Secret Sallie Behavior.

If there was a nanny-cam in my room it might see...

• Butt Grabbing. I like it see if it is getting firm and round because I am a tad bit panicky that it will be flat. Someone said to me a few weeks ago that they will miss my booty. I will miss it too if it gets flat so I channel J-Lo and Beyonce as I do one-footed bridges. If you're around after a good workout, you might get to feel it too.
  
• Belly Dancing. I know it's not really belly-dancing but I do like to pretend it is.
• Bicep Flexing. I really, really like to feel my biceps. Actually, you might not see me feel my biceps in the nanny-cam because sometimes I like to cross my arms to discretely feel my biceps. Great entertainment in a boring meeting, you should try it.
• Triceps Stretches. I really only stretch my arms so I can reach around and feel my shoulder blades. I think they will be cute.
• Clothes Flying. Trying on clothes that don't fit quite yet every night until they do fit is one of my favorite "time to go to bed" activities. It also explains why there are so many clothes on my bedroom floor all the time.
• Bed Dancing. Waking up is not waking up unless Ingrid Michaelson's "Be OK" is playing and I am squirming about in my bed. My arms often flail about during this dance.
• The Twist. Except done slowly, to fast music and often in the process of getting my pajamas on.
  

The Stuff I Miss.

I am now in the middle of week two of my three weeks away from home. I used to miss my bed while loving the cable TV and restaurant meals that I didn't pay for. Now I think I am officially on my way to dork-hood. The following is a list of things that I now miss when I'm away from home.

1. Sauteed Spinach at lunch...and anything else I want to cook for that matter.
2. Walking outside to go to the bathroom...It might be cold but it's fresh air.
3. The weight bench and weights in the basement...my arms are feeling weak and I really like feeling my biceps.
4. Carpeted floors...workout videos on a cement slab can be hard on the joints.
5. A full kitchen...although I'm getting creative at cooking dinner in a microwave (yes spinach can be cooked in a microwave) I miss the stovetop.
6. Scale...Yesterday I went and bought a scale to leave in Akron for when I travel here and today I was very happy. This scale is being added to the two 5lbs dumbells and yoga mat that will live here as a little traveling gym.
7. A Garden View...I didn't realize how seeing the garden and sky makes me so happy. Cubicles just don't cut it.
8. TV Viewing buddies...when you yell at the TV alone you just look like a loser.
9. The big blue ceramic mug...little tiny mugs just get empty too fast.
10. People yelling supportive words at my sweaty self on the treadmill while they are sitting on the couch...need I say more?

Those are the top 10 things I miss. If they make me a dork at least they make me happy too.

The Power of Belief.

One day I woke up and believed in myself.

Belief didn't come right away. When I started this journey a year ago, I had been traveling for over a year. I was on a flight from Atlanta to Akron and for the first time I had to ask for a seat belt extension. I sat in that flight ashamed that I could not fit in that seat and, knowing lent started in just a few days, I made the decision in that flight that I would change my life. When I made that decision what pushed me through the beginning of this journey was fear, not belief.

I remember being so fearful of what my life would be like if I didn't make a change. I feared failure. I feared I would let myself down again, give up again. I told others, for their support I said, but really so I would become terrified that I would let them down and push myself forward. It was the adrenaline of fear that kept me focused for a very long time.

And then one day, I woke up and there was belief.

What is the change that happens that lets belief come in? I don't know what changed, I could never tell you the moment when I believed in what I was telling myself I was going to do. I just told myself that I could do it often enough that one day I woke up and I believed I would succeed.

There are moments in a day when I become overwhelmed by the power of belief. Belief allows me to work out 3 or 4 times in a day off. Belief allows me to plan a trip that I shouldn't be able to afford. Belief gives me the freedom of living in a reality where success is an inevitability instead of failure a constant threat.

Fear can't live where belief does. I have often wondered why when I had lost so much weight in college I couldn't keep it off. Now I think it is because I lost all that weight through fear, not belief. Maybe success achieved through fear can never be sustained because living in fear is exhausting. When you live in fear, you eventually let yourself down and there is nothing within you powerful enough to pick you back up and move you forward again. It is the success achieved through belief that is sustained because it is the power of belief that can keep you going when you falter. Belief allows you to forgive yourself and forgiveness lets you always move forward.

I remember stories my mom told me about myself when I was little...that I would fall down hard, get up, brush myself off and take off running again. I don't know where that girl disappeared to but I think that part of me is back, all thanks to a little thing called belief.

Forgive and Move On.

Someone asked me recently how I'm doing this. I think she wanted to know if I was doing weight watchers, counting calories, doing a special workout. I told her "through forgiveness."

I thought of this during the past week. I'm on the road again, this time spending three full weeks in Akron, PA helping with and planning three trainings. (Two are done, YIPPEE!) I knew coming into the weeks that they would be difficult to balance training, preparation, socializing with co-workers and taking care of myself...and I was right.

Last night I got home exhausted after dinner and sat debating if I could excuse myself from a workout. Over the week too little sleep and too much stress had me exhausted but I hadn't worked out that day (or the one before, I confess). I sat there tired to the bone, feeling guilty for not exercising and I remembered that I'm successful because of forgiveness.

I am successful because I choose to...
Forgive myself when I can't be superwoman.
Forgive myself when I can't do everything in one day.
Forgive myself for being "good enough".
Forgive myself for making choices that I should have made another way.
Forgive myself for stressing instead of sleeping.
Forgive myself because I know I'll do it better next time.
Forgive myself because I know I'll do it right tomorrow.

I forgave myself last night for being tired. I went to bed early, woke up as late as possible, finished my work week, ate well and worked out. I did it right today.

the "Me" moments.

I was in the shower this morning and decided the world would be a better place if we all took more "me" moments. We put priority in work, friends, family, tv and other things and often things that we love, that make us us, get pushed aside. Months later, then, we think we haven't felt much like ourselves and it turns out it is because of that dusty "me" thing we shoved in the corner.

One of my "me" things is making cards. When I took the time to start making cards again this Christmas it was like I took too many happy pills. I started to feel like me again.

Maybe we should all encourage each other to look for our "me" things shoved and dusty in the corner, then encourage each other to start them again and help each other make the time to do the "me" things. I think we might all like each other more that way. I mean, I know I like me better when I've made a card.

A Mix of Love and Fear

When I decided to start this blog again I didn't think about it. Well....that's a lie. It took me a month to think up a blog title and I started a couple blogs that I ditched because I decided later I couldn't say the name without being embarrassed.

What I didn't think about was how people would react. What I thought about was a co-workers comment that I should think of a creative way to go on the trip I have been mentally planning for almost a year now. That comment, along with a 4 hour drive alone, inspired the "Pledge for a Pound" idea. When I thought it up, I thought it was crazy, off the wall, a bit ballsy but maybe just crazy enough to be fun. More than the trip funding, I fell in love with the idea because it meant sharing with more people where I am at, asking to know that others support me in this and to have a list of names taped to my wall that I can look at and know that I am worth spending time on and others think so too.

So, I went for it and today I awoke to the reality of what I had done. As I was sitting in the airport before the sun had risen, I checked out facebook and saw multiple people had commented to my posting about the blog...all in love and support. When I opened my email I saw that someone had sent me a pledge form and it wasn't family. I cried. In the middle of the South Bend airport waiting area, tears started, from a feeling of absolute overwhelming from the love that was displayed so quickly. But those tears were also mixed with the fear of "what had I done?!?!" I had posted this for the world to see, for people to share, for me to share secrets I'd hidden under layers of fat for so long.

I struggled with this mix of love and fear through most of the day but this is what I decided. I decided that I am ready for this. For years I have been shutting myself out, holding people at arms length, letting people seeing only what I thought they would like because I was terrified they wouldn't really love me if they really knew me. Today I decided that was a load of bologne and I'm going to just get over it. Today person after person told me to go for it and one even said they'd read the book that Oprah will have me on her show for. :) (A secret dream of mine that is not so secret now.)

So, it took me a couple of years but I'm officially ready to have friends again.

Dreams of Celebration.

I hope to lose these 100 pounds this year although I am realistic enough to know my life isn't "The Biggest Loser" (although some weeks I give them a run for their big fancy trainer money). Whenever I shed that last pound, however, I will be celebrating with the trip of a lifetime.

I will be taking my body, my confidence and my successfully skinny butt to a trifecta of beauty: Nepal, India and Bangladesh. (If I'm lucky my successfully skinny butt will also end up on a beach in Thailand.) I say it is a trip of a lifetime because I will never again in my life lose 50% of my body weight, I will only once feel the rush of excitement for the first time I do an activity that would never have been possible as the Sallie I once was. My trip will be more than a success of what I accomplished...it will be a trip to look forward to what can be.

A dream of mine is to have my own line of handmade paper cards, made from fair trade paper and of all the artisans I've learned about over the years, it is the artisans who create paper that I have wanted to visit. Traveling to India, Nepal, Bangladesh and Thailand will allow me to visit paper-making artisans, learning their stories and letting me dream of a future filled with paper.

Celebrating successes, dreaming of the future, embracing the day...that is my dream of a lifetime and it is only 100 pounds away.

Where I am today.

A year ago I began a trek to remove 140 pounds and at the end of 2008 celebrated 40 pounds lost.

What I have found so far is that my journey isn't simply about weight loss, it has been about understanding why I chose weight gain instead of living my life as I wanted. What I have lost in a year has profoundly changed my present, my future and my belief in what I can achieve. What I have lost is way more than 40 pounds, I have begun losing years of bottled up pain, frustration and other bad stuff that was buried deep below the surface....deep below the fat.

Today I'm staring to see my world is new. I sometimes feel like my nieces discovering their bellybuttons for the first time but instead I am discovering my cheekbones, my shoulder blade, my endurance, my biceps and so much more.

I invite you to join me on my journey. Read the blog, comment so I don't feel alone, track my weight loss numbers, rack up a few of your own...and maybe even let me know you support me so I have a list of names of people who I can think of when I feel like I can't go any farther.

And for those of you who want to help me reach my dreams you can Pledge for A Pound to help me realize the trip of a lifetime.

Tikal and other wonderful adventures.

I only have a few moments but wanted to say that Guatemala is wonderful. I hope you have been able to check the website...i haven´t seen it myself but i think information about our trip to Tikal was posted.

it was an amazing place, Tikal. More than I thought it would be. I pushed myself, walking more than 15 miles, not counting the five times we climbed temples, and ziplining through the rainforest...all after waking up at 4am!!

As I was climbing steps that were a little too unstable or as I was looking out from the highest pre-columbian structre in the world..I thought of you all. I dedicated steps to you to keep me going upwards. When I had made my way through a tough hike and up to the top of Tikal for sunrise I felt you there with me. I felt so proud of myself to have made it....the 20 plus pounds i´ve lost since February were critical in me getting up the temples and I just was so very proud and I knew you would have been proud of me too.

So thank you for joining me in Tikal. I can´t wait to tell you more about this wonderful trip, beautiful country, joyful people and the way it is motivating to keep striving for my best self.

Sallie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day or The Discarding of Indifference or A Day When I Cried but Then Went Walking

I kept thinking about this book today. I could never remember what the title really was but I did keep thinking "no good, very bad day!". Do you remember this book from elementary school? I forget how the book ends but all day I just wanted to curl up in bed, give up on the day and read this book.

Between the coworkers who were less than happy to help a girl out to the car in the shop that cost more than I wanted to pay and may not really be fixed to the unexpected HUGE doctors bill from 2007 that my funny health coverage may not reimburse because it is now 2008...the day was just stinky.

All day though, what I wanted to do (other than the above mention to bed and books) was to go for a long walk to clear my head and make me feel like everything would be alright. Funny how I thought a walk would do the trick...and how I really went for a walk! I think, ok know, my typical habits would have lead me to the freezer for ice cream, not the freezing sidewalks for a walk. As I was walking I wondered what had changed that made me want a walk and not a pint of Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch (it's made from Fair Trade coffee...I have to eat it. It's my way of saving the world!) The difference? There are so many but I what I decided to call it is a discarding of indifference.

I used to be so indifferent about so many things. My life was what it was and I was tired of trying to change it to make it any better. I know though, than my life is so much more than what I boxed it into and I know that I can change it for the better...I have the control to choose a different path. I get impatient at losing 0.2 pounds in a week but I have to remember that there are other things in my life that need to be changed that will take more time to alter than my weight. So I just keep keeping on, doing what I know will put me closer to my future, facing the things I have been avoiding in fear of being weak.

Here is what I think today. I think it takes a lot more strength to put on your tennis shoes, walk, face the world & your thoughts than it does to hide behind a pint of ice cream. Even if the ice cream does help to save the world. :)



PS. I heard that interval training can increase your metabolism so I even interspersed running into my outing...I soon realized that new shoes would be needed to make the impact of running comfortable so considering the car bill, doctors bill and my desire to buy things in Guatemala, I've decided to stick to some powerful walking. :)

Two Weeks...Too Long

I was reminded today it had been too long since I'd posted on the blog. I'd been thinking the same thing so for now I'll just catch you up on how my best self has been going.

Someone asked me the other week if I'd made it to church that Sunday. I was happy to report that I had, in fact, been to church. At that time it was the first two weeks of lent, now it's been five weeks and I've visited four different churches, one twice. Last week I visited a church just a few blocks away from where I am living and it is probably my favorite one so far. The other members were nice, it was smaller than Waterford but larger than most downtown churches and it had real pews! I didn't realize how much I associate pews to a real church but I seem to have a hard time feeling like I'm a legit church sitting on a metal folding chair.

I am planning on spending Palm Sunday at the church near my house but most of all I am looking forward to spending Easter in Goshen.

I'm still attending Weight Watchers. The last two weeks of weigh-ins have shed the smallest amount of weight so I'm at a total of 12.2 pounds lost. Although I get discouraged at low numbers I constantly tell myself that at least I lost and I remind myself to look at the short goals because if I think of what I need to lose overall...well, it will be a long road at 1 pound a week! Even when I think of that though, I have to remind myself that I am changing my life and if it takes a pound a week for the next 2 years, well...I'll still be in my 20's when I've shed the last one. :)

So, I stay focused on one week at a time. My goal this week is to match my first weeks weight loss and to reach my 10% loss before leaving for Guatemala. Last week I had a training here which had me eating out 3 meals a day. I didn't track my "points" on paper but tried to see what would happen if I ate healthy and counted "points" loosely in my head. Well...I didn't gain and I barely lost but I learned that if I need to coast for a week while traveling, I can do that.

The other thing about last week was that I stayed with the trainees at the MCC housing in Akron. One of the women was on WW as well so we were able to compare menu options but best of all, we took walks together in the evening. It is so much easier to leave the house on a walk when you are going with someone else!!! Also, I realized I just like walking in Akron because it is quiet and there aren't that many routes to take. :) It sort of reminded me of when I was at Hesston and I would walk with Heidi. The company was good but not nearly as wonderful as Heidi's, the similarity was mainly in the size of the town. So, I'm thinking that I will try to take my walking gear to work with me, change and walk before even getting in the car to come home. If I want to pull a big weight loss this week I'll need to walk more so don't be surprised if you get a call to keep me company while I'm getting in my couple miles.

I went for a manicure the other week because my nails have grown out significantly. Then last week they all broke. I didn't bite them though, I filed them and will let them grow again.

All in all, I am really proud of who I have been these last few weeks. I haven't been perfect (in fact last weekend I "fell of the wagon") but I haven't let my slip ups keep me from moving forward. I have two more weeks until Easter and I must say, I'm a little sad to see it come so soon. I am excited to go home and see my parents but I don't want lent to end and my best self journey be pushed aside. For now though, I'll just keep reminding myself to worry about one week at a time.

The Stated Obvious that I Ignored

I was told today that my pants were obviously too big.

That's all.

Weekly Weigh In

I overslept this morning and when I woke up at 9:40 my butt was out of bed like I was about to miss an airplane, not a weigh in!

But, after rushing around and falling down the icy stoop I made it to the weigh-in. As nervous as I was about what the scale would tell me, I had little to be worried about.

I lost 3.4 pounds this week! Even with the busy week I had, I managed to stay on track.

So these 3.4 pounds, added to last weeks earned me my first 10 pound award ribbon and it's pink!

I've lost a total of 10.8 pounds in two weeks. The weight loss means I have one less point to eat a day but I know I can do it.

I also will keep increasing my activity this week. I got a yoga video to do and I'm hoping the snow goes away so walking outside is a little more realistic. Tonight I'm going to meet my sister in Martinsburg, WV and the hotel we're staying in has a gym so I've got my workout clothes packed and will start this next week with a bang!

Whoo-hoo to a 10 pound total!

Stinky Snow

The Stinky Snow canceled my WW meeting and that bummed me out.

Work this week was busy with a three day training I led in Akron. That training meant that I ate my meals with the group. I made sure to count my points but I just don't know how the week will turn out. I'm nervous to step on the scale and so I was just wanting to get it over today and start a new, clean week.

I've been wondering this evening why I'm so nervous about stepping on the scale. Is it about letting myself down, letting others down? I decided that neither of those are right. I am proud of the decisions I made this week but I am nervous because I felt out of control this week. I worked 12+ hour days, felt stressed, ate food without nutrition labels... The training went really well and I was excited about it but exhausted from the effort it took to pull it off. I guess this week was the first week that tested if I can really lose weight during a typical week of work. And I think maybe I'm nervous because if I didn't lose any weight it means trying to balance work and health is going to be harder than it seemed the first few weeks of lent.

So tomorrow I'm going to attend the Saturday morning WW meeting...and the Stinky Snow better not make it get canceled again.

It Deserves a Post of Its Own!

My first weigh-in that is! I went to Weight Watchers tonight for my first weigh-in and in a day shy of a week I weighed in...

drum-roll please...

7.4 pounds lighter!!!!! WHOO-HOO!!

I did a little jig and some toe-touches and jumped up and down because I made myself proud. I made a decision and stuck to it and took a giant step to the life I deserve.

I was thinking tonight about why I am doing this. Beyond the Best Self thing...why have I decided living healthy is so important. And I think it is ironic it's Valentines day, a day I love and use to celebrate myself because today was the first day in a long time that I just felt absolute, unquestionable pride for myself. Yes for the 7.4 (7.4!!!) pounds but more for what it is a step towards.

This week I took a step towards running around, chasing my nieces without being short of breath. This week I took a step towards an airplane ride without worrying about the seatbelt being too short. This week I took a step towards hiking with my best friends. This week I took a step towards traveling the world alone. This week I took a step towards having children of my own. This week I took a step towards the incredible life God finds me deserving of.

So this next week I will work to take more steps...literally. This past week I focused on my eating but struggled with my movement. So between now and my next meeting I am going to focus on increasing my movement. So each day I will post what I've done. And I hope that because I won't want to tell you I've done nothing, it will motivate me to do something!

I set a goal to lose 20 pounds before I go to Guatemala...here's to 12.6 more!

My Weekend Firsts

So two firsts occurred this weekend...maybe three.

1. I went to a Mega-Church...the kind with big screens, valet parking and 7,000+ members.

2. I planned out my weeks meals, made a grocery list, clipped coupons and went shopping...and stuck to the list!

3. I went to Weight Watchers. Yeah, lets talk about that.

This past week at work Deb, a coworkers of mine, mentioned she was thinking of joining Weight Watchers. I had toyed with this idea because another coworker has been going but I didn't think attending WW with her would work out. Deb, on the other hand, is spunky, funny and full of life. We went to a meeting on Friday night, the first meeting for both of us.

I was skeptical of this whole WW thing...women getting together to weigh themselves and discuss all the food they eat? No thanks! But what I realized is that WW can be a community, a support system as you begin to make life changes, especially when someone you see each day is supporting you as well. The other thing I was surprised at is how much health is the focus of WW. Each person takes this little quiz that determines how many "points" they can eat each day. The quiz takes age, weight and activity into consideration. The "points" are determined not only by a foods calories and fat grams but also by their fiber...steering you away from empty calories.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that even though I didn't want to admit that I could use help in this, I know I do and I think this is a good first step to take.

I've gotten confirmation that I know how to eat well...what I'd been eating since Wednesday fit perfectly into my "points" allotment. I've also gotten motivated to see the results from the scale each week and get the different prizes the give out at meetings!! And I thought I might just meet a friend there too.

Lesson of the weekend...It's ok to ask for help. Support groups whether formed by friends, a therapist or Weight Watchers are good things.

Standing Up To Lonely

I wonder how loneliness happens. I mean, could I pinpoints the decisions in my life that put me in the path of loneliness or does loneliness happen no matter what paths you travel? Is it an unavoidable condition that we all encounter? Is it like the clouds that don't bring rain, just simply come to taunt you while covering your view of the sun?

The thing that ticks me off about loneliness is the way it holds you down. I can be feeling lonely, recognize that I'm lonely but still not shake it because the loneliness makes it hard to reach out.

Tonight when loneliness hit I knew I had to think about loneliness differently as my best self. What would I normally do when I'm lonely? I would crawl into bed, watch TV, avoid phone calls (yeah, I know it doesn't make sense to avoid friends when you are lonely for them) and eat. I would do all those things while denying the loneliness I was feeling.

So my best self had to come up with another course of action this evening when the lonely hit. Tonight when the lonely came I watched TV but only a show I always watch on Thursdays. While I watched that show I sat in my favorite chair under a beautiful throw, not my bed in my PJ's. When I wanted to find ice cream, I drank water.

Still, after all that, my show ended and I wanted to just crawl into bed. I tried to blog but didn't have anything to say and just as I was ready to cave under the lonely cloud I remembered my best self list. I read my list and started doing one small item at a time. I would start with something that took a minute to do like taking my multivitamin, then something that took five and soon after that I was knee deep in organizing craft supplies. I didn't feel inspired enough to create anything but I knew I just needed to distract my mind. For me, organizing is mental relaxation.

So here I am now, realizing that being my best self doesn't banish the lonely. What my best self does is identify the lonely, call it by its name, stare it in the eyes and take tiny steps until I kick it in its butt. In other words...my best self deals with it instead of cowering under it.

"Deal with it." Now that is part of my history that I can build my best life on.

The Best Self List

What would my best self would be? I originally was just going to write a sample list but that would mean I could not do some things so as silly as some of them are...here they are.

Each day my best self...
chooses not to bite my nails. enjoys being single. journals or blogs. reads a little bit of "Eat, Pray, Love". picks up my spaces. spends time being creative. spends time exercising before work. eats healthy food. follows a budget. parks in the furthest parking spot. stays positive. eats meals at real tables! keeps financial and food logs. gets to work by 8:30am. puts myself before work. finishes eating before 7:59pm. eats breakfast. flosses. washes my face...twice. takes a quick walk at lunch. takes my multivitamin. prays.

Each week my best self...
attends church. takes sunday off. calls at least one friend. calls at least one sister. goes out socially at least one night. balances my checkbook. works past dinner only one night. loses a few pounds. files my nails so i won't want to bite them. sleeps in until 10am on Saturday.

At the end of Lent my best self will have...
made and followed a budget. lost 15 pounds. filed my taxes. kept my car clean. finished my card portfolio. organized my life's paperwork.

I think it will take time to remember each thing my best self does everyday but I carry a list with me and I know what the biggest items are to focus on. I figure if I start with the big ones (exercise, healthy eating and a better budget) the smaller ones will fall in time. My main goal is to just keep focused and give myself the opportunity for success instead of talking myself into failure.

The Journey Begins

Lent begins today.

The last time I made a conscious decision to do something in observance of lent I began an amazing journey of self-discovery that lead to genuine happiness. I've been a little lost lately, or at least stumbling around in the dark confused, and I thought maybe taking the seven weeks of lent to focus might bring me back to my best self. So, this year for lent I'm going to be my best self.

On a daily basis I am overly-critical about myself in one way or another...
My hair is too frizzy.
My body is too big.
My nose is bumpy.
My feet are stinky. (ok, so that one is very true.)
But for as long as I can remember I have been this critical of myself. When I was little I would wrap my feet tight in tape to make them skinnier (my feet are really wide). I guess somewhere I read about foot binding and decided to try it.

So, I am left wondering, what would my best self be? I am going to be that self for the entirety of lent. I hope to create some habits and lose some others. Mostly though, I am doing it to spend some time focusing on myself, my life, my future and maybe, just maybe, I'll find the self-love that began to waiver in my 20's.

I spent hours last night trying to determine what my best self would be. It took eight pages to figure it out and I know I didn't think of everything. I thought of the physical, mental, spiritual, social, financial and global me. (If the word didn't end in "al" I decided it didn't fit.) From those 6 words I came up with a page of things to do daily, weekly and monthly to put me on the road to being my best self.

I tried to keep the list positive. Rather than thinking about giving up things I think of the things I'm gaining. The things I'm choosing to be part of my daily life. Along the way I'll probably think of more things (like choosing to file my nails rather than biting them). In order for an item to make it on the list it must push me towards my best self.

Although this blog is here for those of you whom I love most to read - it is really a blog for me. I've decided to do it as a way to remain connected, create a support network and to actually have to pause and think about how I spend my days. The blog creates an accountability and consciousness to my actions.

If you choose to join me as I journey through these next seven weeks know that this time is scary for me. I am about to give away my security blankets. I am moving on faith that if I give those tattered, torn blankets away that I'll gain a giant magic carpet to fly on. These weeks are also scary because it may mean letting go of secrets but I have realized secrets bring shame that I no longer wish to live in.

I look forward to walking out of a life clouded by shame and into a life lighted by loves amazing grace.