Secret Sallie Behavior.

If there was a nanny-cam in my room it might see...

• Butt Grabbing. I like it see if it is getting firm and round because I am a tad bit panicky that it will be flat. Someone said to me a few weeks ago that they will miss my booty. I will miss it too if it gets flat so I channel J-Lo and Beyonce as I do one-footed bridges. If you're around after a good workout, you might get to feel it too.
  
• Belly Dancing. I know it's not really belly-dancing but I do like to pretend it is.
• Bicep Flexing. I really, really like to feel my biceps. Actually, you might not see me feel my biceps in the nanny-cam because sometimes I like to cross my arms to discretely feel my biceps. Great entertainment in a boring meeting, you should try it.
• Triceps Stretches. I really only stretch my arms so I can reach around and feel my shoulder blades. I think they will be cute.
• Clothes Flying. Trying on clothes that don't fit quite yet every night until they do fit is one of my favorite "time to go to bed" activities. It also explains why there are so many clothes on my bedroom floor all the time.
• Bed Dancing. Waking up is not waking up unless Ingrid Michaelson's "Be OK" is playing and I am squirming about in my bed. My arms often flail about during this dance.
• The Twist. Except done slowly, to fast music and often in the process of getting my pajamas on.
  

The Stuff I Miss.

I am now in the middle of week two of my three weeks away from home. I used to miss my bed while loving the cable TV and restaurant meals that I didn't pay for. Now I think I am officially on my way to dork-hood. The following is a list of things that I now miss when I'm away from home.

1. Sauteed Spinach at lunch...and anything else I want to cook for that matter.
2. Walking outside to go to the bathroom...It might be cold but it's fresh air.
3. The weight bench and weights in the basement...my arms are feeling weak and I really like feeling my biceps.
4. Carpeted floors...workout videos on a cement slab can be hard on the joints.
5. A full kitchen...although I'm getting creative at cooking dinner in a microwave (yes spinach can be cooked in a microwave) I miss the stovetop.
6. Scale...Yesterday I went and bought a scale to leave in Akron for when I travel here and today I was very happy. This scale is being added to the two 5lbs dumbells and yoga mat that will live here as a little traveling gym.
7. A Garden View...I didn't realize how seeing the garden and sky makes me so happy. Cubicles just don't cut it.
8. TV Viewing buddies...when you yell at the TV alone you just look like a loser.
9. The big blue ceramic mug...little tiny mugs just get empty too fast.
10. People yelling supportive words at my sweaty self on the treadmill while they are sitting on the couch...need I say more?

Those are the top 10 things I miss. If they make me a dork at least they make me happy too.

The Power of Belief.

One day I woke up and believed in myself.

Belief didn't come right away. When I started this journey a year ago, I had been traveling for over a year. I was on a flight from Atlanta to Akron and for the first time I had to ask for a seat belt extension. I sat in that flight ashamed that I could not fit in that seat and, knowing lent started in just a few days, I made the decision in that flight that I would change my life. When I made that decision what pushed me through the beginning of this journey was fear, not belief.

I remember being so fearful of what my life would be like if I didn't make a change. I feared failure. I feared I would let myself down again, give up again. I told others, for their support I said, but really so I would become terrified that I would let them down and push myself forward. It was the adrenaline of fear that kept me focused for a very long time.

And then one day, I woke up and there was belief.

What is the change that happens that lets belief come in? I don't know what changed, I could never tell you the moment when I believed in what I was telling myself I was going to do. I just told myself that I could do it often enough that one day I woke up and I believed I would succeed.

There are moments in a day when I become overwhelmed by the power of belief. Belief allows me to work out 3 or 4 times in a day off. Belief allows me to plan a trip that I shouldn't be able to afford. Belief gives me the freedom of living in a reality where success is an inevitability instead of failure a constant threat.

Fear can't live where belief does. I have often wondered why when I had lost so much weight in college I couldn't keep it off. Now I think it is because I lost all that weight through fear, not belief. Maybe success achieved through fear can never be sustained because living in fear is exhausting. When you live in fear, you eventually let yourself down and there is nothing within you powerful enough to pick you back up and move you forward again. It is the success achieved through belief that is sustained because it is the power of belief that can keep you going when you falter. Belief allows you to forgive yourself and forgiveness lets you always move forward.

I remember stories my mom told me about myself when I was little...that I would fall down hard, get up, brush myself off and take off running again. I don't know where that girl disappeared to but I think that part of me is back, all thanks to a little thing called belief.

Forgive and Move On.

Someone asked me recently how I'm doing this. I think she wanted to know if I was doing weight watchers, counting calories, doing a special workout. I told her "through forgiveness."

I thought of this during the past week. I'm on the road again, this time spending three full weeks in Akron, PA helping with and planning three trainings. (Two are done, YIPPEE!) I knew coming into the weeks that they would be difficult to balance training, preparation, socializing with co-workers and taking care of myself...and I was right.

Last night I got home exhausted after dinner and sat debating if I could excuse myself from a workout. Over the week too little sleep and too much stress had me exhausted but I hadn't worked out that day (or the one before, I confess). I sat there tired to the bone, feeling guilty for not exercising and I remembered that I'm successful because of forgiveness.

I am successful because I choose to...
Forgive myself when I can't be superwoman.
Forgive myself when I can't do everything in one day.
Forgive myself for being "good enough".
Forgive myself for making choices that I should have made another way.
Forgive myself for stressing instead of sleeping.
Forgive myself because I know I'll do it better next time.
Forgive myself because I know I'll do it right tomorrow.

I forgave myself last night for being tired. I went to bed early, woke up as late as possible, finished my work week, ate well and worked out. I did it right today.

the "Me" moments.

I was in the shower this morning and decided the world would be a better place if we all took more "me" moments. We put priority in work, friends, family, tv and other things and often things that we love, that make us us, get pushed aside. Months later, then, we think we haven't felt much like ourselves and it turns out it is because of that dusty "me" thing we shoved in the corner.

One of my "me" things is making cards. When I took the time to start making cards again this Christmas it was like I took too many happy pills. I started to feel like me again.

Maybe we should all encourage each other to look for our "me" things shoved and dusty in the corner, then encourage each other to start them again and help each other make the time to do the "me" things. I think we might all like each other more that way. I mean, I know I like me better when I've made a card.

A Mix of Love and Fear

When I decided to start this blog again I didn't think about it. Well....that's a lie. It took me a month to think up a blog title and I started a couple blogs that I ditched because I decided later I couldn't say the name without being embarrassed.

What I didn't think about was how people would react. What I thought about was a co-workers comment that I should think of a creative way to go on the trip I have been mentally planning for almost a year now. That comment, along with a 4 hour drive alone, inspired the "Pledge for a Pound" idea. When I thought it up, I thought it was crazy, off the wall, a bit ballsy but maybe just crazy enough to be fun. More than the trip funding, I fell in love with the idea because it meant sharing with more people where I am at, asking to know that others support me in this and to have a list of names taped to my wall that I can look at and know that I am worth spending time on and others think so too.

So, I went for it and today I awoke to the reality of what I had done. As I was sitting in the airport before the sun had risen, I checked out facebook and saw multiple people had commented to my posting about the blog...all in love and support. When I opened my email I saw that someone had sent me a pledge form and it wasn't family. I cried. In the middle of the South Bend airport waiting area, tears started, from a feeling of absolute overwhelming from the love that was displayed so quickly. But those tears were also mixed with the fear of "what had I done?!?!" I had posted this for the world to see, for people to share, for me to share secrets I'd hidden under layers of fat for so long.

I struggled with this mix of love and fear through most of the day but this is what I decided. I decided that I am ready for this. For years I have been shutting myself out, holding people at arms length, letting people seeing only what I thought they would like because I was terrified they wouldn't really love me if they really knew me. Today I decided that was a load of bologne and I'm going to just get over it. Today person after person told me to go for it and one even said they'd read the book that Oprah will have me on her show for. :) (A secret dream of mine that is not so secret now.)

So, it took me a couple of years but I'm officially ready to have friends again.

Dreams of Celebration.

I hope to lose these 100 pounds this year although I am realistic enough to know my life isn't "The Biggest Loser" (although some weeks I give them a run for their big fancy trainer money). Whenever I shed that last pound, however, I will be celebrating with the trip of a lifetime.

I will be taking my body, my confidence and my successfully skinny butt to a trifecta of beauty: Nepal, India and Bangladesh. (If I'm lucky my successfully skinny butt will also end up on a beach in Thailand.) I say it is a trip of a lifetime because I will never again in my life lose 50% of my body weight, I will only once feel the rush of excitement for the first time I do an activity that would never have been possible as the Sallie I once was. My trip will be more than a success of what I accomplished...it will be a trip to look forward to what can be.

A dream of mine is to have my own line of handmade paper cards, made from fair trade paper and of all the artisans I've learned about over the years, it is the artisans who create paper that I have wanted to visit. Traveling to India, Nepal, Bangladesh and Thailand will allow me to visit paper-making artisans, learning their stories and letting me dream of a future filled with paper.

Celebrating successes, dreaming of the future, embracing the day...that is my dream of a lifetime and it is only 100 pounds away.

Where I am today.

A year ago I began a trek to remove 140 pounds and at the end of 2008 celebrated 40 pounds lost.

What I have found so far is that my journey isn't simply about weight loss, it has been about understanding why I chose weight gain instead of living my life as I wanted. What I have lost in a year has profoundly changed my present, my future and my belief in what I can achieve. What I have lost is way more than 40 pounds, I have begun losing years of bottled up pain, frustration and other bad stuff that was buried deep below the surface....deep below the fat.

Today I'm staring to see my world is new. I sometimes feel like my nieces discovering their bellybuttons for the first time but instead I am discovering my cheekbones, my shoulder blade, my endurance, my biceps and so much more.

I invite you to join me on my journey. Read the blog, comment so I don't feel alone, track my weight loss numbers, rack up a few of your own...and maybe even let me know you support me so I have a list of names of people who I can think of when I feel like I can't go any farther.

And for those of you who want to help me reach my dreams you can Pledge for A Pound to help me realize the trip of a lifetime.