey it was thick enough to block my optimism, my hope, my vision of the future. My wall blocked out my ability to see the possibilities within me. No love could pass through the wall and I was left alone. The wall didn't protect the hurt instead the wall made it so I felt as if I was without any help to heal.

The tears are breaking through my wall. I began to chip away at the wall over a year ago and I think maybe my tears come now because the wall is becoming thin enough that I can feel the tears threatening. There are holes, however small, that are letting the tears escape out.

I am trying to come to terms with these holes. I know that each goal I reach rips out a stick of rebar, each person I embrace as a friend helps to knock out a brick and as the wall comes down I come out, stronger but openly vaulnerable. That is the part I am coming to terms with. Vaulnerability.

In college I dreamt of running a marathon and then blamed my inactivity to bad knees. I finished a 5k and brought that dream back to mind. I used to dream of writing a book and now think I might actually have something to say. And maybe the one I have a hardest time admitting...I used to be a hopeless romantic and maybe, just maybe, a bit of that is coming back too.

Coming back open to the possibilities, brick by demolished brick.

Running To Beat Myself.

Friday I woke up to chilly temperatures, gray skys, the threat of rain and strong wind. After arriving home at 2am Friday morning, it didn't seem like a good day to run. All day was an exhausting mental fight and the less than perfect weather did not help to create an optimistic outlook.

When we got to the registration for the run, I was overwhelmed by the number of people that were there and the number of people I knew. As I saw person after person register who all looked like real authentic runners, I struggled to not totally talk myself out of even beginning the run. One girl I knew was a record setting runner in college and here I was running in my first "race" after running for only the last 6 weeks.

As we were waiting in the cold and wind (thankfully, at least the sun had come out by now) a few people spoke with me, "where is the race starting?", "are you wearing something on your ears?" "are you running?". I thought to myself, "at least my clothes make me look like a runner and no one is laughing at me."

The race started. It was too cold to run in my normal gear so I added a jacket on top of my long sleeves, mom was going to the park we were looping through so if I needed to ditch the jacket she could pick it up for me. There were more than 50 people starting, 50 runners and some more for a 3k walk. It took all of 5 steps for me to start deciding I couldn't finish. I tried to find a person whose pace I could match but I just ended up letting people pass, moving to the right and finding my own pace. My IPOD shuffle and fancy runner's earbuds were my running partners as I strode through the cold.


The first half mile was a path I was familiar with and so were the mental fights I found myself having. It was cold, hard to breathe, my legs were stiff. In the first quarter mile I had decided that I could stop at the park, hop in the car with mom and have her drive off. No one would need to know I couldn't finish. When I made it to the park, I realized that first half mile went quickly and maybe this wouldn't be all bad. I was at the end of the pack by now but no one had lapped me and there was someone just in front of me I could keep my eyes on.

The first mile finished, I'd stripped my jacket and flung it beside a tree, looped around for my second round in the park and got passed lapped for the first time by a runner. As I was in my second loop the fun mind games started again. The woman in front of me started walking and I got so excited to walk I did as well. After a step I started screaming in my head "What are you doing!?!?!? You're not supposed to be walking! Abort, Abort! Lift both legs and run!" Apparently, if my friends jumped off a bridge, I would too, I might realize I wasn't supposed too but it would be after I'd already jumped.

While I was running I thought about how the run was like the changes I'm making. It wasn't the perfect day for a run, but there is no perfect day to start something new, to take a chance, to make a change. If I always waited for the perfect day, I'd never move forward. Sometimes when trying to move forward you splash through puddles, get passed by people you think shouldn't be doing better than you, feel like you are the last person on earth where you are at. In the midst of a challenge it can feel like everything is working against you just like the wind, threatening to push you backwards, making you feel like you are putting in a lot of effort for very little progress. When you can't see a finish line and you're running the path for the first time the odds of finishing seems slim but you just need to keep moving forward and eventually you'll see the end coming.

Step after step, thoughts raced through my mind.

"What's the shortest way around that puddle?
No, your calves do NOT hurt! Just listen to the music.
Why aren't you saying woot! woot!? Breathe, breathe, oh crap! I haven't been breathing!! Breathe and step, woot woot, keep going.
Who cares if you finish last? The other runners are half your size, they should finish in half the time. If you finish in less than double their time you really beat them pound for pound and that is pretty good.
What? There's a person behind you? There are three people, three people behind you! You won't be last!
Ok, the path you know. And the half mile post is just up ahead, just a half mile more! You can do a half mile easy.
Now I'm starting to feel good! Too bad it is almost over.
Lengthen your stride.
Why don't these stupid walkers move to the left so I can pass them without moving? GRRR!
I see the building! Almost over!
Finish! Who cares who sees you.
Listen for your time, listen for your time.
34? did he say 34? I rock. I rock. That's less than 45! That's just 11mins/mile.
And I was NOT last!!!

When I was finished and 34 was rolling around in my head, I had to fight back the tears. Sure, this run was just a 5k, I didn't win anything, it might not look impressive to some. For me, it was a mountain climbed, the beginning of me coming back, or maybe be coming out for the first time. In school I played sports, was never the best and more often than not felt like a bench riding loser. My strength on a team was encouraging others, not scoring points. This run was about Sallie the mentalist and no one else, this was me finding my own stride. My success was all because of what I put into it and I know how much time I put in on the treadmill.

In the end, it turns out 3 people finished behind me. If you want to see for yourself...race results.

When I was in college and running often, I would often spend my runs thinking about how cool it would be to someday run a marathon. Yesterday wasn't a marathon in length but it was a marathon in mind. Maybe after a few more 5k's I'll run a 10k and then maybe I'll run a half-marathon and then maybe I'll do a half-triathlon and then maybe someday I'll do a marathon. Or maybe I'll only ever run 5k's but maybe someday I'll win. I'm beginning to think anything I decide to do is a possibility.

5k Comments

In case you want to mentally push me further tomorrow...

The 5k I've been training for is tomorrow. I know that people who run for real will be racing but I've been reminded how much I like running and I want to run for real too. This is my first for real race after starting running again just in January.

The run is tomorrow at 6pm so you can think "woot, woot, dilly, dilly, you can do it" just like I do while I run if you think about it. Everyone tells me it is ok if I have to walk...I am determined to run it all, I may run at a walk pace but my two feet will not hit the ground at the same time.

PS. I'm starting to feel all athletic and stuff. It's pretty fun.