I Did This.

Tonight I was struck by this fact....I did this to myself. I made the choices that put me at almost 280 pounds, in debt and unhappy. I did this.

The thought of this weighs heavy on me. I did this. After having lost 80 pounds during college getting to my lowest ever, 155 pounds, I let it all come back and so much more.

I've been thinking about that time in college. I remember being at a party (weighing 155 pounds and having run 5 miles that day) when a guy hit on me. Frankly, this is probably the first time I can remember someone hitting on me. I looked at him and asked him what kind of crazy he was that he was hitting on me and not the hot girls next to him. He laughed.

I have decided this memory is the perfect reminder of why I did this to myself after having been only 15 pounds away from my goal weight. I might have been a fit athlete to others but I was still the fat girl to myself.

I did this to myself, yes. But I am also undoing those choices and making the future for myself that I never could really imagine being a reality. During the last year that story from college has replayed itself in my head many times. Every time it plays, I am reminded to see myself where I am. I spend money on clothes that I will shrink out of because I need to see my body in those size 16 jeans, in that large shirt. I need to see my cheekbones, my clavicle bones, my biceps. I need to see myself as the person I really am today, the person I am becoming.

And every time I think...see that bicep? You did that.