I had abandoned this blog and at times over the last 2 years it has felt as though I had abandoned myself. After the slide began, I didn't know how to recapture it. I didn't know how to begin again with the intense amount of shame I felt. I didn't know if I could forgive myself, believe in myself or find the strength in myself to begin from where I am today.
For some reason tonight, I finally felt brave enough to view this blog. To rewind and see myself during this journey two years ago and to read the words I wrote. I saw a bright and beautiful woman. I am still the woman I was when I wrote those words. I know the words. I remember thinking them, crying over them, writing them.
There were two things I read that struck me.
One blog was on 'Holding on and Letting Go'...
I must hold onto the dream and vision. I must hold on to the woman I KNOW I am. I must let go of beating myself up for gaining a little weight and then not stopping it over the last 2 years so it turned into a lot of weight. I must let go of regret and hold onto hope, faith and belief in myself.
Another blog was on openness and shame. My uncle had asked what my number 1 tip was on weight loss...
"I said it was telling someone. Telling people not only creates accountability but it makes you face the shame you feel. I felt shame when this started and I felt shame again when I started doubting I could finish, when it was taking longer than I wanted to reach the goal. But it never will fail...having a way to be open and honest, having people you can share your struggles with...takes the shame away. I think I've said it before but I was reminded again tonight. Shame can't 't exist when you're honest with people who care, because by being honest with people who care you find acceptance, encouragement and support." Maybe as I again am open and honest with myself and those of you surrounding me I can release my shame and move forward lighter each day.
Did I have any idea how beautiful I was or was I so busy stressing about reaching that magic number of weight loss that I couldn't accept where I was? I was so healthy, so vibrant, so perfectly at a place where I could love myself and enjoy it but I didn't know that is where I was. Maybe that is one of the lessons I will carry with me now as I begin again from where I am today.
So tonight, I start forgiveness. I hold onto love and let go of shame. I hold onto hope and let go of hate. I hold onto each of you that refuse to let go of me.
xo. sallie
