Cowboys and Ice.

My last night at my sister's in Colorado... After the accidental run I iced my knees, drank my tea and sang "Home on the Range" with my favorite Colorado Cowgirl. A good night indeed.

Every time I'm with my nieces I'm reminded of reasons I'm running my weight away. There was a time when I would not have been able to chase them, swing them around or have a dance party with them. Instead, I am a participant in their lives, not simply the observe I would have otherwise been.

The Accidental Run.

I'm in Colorado for work and lucky enough to be staying with my sister. Today was a gorgeous sunny and 65degree day, perfect for a run outside. So, after much discussion over where to run, we decided to head to the river where there was a five mile path along the river with distance markers along the way. A rolling run for me and a nice place for my sister to walk with my sisters.

As I started out on the run I was prepared to go to distance marker 20. The markers were in 1/10 of a mile intervals and I would run two miles, turn around and meet my sister back at the beginning, getting in a good 4 miles.

Marker 1 came slowly, marker 2 even more so...I didn't know why I was running so slowly. I was having a mental argument with myself, convinced that I was running so slowly my sister, walking at the pace of a 2-year old, would soon be nipping at my heals.

The markers came and went while my discouragement only built. What had I eaten to make me so slow? I changed my workout schedule and was paying the price. I would never be able to make it four miles today and over and over I tried to convince myself to stop and turn around early.

Finally, I was away from the river and entering an industrial park near marker 15. The microchip in my brain recorded the following argument: "I am pathetic, unable to make it even two miles. I should just call my sister and have her pick me up. I didn't bring my cell phone. The sun will set and they will think I'm lost. This is why I always know the destination when I run! What was I thinking just 'going with the flow'!?" Then, I burst into tears while still running.

Finally at marker 15 I conceded, turning around while still crying and telling myself that at marker 8 I could stop running and walk the rest of the way because stress while running would simply cause injury. As I was nearing the walking reprieve, I asked a woman beside me for the time. 5:55pm and I had begun at 5pm. With a sigh I then asked "and these markers are for just 1/10th of a mile, right?" She began to laugh. "Oh no, Honey," she replied, "that's a quarter mile."

She laughed on her way and I tried to pry my chin off my still running chest. Calculations ensued. I had already finished 5 miles, the same length as my long run from Sunday. I still had 2.5 miles to get back to the car.

As tired as I was, I was excited. Knowing this changed the way I thought of the entire run. I wasn't slow, I was superwoman. I'd run 5 miles in 55 minutes! If I kept going I would run a quarter marathon and I still have 7 weeks of training!

I finally finished my run at 7 miles. Having met my sister at marker 5 (and yes, she was wondering where I had been.) I walked with her the last half mile to cool my aching body down. 7 miles. 75 minutes. My best run yet.

I find it amazing how quickly a mind can shift from tears to joy, from calling itself "wussy wanna-be" to "serious superwoman" in a matter of seconds. Had I gone out today to run 7 miles (and mind you I was trying to get people to tell me I didn't really have to run the four.) my mindset would have been different from the beginning and I would have saved myself frustration of 55 confused minutes. It might not have been easy but it would have been easier than beating myself.

What else do I beat myself up for that if I knew the facts, I would see I was exceeding my expectations, not failing them? What other markers am I passing where the mileage is just completely off? Hopefully there are less than there were a year ago but I know they still exist . This accidental run is a good reminder to beat myself up a little less and call myself superwoman a little more.

Single Satisfaction

In this journey I am finding pride in my choices, peace with where I am today and simple happiness. I was talking with my friend about being single. This is what I told her I realized.

I am happy and I happen to be single. When I was dating, I was never this happy. I wasn't even this happy single before and I know I wasn't choosing relationships that were going to bring me happiness.

I am happy and I happen to be single. The relationships I choose today are relationships that enrich my life, add joy to it. I enjoy being happy and if I happen to be single, fine. I know when the time comes that I'm not single, that relationship will be one of respect, joy, adventure and more happiness than I can imagine.

I am happy and yes, I happen to be single.

Call it a Switchback.

Switchbacks: trails with very sharp turns. trails that wind, making them less steep than a strait trail.

I spent this past weekend in the mountains. As a person who finds peace at the water, I never understood the draw of the mountains. As a person who loves new ways to workout, I understand the draw of the hike. Saturday I spent 90 minutes hiking around with no distractions...no people, no ipod, no cellphone.

As I enjoyed the fresh air, the rustle of the aspen leaves, the blue sky and beautiful views I thought about switchbacks and plateaus.

During weight loss you experience periods where the scale doesn't change. I know this because my scale hasn't changed since August. These periods are called plateaus and are frustrating to the point of tears. I shed some just last week from the frustration. You think you are doing what you need to be doing and still, the scale does not change.

As I was hiking, I was winding through switchback trails. I knew I was going up the mountain but the switchback made the climb up a more manageable incline and I really didn't think I was going that far up. Then there was a clearing. The trees broke, I could look down to where I had climbed from and I saw how far I had come.

Maybe they shouldn't be called plateaus in weight loss, but switchbacks. You know you're doing the work but you don't see the results but then, all of a sudden, the trees break and the scale changes.

This week I reached the top of this switchback and the scale went down.

The Half Marathon

"I've decided to run the half-marathon and you should run a half-marathon with me." says my best friend as we talk while I drive from Cleveland to Goshen. I had been in a work-out lull for a few weeks, I was getting back on track, needing a goal to work towards and the race was in Seattle on my 29th birthday. I said yes. I said yes to running a half-marathon in Seattle, on my birthday, 11 weeks from the day we made the decision.

Two days ago I ran 5.6 miles in 45degree drizzly rain, the perfect training run for Seattle really. I had given myself permission to put off my run until the next day thanks to the cold, the wet and the dark but just as my little devil said I could postpone, the angel put on my tennis shoes and hit the road for one of my best runs yet.

The map of the marathon is on my desktop, I'm memorizing the route, memorizing the inclines, declines and water stops. When I run, I visualize the route I'll be running in a few weeks, visualize myself saying goodbye to fear and hello to the finish line.

I'm now on week number of 5 of a 12 week training plan. The first week of training the longest run was 4 miles and already I'm running 4 miles on a routine day. I buy Runner's World magazine, I pour over them whenever I can and when people ask "Are you a runner?" I proudly say "Yes. I am."

I will be starting my 29th year by finishing a half-marathon. I will finish my 29th year by completing a marathon. I think 29 will rock.

Single Serving

I have a great idea for a cookbook. Well, at least I think it is a great idea.

One of the hardest things about eating well is learning how to cook for one. When you use recipes, they serve 4 or more. Well, silly healthy cookbooks, when you are overweight you aren't very good with portion control and if you cook a meal for four and you are only one, it is likely you will eat more than you should.

There are only so many times you can eat the same leftovers. Cooking and freezing ahead is a great option but the idea of cooking and freezing isn't appealing to everyone. So, how do you cook for one when the grocery stores and cookbooks are built to cook for four? That is the cookbook I want to write.

When I am home my favorite time of day is lunch, when I can scrounge through the pantry, freezer and fresh foods to make a meal just for myself. I will start to write some of these recipes down and work towards creating a cookbook written just for one. So, maybe if you are lucky, I will begin a weekly sharing of my recipes written just for one...fresh, fast and fabulous single servings.

Fall Focus

Summer's slip has turned like the weather into a Fall of focus. Labor day weekend I went to Grand Marais and had a chance to take a deep breath of Lake Superior air. It was weekend that tipped summer to fall...from a season of slip to focus.

After a beautiful still day on the beach, a book read from cover to cover, I was inspired to lace up my running shoes for the first time in weeks. Shoes laced, I hit the road out of town, not knowing where it would take me. As I ran out of town, I realized how bored I'd become with my workouts. The same routines, the same trail, the same ole' same ole'. Running out of town, I embraced to freedom of the unknown road and breathed in the possibilities before me. Possibilities...it is one of the things I find peace in. I have always known I enjoy beaches where you can't see land on the other side and now I know I love running roads when you don't know what you might encounter. You might even find your name carved into rock on the beautiful lake shore.

Possibilities.

Isn't that part of what this whole journey is about? When I started this, I knew that I was unhappy, felt like I had no options. Losing weight might not be easy but the possibilities before me are worth it. Oh, and so am I.

The Summer Slip.

June and July rocked. I was working out 6 days a week with butt-kicking workout videos from Jillian Michaels. I was getting all kinds of muscles and even some abdominal muscles. The weight loss was slow but the workouts were awesome. Then came the summer slip...summer came and the focus slipped away.

Last year the summer slip led to a 15 pound gain and only ended after a major bout of food poisoning kick started 5 of 15 back off. This year the summer slip was not nearly as severe. I managed to only gain a few pounds and they were back off in a week.

Beating myself up over the slip would have been easy but wouldn't have done any good. Summer comes each year, each year I'll slip at least a little bit. It isn't realistic to expect never to slip but it is realistic to expect that the slips will get shorter and the bounce back will take less time. So that is what I did during my summer slip. I forgave myself and kept stepping on the scale.

I must admit though....I do miss the mega muscles and the day I realized they weren't as big was the day my slip stopped.

The Tattoo.

My mother may not want to read this one... :)

I've been thinking of the perfect tattoo. I've been thinking of this for a while - sketching designs, trying to determine what about this journey I would want forever inked onto my skin since the tattoo would come only after losing half of myself. True, there are still many pounds to shed before I can commemorate with ink but I figure if I would live with this tattoo for the rest of my life it wouldn't be a bad idea to sit with the idea of the tattoo for a while to make sure I'd want it forever.

The other day at work I saw a piece of wall art and knew immediately that was it...that it was my tattoo. The tattoo is inspired by a cut metal piece from Haiti, the country that has inspired me in my work for so many years. Beyond work, these artisans have inspired me personally. These are artisans who take what others discard, imagine what could be, create art and put hope that each piece will bring them a better future.

"Earth Mother" they call her, this women with stem and leaves forming her shape like she is grown from the earth. This woman is rooted, yet flexible like the branches of the tree. Her hips are rounded like a heart, arms spread wide open to the possibilities, welcoming life. In her hand I will add a bird, a symbol of fears that I held onto for so long allowing them to hold me back. This bird, though, will be poised for flight, the fear being released allowing other things to come into grasp. And at the base of this woman a word signed where the artist would sign it, a single word that summarizes this journey of forgiveness, self, strength, hope and future...the one word yet to be determined.

Since this sculpture inspired the tattoo I can feel it on my skin, imagining where it will be. I visualize it, know what it represents and I begin to draw motivation to continue this journey one pound, one day and one choice at a time.

And frankly, I'm just so excited about the tattoo right now that if losing weight faster means getting it sooner...that could be some good motivation.

The Last Day of 2's

Today is the last day my weight will begin with a 2.

I weighed in today at 200.6, less than a pound from the 80 pounds lost mark. I could have been disappointed to not be in 199's, not to have made the 80 pounds this week but I'm surprisingly not.

Today is a day to celebrate, to remember, to carve in my memory as a day never to experience again. Today is the last day my weight will begin with a 2. Today is the last day I will type 200 into the treadmill when it asks for my weight. Today is the day I say good-bye to set of numbers I have lived in since 2004. Today is the last time you will see the thermometer read more than 60 pounds to lose because the next weigh in will throw me over the 80 pound lost mark.

Today is a day to say good-bye and be happy about it.

Dream.

I enjoyed singing along to a wonderful playlist as I walked the beach in the evening and as I thought about my book..my past and future...this playlist began to turn into soundtrack of my life.

If I were to have a movie made, this is the song that would play at either the beginning, end or some great climax in between. It might just be my new theme song.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

"Dream" by Priscilla Ahn

Taking All Titles

As I walked on the beach thinking of my book. I began to think of book titles.

I didn't think of anything good but enjoyed the process. This morning, I found an email and its sender had spent their morning walk thinking of book titles (not knowing I'd done the same thing last evening).

So, now I'm taking all title suggestions for the book I'm going to write about the journey of the last 74.4 pounds and the 65.6 left to lose.

The Wonder of Water.

Some people go to the mountains, some to the trails but I go to the water to find peace. The moment I see the water in front of me, smell it in the air, hear the waves lap the shore I can take a breath, big and deep, and feel...well, I just feel right.

Three weeks in a row I'm traveling for work and rather than endure airplane after airplane, I'm driving from location to location in the south and spending my weekends near the water. This weekend I enjoyed Hilton Head Island. Beautiful temperatures, warm water, cool breezes...the perfect two days at the beach.

My days looked like this:
9:00am Wake up in comfortable bed and linger
9:45am Eat yogurt in comfortable bed and sigh
10:30am Get out of bed and prepare for beach
11:00am - 6:00pm Beach, read, apply sunscreen, eat picnic lunch, kayak or workout, sit on deck when I might start to burn.
6:30pm Order room service and Shower
8:00pm Begin long walk on the beach with IPOD.
9:30pm stand in dark night looking into ocean, listen to favorite song and just be happy

My favorite thing, besides the kayaking, may have been my nightly walks on the beach. Walking among the families and couples, it really just felt like me and my ipod and my thoughts which lead to 2 great epiphanies.

Epiphany One:
Maybe this is what I am supposed to do, I thought. Travel to world alone, exploring, enjoying and writing. I've always wanted to set roots...buy a house, have a career but maybe, that is not what I need. I was reminded by a women last week that not everyone could do what I do. Travel alone, eat alone, navigate unknown roads and airports and cities without fear, with confidence. I love it though. I love to travel alone...especially when there is water.

As I walked the beach I thought that maybe the roots I wanted to plant are already growing deep, with my friends and my family, and I don't have to own a home to have them. And that I think I would be happy without a home of my own if the world could be my home, my adventure. To do this, I need to write a book. I'm sure there are other ways I could figure how to travel but when I travel alone, I write. I walk the beach and write in my mind and I think it could be a good book. So, I'll get on writing the first book...the book about this journey and then I'll take on the world and be ok if that means not owning a home of my own.

Epiphany Two:
I'm happy being single. I think I've tried to be ok with this for a long time, said I was ok with it, happier with only myself to tend to. This weekend I believed it. I walked the beach, among the families and couples and felt no envy, no jealousy. I thought nothing about them...just about me, traveling the world and loving it.

Missed Celebration.

While I was away from center, I missed celebrating a big accomplishment with you (and myself).

I now have lost more weight than I have left to lose....I have passed the 70 pounds lost mark and have 66 have to lose.

It still surprises me when I think about it.

Coming Back to Center.

I've been away...not away from my computer, but away from a place of inspiration. I've been muddling by, getting in good sweaty workouts (sometimes), eating well (most weeks) and maintaining my weight. I've been off focus and frustrated. I've been discouraged. I've been disappointed. I've been uninspired.

I would think to myself, "You need to blog."
I would answer myself, "What the heck do I have to say?"

I met with a friend last week who had not seen me in months and was shocked by the small sight of me. I had a hard time sharing in her delight because by now I feel I have looked this way for 3 months and I'm sick of it, ready to move on. I confessed to her how discouraged I was. She asked if I'd blogged recently and as I told her I hadn't. I added that I knew that was part of the problem, that by not blogging I didn't have the release of thought, the conciousness that it took to keep me sharply focused and aware of myself.

She challenged me that my not blogging was more than that. In my blogging you get to share in my success, my milestones, my revelations and sometimes in my tears. You could celebrate with me in those times but now when I'm discouraged and uninspired, I turn away from writing, from my friends, family and cheerleaders...all when I am in the most need of YOUR inspiration!

She did a good job of putting my head back on (as she always does) and last week I managed to whiddle off some more weight...maybe it was the weight of frustration that I had been carrying for so long.

I feel to be back on the right path I have on more thing to say. I'm sorry. You all have been a wonderful support. I thought of you by name when I was discouraged and frustrated but I didn't come to you and say "I'm discourages, I'm frustrated, please inspire me." You could have, I know but I didn't come here. Next time, because there is enough weight left to lose there will be a next time, I will.

Energy with an edge of Little Nagging Lonely.

Last night I finished work and was filled with an amazing amount of energy. I was feeling happy and fit, full of vitamin D, healthy foods and hardy workouts.

Today that feeling continues...a feeling that has come and gone in the past but seems to be coming and staying much more often now. And I've been trying to decide what this energy is coming from...yes the vitamin D and endorphins are helping but it must be more than that.

I am focused. I see the halfway mark right in front of me and I know I will reach it this week. Maybe it is because of that focus, that confidence, the accomplishment I am anticipating for reaching such a big milestone that is making me feel so......powerful.

Wound up, full of energy, confident that anything I want can be mine. I feel so ridiculously happy and am not fearful that happiness will go away! I now know I made this happiness for myself. It might be karma finally coming around to my side but I think I am ready to go reach for things I used to complain never came my way.

Last night when I was full of this energy I was also alone, the house empty for the evening, free to do what I wished. As I was running and lifting and cooking the energy sat there under the surface with this little nagging of lonely eating at the corners. It's annoying this little nagging lonely but I am choosing to accept it. This lonely isn't the same kind of lonely I used to have when I was alone, depressed, unhappy. This little nagging lonely is the edge of the energy that wishes I had someone to enjoy all this happiness with. To go putt-putt golfing, on a long bike ride, for a scoop of ice cream or enjoy a home-cooked meal made with fresh herbs I have yet to kill, someone to run while I am running or lift weights beside.

So, I'm enjoying the energy, the happiness and have determined that I will just have to accept that little nagging lonely that sits at the edge. Afterall, it's not a bad lonely. It is the kind of lonely that let's me know I am ready for what else is to come. It is the kind of lonely that gives me the confidence to give my number to a boy and be ok with the fact he hasn't called. If I gave it once, I'm sure there will be another boy, another time and the fear of giving my number...gone.

The Goal Box.

Today I was thinking about my little goal box. The goal box is one I got when I was in elementary school and I decided that I would use it to keep goals and dreams in. At night before bed I would be in the bottom bunk bed, pulling out my tiny paper and pencil dreaming of who I wanted to be.

Most the goals are still in the box...very few of them have happened.

I wanted to have 2 kids by the time I was 30....ain't gonna happen (thank goodness!)
I wanted to be married by 24....did I think that was old?? Maybe I'll shoot for 44?
I wanted to be a professional singer...I guess I've always set lofty goals.

I'm reading these thinking, dang, I was a good goal setter. I wrote dates and years for each thing to be accomplished!!

So, if I was putting goals in my little goal box today, what would they be?

I want to be 139.8 pounds by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to complete a triathlon sprint by June 30, 2010.
I want to run a marathon by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to open my own business.
I want to surround myself with people who love me...husband or no.
I want to offer grace rather than judgment, for myself and others.
I want to not kill the herb garden this summer.
I want to consider what I want alongside what I think is expected.
I want to balance the cynical and the romantic.
I want to have long nails.
I want to experience the thrill of a workout.
I want to the mother who runs pushing the fancy 3-wheeled stroller.
I want to remember it's ok not to be a mother.
I want to remember I can write my own rules for most things.
I want to not have bad debt ever again.
I want to always remember why I became 279.8 pounds.
I want to never forget what I learned by losing half of it.

Maybe they don't all have dates but maybe some things we should always strive for.

Oprah.

When I was little I had this little box I would put goals into. I'd write them down, put a time frame on them and tuck them away. Most of them I still have, some I threw out when I was old and cynical enough to realize they wouldn't come true (aka: high school). One of them was to be on Oprah.

Lucky me. Oprah is looking for people to have to lose over 100 pounds. Well...I have lost about 65pounds and still have about 75 pounds to lose which makes more than 100 pounds. So I think I should be on Oprah.

Do you think I should be on Oprah? You are reading my blog so you must think there is something interesting about me so help a girl out and tell Oprah I should be on her show. I promise not to disappoint AND! it could help me get a book deal (for those of you who have told me I should write a book.)

Write to Oprah For Sallie Here!!

Write. Please. Pretty Pretty Please with 100 Pounds on Top.

Road Blocks.

I'm scared of birds. Yes, I know, most people think I am fearless and I'm sorry to have confess otherwise. It's 6th grade's fault though, when they made us watch the movie "The Birds" and wouldn't let me sit in the hallway even when I found it scary. In Seattle I would cross the street to avoid pigeons, when a bird flew into the store I locked myself in the office even though I was in charge...I wouldn't even hang a bird kite with scary talons.

Today I finished a 4 mile run and decided to cap it off with a mile long cool down. When I was about a quarter of the way into the cool down I noticed a flock of geese in the water and one that had wondered onto the path. I thought maybe a half mile would be plenty for a cool down and that I should turn right around and go back to the car. I started to feel a little panicky about that mean looking goose dive bombing me and poking my eyes out.

As the panic set in I reminded myself I'm no longer a quitter. I don't turn and run when things get hard anymore. So with much care, I stepped around the bird, avoiding all eye contact and proceeded on my walk...well, maybe with a bit more vigor in my step until I was a safe distance away from that mean looking goose. As I turned around at the half mile mark I noticed ahead that the one goose had become two and as I approached the two became three and then four and more and more.

I took in my surroundings. There were no bikes in sight to scare the geese away. No other runners were approaching to clear the path. The geese were between me and the bridge so I couldn't cross across the mill race. Could I swim across?? The water was high enough, it wasn't the far but maybe the disease from the mill race would be worse than the attack of the geese. As anxiety crept in I had to make a decision. I could let these geese run me off my path, stop me in my tracks and send me running backwards. I could also step carefully to the side, proceed with caution for a while and then run like crazy to get a safe distance away from the mean birds but still headed to my goal.

As I took deep breaths, preparing myself to approach the geese, I decided to make these geese into a metaphor...if they were a metaphor I could handle walking past them a little easier. So, the geese. On any path there are roadblocks. In my journey there are the people who aren't supportive, who try to sabotage. There is the Chief, open for the season inviting me in. There are boys who flirt and get me thinking about dating more than I think about working out enough to reach my weight-loss goals (but really, flirting is so much more fun!!). There are the restaurant menus I look at when traveling for work, filled with yummy unhealthy options. Then, there is me, I know I stand in my own way at times even though that physically isn't possible...this is a metaphor after all.

So, I walked past the geese. They didn't bother me, they didn't sqwack (what noise do geese make?), they didn't flap their wings, they had no clue I was trying to pass and they were in my way. The roadblocks don't know they're blocking my path either. When friends ask to go out to lunch and I don't counter the unhealthy reastuarant for one with healthier options...they don't know they are on my path and I haven't told them. The Chief won't change it's location but I could change the path I drive. And as for that boy...well I guess I could say please call so I can stop thinking about the fact you haven't called...but maybe the metaphor doesn't work so well there.

The moral of the geese?

Things get in the way. They don't know they're in the way. Tell them they are in the way and ask them to move. If they can't move, move yourself...just keep moving forward. Always. Move Forward. Oh, and respect the geese.

Progress.

Today I looked down and my stomach did not stick out farther than my chest. It's about time.

Now go read the fun and flirty post. It's my favorite!

Patience in a Pound Plateau.

Oh Pound Plateau. For four weeks the plateau had lingered inviting doubt to come and join it.

It is hard to stay motivated when the needle doesn't move. It is during the plateau when the backwards slide can happen so easily. It can be frustrating to not see progress for weeks at a time. You feel like you're running but not going anywhere and it grows tiring to continue with excitement.

In the midst of my plateau I began to notice other things that were happening in my life. They didn't change the scale but when I started to notice these things, I stopped feeling as frustrated with the stubborn scale.

My nails grew. I got to enjoy my cute new clothes from Seattle. I got to feel like a size 18 and even cuter in the size 16. I took a week off from running and could still run when I went at it again. A boy flirted with me! I ate well and felt assured I had made a real change in my habits. Did I say my nails grew?

Maybe plateaus are a smart thing...maybe our body is telling us to stop and smell the roses.

Or....stop, feel your muscles, buy cute clothes, believe you are where you are and then celebrate.
Or...maybe it is a way of forcing balance. Focusing on losing the weight is important but so is getting healthy after a cold, stopping nail biting, having lunch with friends and if all you think about is the weight loss when it is over you will wonder what you do with your life now.
Or...maybe plateaus are a way to prove that you have made changes. If you begin to fear that you won't be able to finish, that you will slip back to old habits and a plateau hits, making it through might be the proof you need to believe in yourself.

I probably would not include patience on a list of traits I carry but I am learning that is not true. I have been patient in working through the plateaus, believing that the next step is being made even when it is a long long one. And while I'm taking that long stride I have time to enjoy the beautiful scenery around me. Then one day, the needle moves, moves fast and I celebrate my patience, determination and go run 4 miles.

Fun and Flirty.

Remember the story I shared last week? The one about a boy who was *trying* to flirt with me and I told him he was crazy and that the hot girl was on his other side?

I have decided it was a good thing I shared that story because otherwise when a boy flirted with me this week and then told me "You look great" I might not have been able to say "thank you" and let him flirt.

Yeah...It was pretty fun.

A Bunch of Ends.

Today I cried during The Biggest Loser as the final four contestant finished a marathon. There was a time when I had wanted to run a marathon. After finishing the 5k and training for another, faster one at the end of May I have again been thinking about marathons and now triathlons too.

As I thought about the marathon I began thinking about ends...all the ends that I'm trying to find.

The end of debt.
The end of sadness.
The end of pain.
The end of fat.
The end of self doubt.
The end of fear.
The end of work first.

And I reach those ends other ends seem more within reach...

The end of a 5k. (done!)
The end of a hike with my best friends.
The end of a triathlon sprint.
The end of a wedding aisle.
The end of a Marathon.
The end of a dating drought. (oh dear heavens...please end!)
The end of a fabulous trip.

It's those things that are getting me up from the comfy hotel bed to get in a workout no one else knows I'm doing and get me to do a little boggy dance on the way back from the gym.

I Did This.

Tonight I was struck by this fact....I did this to myself. I made the choices that put me at almost 280 pounds, in debt and unhappy. I did this.

The thought of this weighs heavy on me. I did this. After having lost 80 pounds during college getting to my lowest ever, 155 pounds, I let it all come back and so much more.

I've been thinking about that time in college. I remember being at a party (weighing 155 pounds and having run 5 miles that day) when a guy hit on me. Frankly, this is probably the first time I can remember someone hitting on me. I looked at him and asked him what kind of crazy he was that he was hitting on me and not the hot girls next to him. He laughed.

I have decided this memory is the perfect reminder of why I did this to myself after having been only 15 pounds away from my goal weight. I might have been a fit athlete to others but I was still the fat girl to myself.

I did this to myself, yes. But I am also undoing those choices and making the future for myself that I never could really imagine being a reality. During the last year that story from college has replayed itself in my head many times. Every time it plays, I am reminded to see myself where I am. I spend money on clothes that I will shrink out of because I need to see my body in those size 16 jeans, in that large shirt. I need to see my cheekbones, my clavicle bones, my biceps. I need to see myself as the person I really am today, the person I am becoming.

And every time I think...see that bicep? You did that.

The Tactic: Run Away the Sick.

It's been a while since I've posted, it feels like a while since I've done much of anything.

After getting home from Seattle, my exhaustion turned into sick and now I'm still struggling to get back to 100%.

Over the last week as I've lied around, not exercising, I've wondered if this is what I felt like before I started to lose the weight. I'm frustrated by my aching and exhausted body and I have a hard time believing that I lived so long feeling tired when I wasn't even sick! The time it's taking to feel back to my new normal is too long and I'm started to be frustrated.

So today I ran. I figure resting didn't banish the sick away so maybe getting back into my old routines will. Running came back today, weights will come back tomorrow. I haven't lifted weights in weeks and it feels strange not to feel strong, buff, excited by my new muscles....I might be frustrated by not feeling well but I am pleased that this rest has made me realize my changes are new ways of living, not just things I've forced myself to do.

I could keep taking naps but today I ran.

Sassy in Seattle

Here's a quick recap of the fun had in Seattle. Good friends, cute clothes, a great haircut, super wedding planning and a fun bachelorette bash....






My sassy new hair cut when it was straight.








A slimline view...not the cutest picture of my face but I liked my curvy and much smaller silhouette. Oh! I almost forgot to mention that these were my new size 16 jeans.










My cute new outfit for Alyssa's Bachelorette party.











Heidi, Alyssa and I after the party. It's a nice thing to have a friend with such long arms. :)

Sixty for Seattle!

I'm on my way to Seattle with my travel books to Nepal and India and tow so my girls and I can start planning the southeastern adventure.

That's right...if you remember a while back I bought the guidebooks for my next goal. 219.8, 60 pounds lost. I was determined to hit it before my Seattle trip and today I did - weighing in at 219.5!!

I'm now on the bus to the airport thinking of my next goal and reward for 209.8, 70 pounds lost and halfway to my goal. Just 9.7 pounds away! Woot!

I'll be doing some much needed shopping in Seattle and can't wait to share pics of my ever shrinking self in clothes that actually fit!

Tuesday Tears.

I cry every Tuesday. The Biggest Loser is on Tuesday and I cry while watching the show. Sometimes I cry during the previews, sometimes the tears come when I'm trying to recap what happened to someone else. I understand these tears. I'm watching people do the same thing I'm trying to do and I can see my journey in theirs.

I understand these Tuesday tears. I expect and embrace them.

What I haven't expected were the tears that threaten unexpectedly on Thursday or Sunday and every other day of the week. The tears well-up during a song, while driving, at the end of a good workout. Sometimes putting on a pair of jeans or looking in the mirror can cause them. A new pledge or an email from a friend may be the trigger.

Is my body getting so used to sweating that when I'm not, it tries to eliminate water from my eyes? Am I drinking too much water? Has the change in diet/exercise thrown me into a constant state of PMS? Every time the tears threaten I half laugh them off, half wonder what is happening to me.

I've been wondering this for almost six weeks now and this is what I have come to think.

When you are disappointed enough you begin to lose belief in yourself, to hate yourself. It was easier to deal with disappointment when I pretended it didn't matter that much and to pretend it doesn't matter, to avoid the hurt of failure and loss I built a wall. A big brick-cemented-rebar-jackhammers can't penetrate-petrified-wall that built over time.

My wall was layers thick. It had been building for years, and it's foundation was laid long before that. By the time I began this journey it was thick enough to block my optimism, my hope, my vision of the future. My wall blocked out my ability to see the possibilities within me. No love could pass through the wall and I was left alone. The wall didn't protect the hurt instead the wall made it so I felt as if I was without any help to heal.

The tears are breaking through my wall. I began to chip away at the wall over a year ago and I think maybe my tears come now because the wall is becoming thin enough that I can feel the tears threatening. There are holes, however small, that are letting the tears escape out.

I am trying to come to terms with these holes. I know that each goal I reach rips out a stick of rebar, each person I embrace as a friend helps to knock out a brick and as the wall comes down I come out, stronger but openly vaulnerable. That is the part I am coming to terms with. Vaulnerability.

In college I dreamt of running a marathon and then blamed my inactivity to bad knees. I finished a 5k and brought that dream back to mind. I used to dream of writing a book and now think I might actually have something to say. And maybe the one I have a hardest time admitting...I used to be a hopeless romantic and maybe, just maybe, a bit of that is coming back too.

Coming back open to the possibilities, brick by demolished brick.

Running To Beat Myself.

Friday I woke up to chilly temperatures, gray skys, the threat of rain and strong wind. After arriving home at 2am Friday morning, it didn't seem like a good day to run. All day was an exhausting mental fight and the less than perfect weather did not help to create an optimistic outlook.

When we got to the registration for the run, I was overwhelmed by the number of people that were there and the number of people I knew. As I saw person after person register who all looked like real authentic runners, I struggled to not totally talk myself out of even beginning the run. One girl I knew was a record setting runner in college and here I was running in my first "race" after running for only the last 6 weeks.

As we were waiting in the cold and wind (thankfully, at least the sun had come out by now) a few people spoke with me, "where is the race starting?", "are you wearing something on your ears?" "are you running?". I thought to myself, "at least my clothes make me look like a runner and no one is laughing at me."

The race started. It was too cold to run in my normal gear so I added a jacket on top of my long sleeves, mom was going to the park we were looping through so if I needed to ditch the jacket she could pick it up for me. There were more than 50 people starting, 50 runners and some more for a 3k walk. It took all of 5 steps for me to start deciding I couldn't finish. I tried to find a person whose pace I could match but I just ended up letting people pass, moving to the right and finding my own pace. My IPOD shuffle and fancy runner's earbuds were my running partners as I strode through the cold.


The first half mile was a path I was familiar with and so were the mental fights I found myself having. It was cold, hard to breathe, my legs were stiff. In the first quarter mile I had decided that I could stop at the park, hop in the car with mom and have her drive off. No one would need to know I couldn't finish. When I made it to the park, I realized that first half mile went quickly and maybe this wouldn't be all bad. I was at the end of the pack by now but no one had lapped me and there was someone just in front of me I could keep my eyes on.

The first mile finished, I'd stripped my jacket and flung it beside a tree, looped around for my second round in the park and got passed lapped for the first time by a runner. As I was in my second loop the fun mind games started again. The woman in front of me started walking and I got so excited to walk I did as well. After a step I started screaming in my head "What are you doing!?!?!? You're not supposed to be walking! Abort, Abort! Lift both legs and run!" Apparently, if my friends jumped off a bridge, I would too, I might realize I wasn't supposed too but it would be after I'd already jumped.

While I was running I thought about how the run was like the changes I'm making. It wasn't the perfect day for a run, but there is no perfect day to start something new, to take a chance, to make a change. If I always waited for the perfect day, I'd never move forward. Sometimes when trying to move forward you splash through puddles, get passed by people you think shouldn't be doing better than you, feel like you are the last person on earth where you are at. In the midst of a challenge it can feel like everything is working against you just like the wind, threatening to push you backwards, making you feel like you are putting in a lot of effort for very little progress. When you can't see a finish line and you're running the path for the first time the odds of finishing seems slim but you just need to keep moving forward and eventually you'll see the end coming.

Step after step, thoughts raced through my mind.

"What's the shortest way around that puddle?
No, your calves do NOT hurt! Just listen to the music.
Why aren't you saying woot! woot!? Breathe, breathe, oh crap! I haven't been breathing!! Breathe and step, woot woot, keep going.
Who cares if you finish last? The other runners are half your size, they should finish in half the time. If you finish in less than double their time you really beat them pound for pound and that is pretty good.
What? There's a person behind you? There are three people, three people behind you! You won't be last!
Ok, the path you know. And the half mile post is just up ahead, just a half mile more! You can do a half mile easy.
Now I'm starting to feel good! Too bad it is almost over.
Lengthen your stride.
Why don't these stupid walkers move to the left so I can pass them without moving? GRRR!
I see the building! Almost over!
Finish! Who cares who sees you.
Listen for your time, listen for your time.
34? did he say 34? I rock. I rock. That's less than 45! That's just 11mins/mile.
And I was NOT last!!!

When I was finished and 34 was rolling around in my head, I had to fight back the tears. Sure, this run was just a 5k, I didn't win anything, it might not look impressive to some. For me, it was a mountain climbed, the beginning of me coming back, or maybe be coming out for the first time. In school I played sports, was never the best and more often than not felt like a bench riding loser. My strength on a team was encouraging others, not scoring points. This run was about Sallie the mentalist and no one else, this was me finding my own stride. My success was all because of what I put into it and I know how much time I put in on the treadmill.

In the end, it turns out 3 people finished behind me. If you want to see for yourself...race results.

When I was in college and running often, I would often spend my runs thinking about how cool it would be to someday run a marathon. Yesterday wasn't a marathon in length but it was a marathon in mind. Maybe after a few more 5k's I'll run a 10k and then maybe I'll run a half-marathon and then maybe I'll do a half-triathlon and then maybe someday I'll do a marathon. Or maybe I'll only ever run 5k's but maybe someday I'll win. I'm beginning to think anything I decide to do is a possibility.

5k Comments

In case you want to mentally push me further tomorrow...

The 5k I've been training for is tomorrow. I know that people who run for real will be racing but I've been reminded how much I like running and I want to run for real too. This is my first for real race after starting running again just in January.

The run is tomorrow at 6pm so you can think "woot, woot, dilly, dilly, you can do it" just like I do while I run if you think about it. Everyone tells me it is ok if I have to walk...I am determined to run it all, I may run at a walk pace but my two feet will not hit the ground at the same time.

PS. I'm starting to feel all athletic and stuff. It's pretty fun.

The Sunday Shuffle.

It's Sunday and I am sick but happy.

Earlier this week my IPod quit working after my run. I tried everything to fix it but after no success I pulled out the product replacement plan I paid for and went to Best Buy. Instead of replacing my IPod they gave me a gift card for the original price I paid for it which made me very excited since I could get double the memory in a new IPod for the same price. So I left the store with a new 16GB IPod, enough memory to get me through weeks of travel in Nepal, India, Bangladesh and wherever else I land.

While there, I got the great idea to buy an IPod shuffle for my next mini-marker weigh-in reward. Mom hid it so I couldn't open it before I hit 225 but I didn't have to wait long. I hit that mini-marker today and got my IPod Shuffle! I am very excited.

Next mini-marker? 219.8 which will put me at 60 pounds total lost, reward not yet determined. I bought travel guides to Nepal and India the other day but have not touched them until I decide if I can just read them or if they will be my reward for the 219.8 pounds. If I decide to make it my reward I will still earn them in time to take them to Seattle with me in April so Heidi, Alyssa and I begin planning the trip to come.

So I'm sick and it's sunny but I'm not enjoying that but I am enjoying my littler body and IPod shuffle. (and it's pink if you wondered.)

The Spree.

The jumbled thoughts of the last week tumbled out tonight in multiple posts. They might make a little more sense in sequence. The first was about the case of the shoulds.

What the Hair?

Grass by Piece of Grass.

I WIN!!

Today I was the champion of an almost 6 day fight in my head. After my lunch break I slipped into my workout clothes, put my tennis shoes by the door, ready for the trail I would hit at 5pm.

I don't know if it was sitting in my workout clothes for hours that made the change or if it was the sunshine or the fabulous lunch I shared with a friend but when I started to jog today it didn't trigger a fight. Two and a half of my four miles were spent running today.

the view from my water bottle.

I kept laughing at myself. "Jog to the next tree", I would say. Before I would reach that tree I would say "Jog to the telephone pole." and on and on the hour went. Sometimes I would set a marker and then decide I needed a shorter goal..."forget the bush, just jog to that tall piece of grass. Then think about the stupid bush." I might have taken it piece of grass by silly piece of grass but I made it a mile in 12 minutes and then started jogging again.

That jog was like my weight-loss. I have broken down my goal not in half but in 10 pound (or less) intervals. If I thought about the end goal I would give up before reaching it because I can't see it, it's so far away. When I was jogging, it was the same thing. I knew the mile marker was out there but I didn't know how far away it was so I made the goal shorter and by the time I saw the mile marker, the end, I knew I could finish what I started. My short goals I call "mini-markers" and still sometimes 10 pounds feels too far away so I break it down to my goal that week. Then the goal for the week is too far away so I step on the scale in the mornings during the week...not to record what it says but because that morning scale step is like the next piece of grass.

Maybe I have a short attention span or maybe I'm just really good at breaking huge goals down into manageable pieces. Whatever the reason, I'm going to keep concentrating on that next piece of grass and eventually I will have reached my goal with a big bottle of water in hand.

The Microchip in My Head.

On Monday, I finally made it out the door with my tennis shoes on. I had high hopes for going out and running long distances with ease while harboring fear of not ever being ready for the 5k that is coming up in three weeks.

When I started out on the trail I warmed up, stretched and started my jog. It seemed when my legs started lifting it triggered this mental battle all over again and I hadn't made it a full minute! GRRRRR.....I was so annoyed. I didn't know what the fight was about, how to kick it, what I needed to figure out to be able to move on. Worse yet, slowing to a walk didn't make the fight stop meaning all I had to finish the fight was my tennis shoes, the sunshine, the trail and myself.

I wish there had been a microchip in my head that I could just download to this post. I might never want to read the transcript but I bet there were some parts that were rather interesting. I called myself bad names. I told myself to ignore the bad names. I asked myself clarifying questions. I tried to convince myself to forget the 5k. I even thought, "man, I wish I had a microchip in my head right now that I could download to my blog." It took me two miles to fight this battle out and at the end of those two miles, all I had decided that all I could do was make it work.

I was freaked out about not being physically able to run this stupid 5k and was scared that trying to train for it would keep me from doing my other workouts and I wouldn't be able to hit my weekly goals. I was afraid I would try and fail. At the end of two miles I had decided that when I got home I would make a list, make a chart and get over myself. When the trail ended, I looped around for the two miles back and started jogging.

The two miles back went much faster than the way there thanks to alternate run/walks. When I got to my car and started downing my 32 ounces I had decided that I would try and everything else would just work out. And I guess, that's just going to have to be good enough.

Should-ing All Over Myself.

Last Wednesday I did my 5k prep and I hurt. It was hard, painful, frustrating and I was having a fight in my head the entire time. Every time I would jump of the tread to grab of gulp of water I would mentally beat myself up for stopping. During the middle of a segment I would lower the speed because I didn't think I could go that fast any more. When the person in the room tried to talk to me I breathily spat out "I chaaaant thaaaalk riiiiggghhhht nowwwww." or "No. I chaaaaaannnnt listeeeeen." Frankly, it was amazing that I didn't stop and yell for everyone to get out and let me do it myself!

I was having a fight with myself and the quitter was winning. The quitter kept saying "You're not so inspirational now, are you heavy breathing sweat-monster?"

I finished the workout Wednesday but fights in my head didn't end. Wednesday night turned in Thursday and Thursday to Friday and I was still fighting....and the fighting made excuses for not working out. Saturday I gave up. I told the quitter that I would give the week up, that I would eat the cheese and the salt and the blizzard that it was asking for since Wednesday but I would only do it so I could wake up on Sunday and the fight would be gone. I weighed in Sunday and saw the same numbers that were there at the beginning of the month and I was pleased. Pleased to erase the last two weeks and begin fresh.

It was Monday before I could workout again. The fight had knocked me around so badly that I was bruised, busted and without the motivation to get going but the day was sunny and warm and I wanted to hit the trail I would run for the 5k and see what would happen.

This wasn't my first fight but somehow it felt like the worst. Saturday when I ate that blizzard in defeat (but still enjoying it mind you) I wondering if I was really defeated or if maybe I did win the fight after all. At lunch today my friend and I talked about should-ing...the things we feel like we should do even if it isn't what is best or what we really want. When I was fighting with myself I was should-ing all over the place. I should eat healthy, I should exercise, I should keep with my program, I should wait until Sunday to splurge and blah blah blah blah blah. No. Saturday I finally said "Forget the shoulds and move the freak on!!" and ate my blizzard because I knew that eating it would satisfy the craving and let me move to the next step.

Should we always follow the shoulds? Sometimes we do the things we should and it makes us move more slowly to our goals because the shoulds keep us doing what is best for us. That's what I think and I for one am going to stop should-ing all over the place.


**thank you to Carrie Bradshaw for giving me my first insight into the shoulds.

Rockin' Out My Reward.

Last Monday I bought myself new fancy running shoes that I earned from my last mini-marker. I've been needing new shoes since my previous pair had been around since March 2006* and given that I'm running again, the timing couldn't be more perfect.

my view from the treadmill...can you see the drops of sweat?

I broke them in good last week because after finishing my sculpting workout video in my hotel room (yes, I brought my weights in my suitcase with me) I got on the treadmill and this is what I did.

Speed Walk: 5 minutes
Jog: 5 minutes
Run: 5 minutes
Jog: 10 minutes
Run: 5 minutes
Speed Walk: 5 minutes
Cool down.

Please do the math. That's 25 minutes jogging/running solid. That's two miles. That's more than since ummmm....2003. That was on the first day of my 5k prep plan.

So to sum things up:

I rock.
My shoes rock.
My workout clothes rock.
I rock.
and really, the hotel treadmill rocks too.

*I know how old they are because I remember buying them while I was a manager in Seattle, attending training in Akron, PA for the first time...NOT because they were a fabulous pair of shoes. And yeah, they still had the plastic loop on them from the hang tag. I'm kind of lazy about fully removing tagging supplies.

Pump It Up.

"Pump up the jam, pump it up while your feet are stompin and the jam is pumpin."

-Pump Up The Jam Lyrics By Technotronic

This is what I've been chanting to myself since finishing my cardio workout at full intensity and length tonight for the first time.

Six Weeks Ago...
I started two Biggest Loser workout videos, Power Sculpt and Cardio Max. I finished Power Sculpt Level 1 (there are three levels and you step up every 2 weeks) for the first time and mom asked if it kicked my butt. I laughed and told her it was so easy, I barely broke a sweat! The next day, however, I was so sore I could barely make it up and down the stairs.

I powered through though and did Cardio Max Level 1 the following day. I was breathing so hard at the end that I thought I was going to pass out...I spent the cool down lying face down on the floor. I was still sore at the end of the workout and I think it lasted, oh...at least 3 days.

Today...
Yesterday for the first time, I did Power Sculpt, all three levels, with increasing weights through each level. I was sure that I would be so sore today but to my glee I woke up with not a sore muscle in sight!

So, today when it was time to workout, I decided it was time to do Cardio Max all levels for the first time. I started the workout thinking, as long as I make it through the first two levels I could quit but decided I could kick my own butt (literally, I was doing butt kick jump ropes) and finish the whole workout. Five pounds of sweat and 50 minutes later I'd completed the full workout and when cool down came I was able to do it upright.

The Morale of My Random Reflection...
As I was cursing and screaming at the DVD player for sticking and thus making my workout longer during the hardest segments...I tried to focus on just how far I'd come in 6 weeks. I was completing exercises I thought impossible 6 weeks ago with lots of sweat but confidence. When things got really hard and the DVD was sticking making the pain last longer, I tried to tell myself that this two would be so much easier at the end of next week if I just kept going today.

As the sweat dried and turned to salt on my skin (kind of gross but very true) I started thinking about what else can change in just 6 weeks. If you choose to be disciplined, can you change anything in 6 weeks? I know I can grow my nails out in less than that. I know that my hair can grow a good half inch. I know that I can go from fast food burgers to fast food salads. If I focused for just 6 weeks could I start my card business? Could I save lots of money for my trip? Could I find a date? :)

In my workouts, I know I'm doing something good when my feet are leaving the ground or I'm going from the ground to the up high. Maybe it's the same outside of a workout too. If I'm taking leaps into the unknown, jumping at chances, going beyond what I thought I could do...it might be hard but it might be really good for me. If I've fallen down, maybe it is how fast I can get back up that shows my strength...not avoiding the fall in the first place.

If I can get so much stronger in 6 weeks, how much stronger will I be at the end of this? I'm beginning to see the possibilities as I sing "pump up the jam" and the possibilities are not all physical.

Giving Myself Full Credit.

Someone said that they thought the thermometer of pounds lost should show all the pounds I've lost so far....even those before I hit the 100 pound left mark.

So I changed it and am giving myself credit for the first 40 pounds I lost. Look how close to halfway I am!! Woot Woot!

Drawing Lines for a Life.

There is a 5k run for Goshen's First Friday event in April that I've been talking about running in since February. I've been increasing my cardio over the past month but have not thought much about the fact that I would have to run 3 miles straight, outside, with other people around for the event. As I was lying in bed last night these realities came to light, along with the fact that I scheduled a work trip that would make it so I couldn't be home in time for the run.

I lied in bed trying to be happy that work was going to get me out of this run but I couldn't escape feeling like I was letting myself down. As scary as running 3 miles straight, outside, with other people around sounded at 11pm, letting work get in the way of one more thing that I wanted to do was even worse.

So I did what I rarely do. I emailed my boss this morning and told him I needed to be home Friday for this event and could he rearrange the training schedule so I could get home. He did. I can. I'm running in a 5k.

I realize that the 5k wasn't the most critical of life events to rework a schedule for but for me it was another step in putting my life in balance with my work. I can say I don't do things because of my travel schedule, I often do, but I can also say I can't travel because of my life schedule.

When I get home next week I'm setting up some reserved "no travel" weeks in my schedule so I can live more of the life I'm fighting so hard for, coming out from under these 100 pounds.

A Supermodlequin.

I want to be one of Old Navy's Supermodelquin so I can talk about my butt with them. If I was a Supermodelquin I would join in conversations like this...

"The best part of being a mannequin is being able to turn your head around so you can stare at your butt."

"Yeah, I have a perky petuti."

"Check out my bodacious bum."

"Nutritious and bootylicious!"

I think I would say I've got a righteous round rump. What kind of supermodlequin booty do you have?

A Super Saver.

I'm a super saver!

There is this certificate of deposit at my bank where you can open it with $100, add to it over the year and get a higher interest rate than a normal savings account. I thought this might be a smart thing for my trip savings.

So, when I was welcomed home last week with my first pledge check I decided to go for it! The account is open and will automatically be added to each month (that's part of the deal of the account.) In addition to the money that will automatically be added to it each month I will be adding to it each Sunday after I weigh in.

I am pretty excited to be a super saver and it makes the fact I'm doing this all the more real.

ps. The bank calls it the "Smart Saver" but I think "Super Saver" sounds way more cool so that's what I am.

The Purge.

Yesterday when I got out of my very own bed was very surprised to see myself in my full length mirror. It had been three weeks since I'd seen my full self and I was surprised at the changes.

Smaller calves, leaner legs and bigger biceps were just a few of the things that greeted me in the mirror yesterday morning.

So what did I spend my first morning at home doing? PURGING! I yanked out the jeans I've been trying on religiously to fit and prepared myself to try and wiggle in. Instead I slid in smoothly, buttoned effortlessly and felt better than I did when I wore them once for my 25th birthday! I just feel like I'm getting so much younger!

A few hours later, piles of clothes had moved into the closet because they now fit. Best of all, piles of clothes had moved out since they are now too big and baggy. Of course, all this purging occurred while dancing around to great music, running out to show my mom and then victoriously throwing the rejects onto the pile of the purged.

My closet now has room for new smaller clothes and I feel lighter knowing all that big baggage is moving out. A weight lifted, a recognition of a job well done and a secret sallie behavior I was glad to be able to do again.

A New Reward.

After three weeks on the road I was home for an official weigh-in today. After my "last chance workout" this morning I weighed in with a new milestone.

229.6! Down another 10 pounds and over 50 pounds lost total.

In addition to those great milestones this weight loss also meant that through 3 weeks on the road with food and stress aplenty, I was able maintain 2 pound a week weight loss. I'm excited, very excited. And in addition to all that 229.6 means I am below my mini-marker goal of 229.8 and have earned myself a new pair of running shoes which I will go looking for tomorrow!

My next mini-marker? 225 pounds. I decided to reward 225 because it is a round number and seemed worth rewarding.

Check out the thermometers to the right for the latest weight & pledge totals.

Secret Sallie Behavior.

If there was a nanny-cam in my room it might see...

• Butt Grabbing. I like it see if it is getting firm and round because I am a tad bit panicky that it will be flat. Someone said to me a few weeks ago that they will miss my booty. I will miss it too if it gets flat so I channel J-Lo and Beyonce as I do one-footed bridges. If you're around after a good workout, you might get to feel it too.
  
• Belly Dancing. I know it's not really belly-dancing but I do like to pretend it is.
• Bicep Flexing. I really, really like to feel my biceps. Actually, you might not see me feel my biceps in the nanny-cam because sometimes I like to cross my arms to discretely feel my biceps. Great entertainment in a boring meeting, you should try it.
• Triceps Stretches. I really only stretch my arms so I can reach around and feel my shoulder blades. I think they will be cute.
• Clothes Flying. Trying on clothes that don't fit quite yet every night until they do fit is one of my favorite "time to go to bed" activities. It also explains why there are so many clothes on my bedroom floor all the time.
• Bed Dancing. Waking up is not waking up unless Ingrid Michaelson's "Be OK" is playing and I am squirming about in my bed. My arms often flail about during this dance.
• The Twist. Except done slowly, to fast music and often in the process of getting my pajamas on.
  

The Stuff I Miss.

I am now in the middle of week two of my three weeks away from home. I used to miss my bed while loving the cable TV and restaurant meals that I didn't pay for. Now I think I am officially on my way to dork-hood. The following is a list of things that I now miss when I'm away from home.

1. Sauteed Spinach at lunch...and anything else I want to cook for that matter.
2. Walking outside to go to the bathroom...It might be cold but it's fresh air.
3. The weight bench and weights in the basement...my arms are feeling weak and I really like feeling my biceps.
4. Carpeted floors...workout videos on a cement slab can be hard on the joints.
5. A full kitchen...although I'm getting creative at cooking dinner in a microwave (yes spinach can be cooked in a microwave) I miss the stovetop.
6. Scale...Yesterday I went and bought a scale to leave in Akron for when I travel here and today I was very happy. This scale is being added to the two 5lbs dumbells and yoga mat that will live here as a little traveling gym.
7. A Garden View...I didn't realize how seeing the garden and sky makes me so happy. Cubicles just don't cut it.
8. TV Viewing buddies...when you yell at the TV alone you just look like a loser.
9. The big blue ceramic mug...little tiny mugs just get empty too fast.
10. People yelling supportive words at my sweaty self on the treadmill while they are sitting on the couch...need I say more?

Those are the top 10 things I miss. If they make me a dork at least they make me happy too.

The Power of Belief.

One day I woke up and believed in myself.

Belief didn't come right away. When I started this journey a year ago, I had been traveling for over a year. I was on a flight from Atlanta to Akron and for the first time I had to ask for a seat belt extension. I sat in that flight ashamed that I could not fit in that seat and, knowing lent started in just a few days, I made the decision in that flight that I would change my life. When I made that decision what pushed me through the beginning of this journey was fear, not belief.

I remember being so fearful of what my life would be like if I didn't make a change. I feared failure. I feared I would let myself down again, give up again. I told others, for their support I said, but really so I would become terrified that I would let them down and push myself forward. It was the adrenaline of fear that kept me focused for a very long time.

And then one day, I woke up and there was belief.

What is the change that happens that lets belief come in? I don't know what changed, I could never tell you the moment when I believed in what I was telling myself I was going to do. I just told myself that I could do it often enough that one day I woke up and I believed I would succeed.

There are moments in a day when I become overwhelmed by the power of belief. Belief allows me to work out 3 or 4 times in a day off. Belief allows me to plan a trip that I shouldn't be able to afford. Belief gives me the freedom of living in a reality where success is an inevitability instead of failure a constant threat.

Fear can't live where belief does. I have often wondered why when I had lost so much weight in college I couldn't keep it off. Now I think it is because I lost all that weight through fear, not belief. Maybe success achieved through fear can never be sustained because living in fear is exhausting. When you live in fear, you eventually let yourself down and there is nothing within you powerful enough to pick you back up and move you forward again. It is the success achieved through belief that is sustained because it is the power of belief that can keep you going when you falter. Belief allows you to forgive yourself and forgiveness lets you always move forward.

I remember stories my mom told me about myself when I was little...that I would fall down hard, get up, brush myself off and take off running again. I don't know where that girl disappeared to but I think that part of me is back, all thanks to a little thing called belief.

Forgive and Move On.

Someone asked me recently how I'm doing this. I think she wanted to know if I was doing weight watchers, counting calories, doing a special workout. I told her "through forgiveness."

I thought of this during the past week. I'm on the road again, this time spending three full weeks in Akron, PA helping with and planning three trainings. (Two are done, YIPPEE!) I knew coming into the weeks that they would be difficult to balance training, preparation, socializing with co-workers and taking care of myself...and I was right.

Last night I got home exhausted after dinner and sat debating if I could excuse myself from a workout. Over the week too little sleep and too much stress had me exhausted but I hadn't worked out that day (or the one before, I confess). I sat there tired to the bone, feeling guilty for not exercising and I remembered that I'm successful because of forgiveness.

I am successful because I choose to...
Forgive myself when I can't be superwoman.
Forgive myself when I can't do everything in one day.
Forgive myself for being "good enough".
Forgive myself for making choices that I should have made another way.
Forgive myself for stressing instead of sleeping.
Forgive myself because I know I'll do it better next time.
Forgive myself because I know I'll do it right tomorrow.

I forgave myself last night for being tired. I went to bed early, woke up as late as possible, finished my work week, ate well and worked out. I did it right today.

the "Me" moments.

I was in the shower this morning and decided the world would be a better place if we all took more "me" moments. We put priority in work, friends, family, tv and other things and often things that we love, that make us us, get pushed aside. Months later, then, we think we haven't felt much like ourselves and it turns out it is because of that dusty "me" thing we shoved in the corner.

One of my "me" things is making cards. When I took the time to start making cards again this Christmas it was like I took too many happy pills. I started to feel like me again.

Maybe we should all encourage each other to look for our "me" things shoved and dusty in the corner, then encourage each other to start them again and help each other make the time to do the "me" things. I think we might all like each other more that way. I mean, I know I like me better when I've made a card.

A Mix of Love and Fear

When I decided to start this blog again I didn't think about it. Well....that's a lie. It took me a month to think up a blog title and I started a couple blogs that I ditched because I decided later I couldn't say the name without being embarrassed.

What I didn't think about was how people would react. What I thought about was a co-workers comment that I should think of a creative way to go on the trip I have been mentally planning for almost a year now. That comment, along with a 4 hour drive alone, inspired the "Pledge for a Pound" idea. When I thought it up, I thought it was crazy, off the wall, a bit ballsy but maybe just crazy enough to be fun. More than the trip funding, I fell in love with the idea because it meant sharing with more people where I am at, asking to know that others support me in this and to have a list of names taped to my wall that I can look at and know that I am worth spending time on and others think so too.

So, I went for it and today I awoke to the reality of what I had done. As I was sitting in the airport before the sun had risen, I checked out facebook and saw multiple people had commented to my posting about the blog...all in love and support. When I opened my email I saw that someone had sent me a pledge form and it wasn't family. I cried. In the middle of the South Bend airport waiting area, tears started, from a feeling of absolute overwhelming from the love that was displayed so quickly. But those tears were also mixed with the fear of "what had I done?!?!" I had posted this for the world to see, for people to share, for me to share secrets I'd hidden under layers of fat for so long.

I struggled with this mix of love and fear through most of the day but this is what I decided. I decided that I am ready for this. For years I have been shutting myself out, holding people at arms length, letting people seeing only what I thought they would like because I was terrified they wouldn't really love me if they really knew me. Today I decided that was a load of bologne and I'm going to just get over it. Today person after person told me to go for it and one even said they'd read the book that Oprah will have me on her show for. :) (A secret dream of mine that is not so secret now.)

So, it took me a couple of years but I'm officially ready to have friends again.

Dreams of Celebration.

I hope to lose these 100 pounds this year although I am realistic enough to know my life isn't "The Biggest Loser" (although some weeks I give them a run for their big fancy trainer money). Whenever I shed that last pound, however, I will be celebrating with the trip of a lifetime.

I will be taking my body, my confidence and my successfully skinny butt to a trifecta of beauty: Nepal, India and Bangladesh. (If I'm lucky my successfully skinny butt will also end up on a beach in Thailand.) I say it is a trip of a lifetime because I will never again in my life lose 50% of my body weight, I will only once feel the rush of excitement for the first time I do an activity that would never have been possible as the Sallie I once was. My trip will be more than a success of what I accomplished...it will be a trip to look forward to what can be.

A dream of mine is to have my own line of handmade paper cards, made from fair trade paper and of all the artisans I've learned about over the years, it is the artisans who create paper that I have wanted to visit. Traveling to India, Nepal, Bangladesh and Thailand will allow me to visit paper-making artisans, learning their stories and letting me dream of a future filled with paper.

Celebrating successes, dreaming of the future, embracing the day...that is my dream of a lifetime and it is only 100 pounds away.

Where I am today.

A year ago I began a trek to remove 140 pounds and at the end of 2008 celebrated 40 pounds lost.

What I have found so far is that my journey isn't simply about weight loss, it has been about understanding why I chose weight gain instead of living my life as I wanted. What I have lost in a year has profoundly changed my present, my future and my belief in what I can achieve. What I have lost is way more than 40 pounds, I have begun losing years of bottled up pain, frustration and other bad stuff that was buried deep below the surface....deep below the fat.

Today I'm staring to see my world is new. I sometimes feel like my nieces discovering their bellybuttons for the first time but instead I am discovering my cheekbones, my shoulder blade, my endurance, my biceps and so much more.

I invite you to join me on my journey. Read the blog, comment so I don't feel alone, track my weight loss numbers, rack up a few of your own...and maybe even let me know you support me so I have a list of names of people who I can think of when I feel like I can't go any farther.

And for those of you who want to help me reach my dreams you can Pledge for A Pound to help me realize the trip of a lifetime.

Tikal and other wonderful adventures.

I only have a few moments but wanted to say that Guatemala is wonderful. I hope you have been able to check the website...i haven´t seen it myself but i think information about our trip to Tikal was posted.

it was an amazing place, Tikal. More than I thought it would be. I pushed myself, walking more than 15 miles, not counting the five times we climbed temples, and ziplining through the rainforest...all after waking up at 4am!!

As I was climbing steps that were a little too unstable or as I was looking out from the highest pre-columbian structre in the world..I thought of you all. I dedicated steps to you to keep me going upwards. When I had made my way through a tough hike and up to the top of Tikal for sunrise I felt you there with me. I felt so proud of myself to have made it....the 20 plus pounds i´ve lost since February were critical in me getting up the temples and I just was so very proud and I knew you would have been proud of me too.

So thank you for joining me in Tikal. I can´t wait to tell you more about this wonderful trip, beautiful country, joyful people and the way it is motivating to keep striving for my best self.