Last Wednesday I did my 5k prep and I hurt. It was hard, painful, frustrating and I was having a fight in my head the entire time. Every time I would jump of the tread to grab of gulp of water I would mentally beat myself up for stopping. During the middle of a segment I would lower the speed because I didn't think I could go that fast any more. When the person in the room tried to talk to me I breathily spat out "I chaaaant thaaaalk riiiiggghhhht nowwwww." or "No. I chaaaaaannnnt listeeeeen." Frankly, it was amazing that I didn't stop and yell for everyone to get out and let me do it myself!
I was having a fight with myself and the quitter was winning. The quitter kept saying "You're not so inspirational now, are you heavy breathing sweat-monster?"
I finished the workout Wednesday but fights in my head didn't end. Wednesday night turned in Thursday and Thursday to Friday and I was still fighting....and the fighting made excuses for not working out. Saturday I gave up. I told the quitter that I would give the week up, that I would eat the cheese and the salt and the blizzard that it was asking for since Wednesday but I would only do it so I could wake up on Sunday and the fight would be gone. I weighed in Sunday and saw the same numbers that were there at the beginning of the month and I was pleased. Pleased to erase the last two weeks and begin fresh.
It was Monday before I could workout again. The fight had knocked me around so badly that I was bruised, busted and without the motivation to get going but the day was sunny and warm and I wanted to hit the trail I would run for the 5k and see what would happen.
This wasn't my first fight but somehow it felt like the worst. Saturday when I ate that blizzard in defeat (but still enjoying it mind you) I wondering if I was really defeated or if maybe I did win the fight after all. At lunch today my friend and I talked about should-ing...the things we feel like we should do even if it isn't what is best or what we really want. When I was fighting with myself I was should-ing all over the place. I should eat healthy, I should exercise, I should keep with my program, I should wait until Sunday to splurge and blah blah blah blah blah. No. Saturday I finally said "Forget the shoulds and move the freak on!!" and ate my blizzard because I knew that eating it would satisfy the craving and let me move to the next step.
Should we always follow the shoulds? Sometimes we do the things we should and it makes us move more slowly to our goals because the shoulds keep us doing what is best for us. That's what I think and I for one am going to stop should-ing all over the place.
**thank you to Carrie Bradshaw for giving me my first insight into the shoulds.
This is a great reminder that so much of reaching our goals is psychological. They say that a big reason certain athletes succeed is due to mental toughness. So it's definitely good to recognize when you're giving yourself negative messages.
ReplyDeleteTwo of my "shoulds" are: I should exercise more, I should meditate more.