The Birthday Run.

It takes a lot to get from before to after. gu, water, gatorade and mental stamina. all that and a perfectly timed playlist, along with a great race buddy.

How was the race? People ask and I say 'great' because I finished and I felt great to finish.

Ask me, how was the race, and here are some of the things I remember.

Hoping the port-a-potty line would move faster so we could start the race on time.

Having to "jump" over a gate to start the race. Apparently we should have started farther back.

The wall of people running up the hill in downtown Seattle. I wished for a camera when I saw that wall of bodies on the street.

Running the first 5k in under 10 minute miles. Over 6 minutes faster than I ran my first race in April.

Feeling the blister on my baby toe at mile 3 (and every step thereafter).

Yelling "It's my birthday" to random cheering people.

Hearing Heidi yell "It's her birthday" to random cheering people.

Bossing Heidi through a various obvious turn and her making fun of me.

Saying how perfect our playlist was over and over and over.

Pulling off one arm of my top layer.

Passing walkers up a hill.

Getting passed by the walkers as they started to run down the hill

Cussing at the lady who ran around me only to stop and walk RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! at like mile 12! grrr.

"You Own Today!" being the best cheer someone yelled while we ran past

The water stops where you just felt so important as people cheered and catered to you

Trying to keep an eye on Heidi as she ran easily up the hills.

Telling myself I was going as fast as I physically could and that was all I needed to worry about.

Holding back tears as I hurt.

Chanting positive thoughts to myself as all the angry ones were yelling.

Pulling off the second arm of my top layer.

Thinking my shoes were DONE. Replacements needed.

Being disappointed that I couldn't laugh with Heidi at the funny song because I just hurt mentally and physically too much at mile 11/12 or somewhere in there.

Finishing the last hill, knowing it was just a sprint from there.

Hearing Bill at the beginning of the chute cheering us on.

Watching Heidi finish just before me, cheering her on in my head as I ran.

Frantically looking for Heidi after I crossed the finish line.

Falling into Heidi's arms for a giant hug, choking back tears in amazement that we did this.

and we did it faster than I had hoped. Ending time for me?

2:34:06

I had hoped for less than 2:45 which was a 12:45 minute mile. My actual time had me at a 11:45 minute mile...faster than I had ever run in my individual training runs.

A great run. A great partner. A great birthday. A great year ahead.

Begin with a Bang

The bang of a starting gun that is.


Ok, so really the morning began with my body waking me up, without the alarm sounding, thanks to the anticipation of the big race. 4:30am. Happy Birthday to me.

Last night ended with me being teary-eyed. This is a big deal. I'm turning 29 on the 29th, in Seattle by running 13.1 miles...after starting 28 without being able to run one mile.

This is the year I finish losing weight. Finish paying off debt. Finish a full marathon.

PAUSE. Breath. First I have to run today.

We start with breakfast. I practiced this breakfast last week. I make this breakfast perfectly every time.
Except for this morning. New oats...they overflowed. oops.

After an early morning phone call from my family wishing me happy birthday and good race, along with a few ecards, I was left teary again. At this rate I'll never make it through the race but I think maybe I'm just getting it out of my system.

At about 6am Alyssa and I picked up Heidi to get dropped off at the starting line. We'd see Alyssa again after we'd finished 13.1 miles.

heidi gets in the car. I'm too excited to hold the camera steady.

The honing device on my ankle. AKA: Timing Chip.

In my headband made for me by my niece Adria.

Preperation is Key.

"You will be fine! You have trained for this and you will finish!"

Alyssa yells at Heidi and I from the kitchen. That dose of reality is helpful when you begin to talk about what happens if you can't finish.

This week has been tough...more accurately, walking has been tough. My leg has been bothering me, more than I've let on to anyone. I keep thinking that if I tell myself I am fine, the pain will stop but the advil I keep taking makes me realize that isn't the truth.

One race. 13.1 miles. That is all my leg needs to make it through...the part that worries me the most is if my mind can make it through 13.1 miles of pain in my leg.

Training for this run is not just a physical preparation, it is mental as well. You can see the mental changes in the way I eat, lace my shoes in anticipation of an afternoon run, my excitement in new workout gear. I can feel the mental changes as I use one of my new techniques to think not about my legs or blisters or knee but to think about my strength and endurance.

I know I'm prepared but there is one more thing I can do. It is the night before the race and Heidi and I have just finished our half-marathon run play list. Heidi was on itunes while I viewed the race map. At the end of our effort was a perfect playlist timed to be fast on the hills, silly when we'll be tired and keeping pace for some good timed miles.

My Biggest Loser Inspiration.

It is two weeks before the half-marathon...

Rebecca just got kicked off the Biggest Loser.

I like Rebecca. She seemed a little sassy, a little stylish, a little something I could relate to. She started on the Biggest Loser the same weight I was when I began this journey.

In the "where are they now" segment they played after she got kicked off she was running a half-marathon. She started and finished her half-marathon weighing the same weight I am for my half-marathon.

Her goal weight is my goal weight. (and having seen the finale she made it and looked hot.)

Rebecca is my Biggest Loser inspiration. Her journey is different from my journey but our milestones are similar and she reminds me to hold strong to the fact that it will happen.

139.8 will soon happen. In the meantime I can look at Rebecca at my goal weight and be pretty excited to get there.

Finisher.

Two weeks before the run and it feels like all tears all the time. Whether it was the stress of a busy work week, the preperation to leave for Seattle, the realization that my mother can't watch me cross the finish line (she so graciously suggested) something cause tears to be ready to fall at a moments notice.

I know there is one thing that is making me overwhelmed with emotion. I am going to finish this.

For so long I haven't considered myself a finisher. I start things, have great intentions and never follow it all the way through to the end with the same passion that I started it with. The example that follows me through this journey to lose weight is from when I lost weight in college - I was 15 pounds from my goal and I didn't finish it out.

"I am going to finish this."

This journey is more than losing weight, it is losing the baggage of past failures, of all the disappointments from the girl I thought I was. I lose a pound, I run another mile and I see the woman I am becoming.

I am beginning to believe she is a finisher.

Still Alive and Kickin'

Don't worry. I'm still alive and kickin' (or more appropriately alive and runnin'.) Posts of substance in progress, to be shared in the next few days.

In the meantime, checkout the thermometer. 90 pounds have come and, more importantly, gone!

A Morning Miracle.

For weeks (ok, ok...months) I've been attempting to wake up in the morning for a workout before starting the workday.

This morning a miracle occurred. I awoke at 6:00am alert enough to coax myself out of bed and into workout gear. My shoes were laced before I heard the rain pouring outside...a lucky break since hearing the rain would have ensured my hitting snooze. I didn't have the mental stamina to face a 4.5 mile run in the dark, cold rain at 6am but since I was already dressed I hit the fitness room for 60 minutes on the stationary bike.

It turned out to be a good way to start out the day. It's not yet a habit but at least the snooze standard was broken. Can I make it two days in a row? We'll see tomorrow but staying at a place with no easy access to TV or other evening distractions defiantly makes the odds higher. It's 9pm and I'm crawling into bed.

One morning miracle workout down...and still more than a month to train myself to enjoy it before the half-marathon.

Needs Unknown.

It is nice when you get things you don't know you need.

Last night I had to face the reality that I had to pack again for 12 days away from home. I had been home for just a week, getting into a routine and sticking to the no cheat challenge and training for the half marathon. I was not excited to leave again. I was not excited for the challenge of 12 days away from home, very busy work days, workouts in hotel fitness rooms, creative healthy meals, no cooking... The scale is moving and I don't want it to stop!

Today I received a few gifts to encourage me as I go into these 12 days away from home.

1. The man at the rental car counter looked at my driver's license (the worst picture on the face of the planet) and then looked at me. "You've lost a lot of weight," he said. "You look beautiful."

2. I was running my 4.5 miles (yes, my 'short runs' are now 4.5 miles) on the treadmill after a full day of travel. Biggest Loser was on and encouraging me to push through the run even though I hated doing it on the treadmill. I handed the remote over to the other guy who had been in the room with me as I was preparing to leave. "I should probably keep watching it," he said. "We're doing the Biggest Loser at work and although us guys started out strong the women have taken the lead." We had a casual little chat about the difficulty of losing weight while traveling and ended the conversation by saying we'd see each other again since we're both here for the week.

3. I found a new favorite airport food at Chicago Midway. Potbelly Turkey sandwich with hot peppers. YUMM. Just thinking of it makes me happy. Typically, my travel days are filled with food temptations but today was a huge success. I ate my favorite sandwich, found a subway next to the hotel for dinner and when I tallied up what I had eaten I was at the exact place I was supposed to be! I'm getting pretty good at this whole 'choices' thing.

4. The hotel has free Exercise TV. 15 minute workouts great for a hotel room. A good way to get in some strength training without weights.

5. The hotel room has a rain shower head. This doesn't make workouts or eating well easier (although the microwave and mini-fridge do) but it sure did make me happy. Oh, and I look forward to a post-workout shower so maybe it does make me want to workout!

So those were a few gifts I received that I didn't know I needed but they made the first day of 12 a pretty good one.

Single Serving: Turkey Salad Scrumptious

Place this scrumptious turkey salad over a cup of spinach for a delicious salad.

Salad:
2 ounces turkey breast cubed
1/2 stalk celery
2 slices red onion
7 grapes
1/4 apple
2 t raisins (or craisins)
1/2 T almonds, slivered and toasted

Chop the ingredients above to about the same size and toss together. Set aside to prepare dressing.

Dressing:
1 t dijon mustard
1 t mayo
3 t apple cider vinegar

Mix all the dressing ingredients with a spoon. Toss over turkey salad mixture. Eat and enjoy.

Single Serving: Warm Beet and Blue Cheese Salad

2 red beets
1 T blue cheese
1 t olive oil
2 t red wine vinegar
1 t dijon mustard

Boil water, add red beets and bring back to boil. Reduce to simmer and cover. Cook red beets until they are tender when poked by a fork. When tender, drain water and rinse with cold water. Peel beets and slice into 1/4 inch slices.

Make dressing by placing olive oil, vinegar and mustard in small container and shake until well mixed.

Toss beets in dressing, plate and sprinkle with blue cheese.

Variation: Steam a handful of green beans and plate under the beets for a lovely Green Bean and Beet salad.

A Cheat Challenge.

I don't think of myself as a cheater. Maybe other people would say I'm a cheater, but I consider myself flexible and forgiving. They call it cheating for a reason. I always thought of the term "cheat" in the context of what you eat as eating something you shouldn't. The term was always about the food but I realized it's not about the food. It's about me.

When I cheat, I cheat myself. I cheat myself out of seeing the benefits of the 6 miles I ran today. I cheat myself out of an additional pound lost this week. I cheat myself out of the reward I'm so close to earning. I cheat myself out of celebration and into frustration. I cheat myself out of more time spent at my goal weight. The more "cheats" the more delays. I am very good at being forgiving, I don't beat myself up when I choose to cheat but I had never thought of the long term, the building effect the cheats have.

So. I've decided to issue myself a cheat challenge. No cheats. If I taste it, I count it and in any given week, I can't eat more than I should. If I've got a workout scheduled, I do it. All of it. I know how I cheat and I'm challenging myself to stop it.

My "no cheat challenge" started today and goes until November 29th, the half-marathon. My weight-loss goals in that time are challenging but I can't wait to see what I can accomplish when I respect myself enough not to cheat.

Cowboys and Ice.

My last night at my sister's in Colorado... After the accidental run I iced my knees, drank my tea and sang "Home on the Range" with my favorite Colorado Cowgirl. A good night indeed.

Every time I'm with my nieces I'm reminded of reasons I'm running my weight away. There was a time when I would not have been able to chase them, swing them around or have a dance party with them. Instead, I am a participant in their lives, not simply the observe I would have otherwise been.

The Accidental Run.

I'm in Colorado for work and lucky enough to be staying with my sister. Today was a gorgeous sunny and 65degree day, perfect for a run outside. So, after much discussion over where to run, we decided to head to the river where there was a five mile path along the river with distance markers along the way. A rolling run for me and a nice place for my sister to walk with my sisters.

As I started out on the run I was prepared to go to distance marker 20. The markers were in 1/10 of a mile intervals and I would run two miles, turn around and meet my sister back at the beginning, getting in a good 4 miles.

Marker 1 came slowly, marker 2 even more so...I didn't know why I was running so slowly. I was having a mental argument with myself, convinced that I was running so slowly my sister, walking at the pace of a 2-year old, would soon be nipping at my heals.

The markers came and went while my discouragement only built. What had I eaten to make me so slow? I changed my workout schedule and was paying the price. I would never be able to make it four miles today and over and over I tried to convince myself to stop and turn around early.

Finally, I was away from the river and entering an industrial park near marker 15. The microchip in my brain recorded the following argument: "I am pathetic, unable to make it even two miles. I should just call my sister and have her pick me up. I didn't bring my cell phone. The sun will set and they will think I'm lost. This is why I always know the destination when I run! What was I thinking just 'going with the flow'!?" Then, I burst into tears while still running.

Finally at marker 15 I conceded, turning around while still crying and telling myself that at marker 8 I could stop running and walk the rest of the way because stress while running would simply cause injury. As I was nearing the walking reprieve, I asked a woman beside me for the time. 5:55pm and I had begun at 5pm. With a sigh I then asked "and these markers are for just 1/10th of a mile, right?" She began to laugh. "Oh no, Honey," she replied, "that's a quarter mile."

She laughed on her way and I tried to pry my chin off my still running chest. Calculations ensued. I had already finished 5 miles, the same length as my long run from Sunday. I still had 2.5 miles to get back to the car.

As tired as I was, I was excited. Knowing this changed the way I thought of the entire run. I wasn't slow, I was superwoman. I'd run 5 miles in 55 minutes! If I kept going I would run a quarter marathon and I still have 7 weeks of training!

I finally finished my run at 7 miles. Having met my sister at marker 5 (and yes, she was wondering where I had been.) I walked with her the last half mile to cool my aching body down. 7 miles. 75 minutes. My best run yet.

I find it amazing how quickly a mind can shift from tears to joy, from calling itself "wussy wanna-be" to "serious superwoman" in a matter of seconds. Had I gone out today to run 7 miles (and mind you I was trying to get people to tell me I didn't really have to run the four.) my mindset would have been different from the beginning and I would have saved myself frustration of 55 confused minutes. It might not have been easy but it would have been easier than beating myself.

What else do I beat myself up for that if I knew the facts, I would see I was exceeding my expectations, not failing them? What other markers am I passing where the mileage is just completely off? Hopefully there are less than there were a year ago but I know they still exist . This accidental run is a good reminder to beat myself up a little less and call myself superwoman a little more.

Single Satisfaction

In this journey I am finding pride in my choices, peace with where I am today and simple happiness. I was talking with my friend about being single. This is what I told her I realized.

I am happy and I happen to be single. When I was dating, I was never this happy. I wasn't even this happy single before and I know I wasn't choosing relationships that were going to bring me happiness.

I am happy and I happen to be single. The relationships I choose today are relationships that enrich my life, add joy to it. I enjoy being happy and if I happen to be single, fine. I know when the time comes that I'm not single, that relationship will be one of respect, joy, adventure and more happiness than I can imagine.

I am happy and yes, I happen to be single.

Call it a Switchback.

Switchbacks: trails with very sharp turns. trails that wind, making them less steep than a strait trail.

I spent this past weekend in the mountains. As a person who finds peace at the water, I never understood the draw of the mountains. As a person who loves new ways to workout, I understand the draw of the hike. Saturday I spent 90 minutes hiking around with no distractions...no people, no ipod, no cellphone.

As I enjoyed the fresh air, the rustle of the aspen leaves, the blue sky and beautiful views I thought about switchbacks and plateaus.

During weight loss you experience periods where the scale doesn't change. I know this because my scale hasn't changed since August. These periods are called plateaus and are frustrating to the point of tears. I shed some just last week from the frustration. You think you are doing what you need to be doing and still, the scale does not change.

As I was hiking, I was winding through switchback trails. I knew I was going up the mountain but the switchback made the climb up a more manageable incline and I really didn't think I was going that far up. Then there was a clearing. The trees broke, I could look down to where I had climbed from and I saw how far I had come.

Maybe they shouldn't be called plateaus in weight loss, but switchbacks. You know you're doing the work but you don't see the results but then, all of a sudden, the trees break and the scale changes.

This week I reached the top of this switchback and the scale went down.

The Half Marathon

"I've decided to run the half-marathon and you should run a half-marathon with me." says my best friend as we talk while I drive from Cleveland to Goshen. I had been in a work-out lull for a few weeks, I was getting back on track, needing a goal to work towards and the race was in Seattle on my 29th birthday. I said yes. I said yes to running a half-marathon in Seattle, on my birthday, 11 weeks from the day we made the decision.

Two days ago I ran 5.6 miles in 45degree drizzly rain, the perfect training run for Seattle really. I had given myself permission to put off my run until the next day thanks to the cold, the wet and the dark but just as my little devil said I could postpone, the angel put on my tennis shoes and hit the road for one of my best runs yet.

The map of the marathon is on my desktop, I'm memorizing the route, memorizing the inclines, declines and water stops. When I run, I visualize the route I'll be running in a few weeks, visualize myself saying goodbye to fear and hello to the finish line.

I'm now on week number of 5 of a 12 week training plan. The first week of training the longest run was 4 miles and already I'm running 4 miles on a routine day. I buy Runner's World magazine, I pour over them whenever I can and when people ask "Are you a runner?" I proudly say "Yes. I am."

I will be starting my 29th year by finishing a half-marathon. I will finish my 29th year by completing a marathon. I think 29 will rock.

Single Serving

I have a great idea for a cookbook. Well, at least I think it is a great idea.

One of the hardest things about eating well is learning how to cook for one. When you use recipes, they serve 4 or more. Well, silly healthy cookbooks, when you are overweight you aren't very good with portion control and if you cook a meal for four and you are only one, it is likely you will eat more than you should.

There are only so many times you can eat the same leftovers. Cooking and freezing ahead is a great option but the idea of cooking and freezing isn't appealing to everyone. So, how do you cook for one when the grocery stores and cookbooks are built to cook for four? That is the cookbook I want to write.

When I am home my favorite time of day is lunch, when I can scrounge through the pantry, freezer and fresh foods to make a meal just for myself. I will start to write some of these recipes down and work towards creating a cookbook written just for one. So, maybe if you are lucky, I will begin a weekly sharing of my recipes written just for one...fresh, fast and fabulous single servings.

Fall Focus

Summer's slip has turned like the weather into a Fall of focus. Labor day weekend I went to Grand Marais and had a chance to take a deep breath of Lake Superior air. It was weekend that tipped summer to fall...from a season of slip to focus.

After a beautiful still day on the beach, a book read from cover to cover, I was inspired to lace up my running shoes for the first time in weeks. Shoes laced, I hit the road out of town, not knowing where it would take me. As I ran out of town, I realized how bored I'd become with my workouts. The same routines, the same trail, the same ole' same ole'. Running out of town, I embraced to freedom of the unknown road and breathed in the possibilities before me. Possibilities...it is one of the things I find peace in. I have always known I enjoy beaches where you can't see land on the other side and now I know I love running roads when you don't know what you might encounter. You might even find your name carved into rock on the beautiful lake shore.

Possibilities.

Isn't that part of what this whole journey is about? When I started this, I knew that I was unhappy, felt like I had no options. Losing weight might not be easy but the possibilities before me are worth it. Oh, and so am I.

The Summer Slip.

June and July rocked. I was working out 6 days a week with butt-kicking workout videos from Jillian Michaels. I was getting all kinds of muscles and even some abdominal muscles. The weight loss was slow but the workouts were awesome. Then came the summer slip...summer came and the focus slipped away.

Last year the summer slip led to a 15 pound gain and only ended after a major bout of food poisoning kick started 5 of 15 back off. This year the summer slip was not nearly as severe. I managed to only gain a few pounds and they were back off in a week.

Beating myself up over the slip would have been easy but wouldn't have done any good. Summer comes each year, each year I'll slip at least a little bit. It isn't realistic to expect never to slip but it is realistic to expect that the slips will get shorter and the bounce back will take less time. So that is what I did during my summer slip. I forgave myself and kept stepping on the scale.

I must admit though....I do miss the mega muscles and the day I realized they weren't as big was the day my slip stopped.

The Tattoo.

My mother may not want to read this one... :)

I've been thinking of the perfect tattoo. I've been thinking of this for a while - sketching designs, trying to determine what about this journey I would want forever inked onto my skin since the tattoo would come only after losing half of myself. True, there are still many pounds to shed before I can commemorate with ink but I figure if I would live with this tattoo for the rest of my life it wouldn't be a bad idea to sit with the idea of the tattoo for a while to make sure I'd want it forever.

The other day at work I saw a piece of wall art and knew immediately that was it...that it was my tattoo. The tattoo is inspired by a cut metal piece from Haiti, the country that has inspired me in my work for so many years. Beyond work, these artisans have inspired me personally. These are artisans who take what others discard, imagine what could be, create art and put hope that each piece will bring them a better future.

"Earth Mother" they call her, this women with stem and leaves forming her shape like she is grown from the earth. This woman is rooted, yet flexible like the branches of the tree. Her hips are rounded like a heart, arms spread wide open to the possibilities, welcoming life. In her hand I will add a bird, a symbol of fears that I held onto for so long allowing them to hold me back. This bird, though, will be poised for flight, the fear being released allowing other things to come into grasp. And at the base of this woman a word signed where the artist would sign it, a single word that summarizes this journey of forgiveness, self, strength, hope and future...the one word yet to be determined.

Since this sculpture inspired the tattoo I can feel it on my skin, imagining where it will be. I visualize it, know what it represents and I begin to draw motivation to continue this journey one pound, one day and one choice at a time.

And frankly, I'm just so excited about the tattoo right now that if losing weight faster means getting it sooner...that could be some good motivation.