A Mix of Love and Fear

When I decided to start this blog again I didn't think about it. Well....that's a lie. It took me a month to think up a blog title and I started a couple blogs that I ditched because I decided later I couldn't say the name without being embarrassed.

What I didn't think about was how people would react. What I thought about was a co-workers comment that I should think of a creative way to go on the trip I have been mentally planning for almost a year now. That comment, along with a 4 hour drive alone, inspired the "Pledge for a Pound" idea. When I thought it up, I thought it was crazy, off the wall, a bit ballsy but maybe just crazy enough to be fun. More than the trip funding, I fell in love with the idea because it meant sharing with more people where I am at, asking to know that others support me in this and to have a list of names taped to my wall that I can look at and know that I am worth spending time on and others think so too.

So, I went for it and today I awoke to the reality of what I had done. As I was sitting in the airport before the sun had risen, I checked out facebook and saw multiple people had commented to my posting about the blog...all in love and support. When I opened my email I saw that someone had sent me a pledge form and it wasn't family. I cried. In the middle of the South Bend airport waiting area, tears started, from a feeling of absolute overwhelming from the love that was displayed so quickly. But those tears were also mixed with the fear of "what had I done?!?!" I had posted this for the world to see, for people to share, for me to share secrets I'd hidden under layers of fat for so long.

I struggled with this mix of love and fear through most of the day but this is what I decided. I decided that I am ready for this. For years I have been shutting myself out, holding people at arms length, letting people seeing only what I thought they would like because I was terrified they wouldn't really love me if they really knew me. Today I decided that was a load of bologne and I'm going to just get over it. Today person after person told me to go for it and one even said they'd read the book that Oprah will have me on her show for. :) (A secret dream of mine that is not so secret now.)

So, it took me a couple of years but I'm officially ready to have friends again.