Kicking into Something New

In order to get something I've never had,
I must do something I've never done!

Today I went to the wellness studio downtown and joined my first kickboxing class.

Today I did something I've never done to reach so many things I've never had.

Another Pair of Eyes

Sometimes it's good to have another pair of eyes. Someone else to see you after along period of time to remind you that progress was made.

Tonight I had a lovely family dinner, the first time in at least a month that I've seen my family in Goshen. I was surprised that they reacted with such surprise at seeing me. I feel as no progress has been made in the past two weeks, they thought otherwise.

We are our often our harshest critic. I know I am my harshest critic and my inner critic has been looking at numbers more than anything else. Tonight I was reminded that a slow crawl to me, is an amazing transformation to others.

Tonight my uncle asked if I had to sum up the number 1 tip for how I've worked towards achieving my goal what would it be? I said it was telling someone. Telling people not only creates accountability but it makes you face the shame you feel. I felt shame when this started and I felt shame again when I started doubting I could finish, when it was taking longer than I wanted to reach the goal. But it never will fail...having a way to be open and honest, having people you can share your struggles with...takes the shame away. I think I've said it before but I was reminded again tonight. Shame can't 't exist when you're honest with people who care, because by being honest with people who care you find acceptance, encouragement and support.

An Act of Discipline.

I'm writing without inspiration and without words to write. But I am writing with the hopes that building the discipline of writing regularly, once again, will move me forward to finishing. I write hoping that disciple will bring focus which in turn will bring finishing.

I know that I have to stop doubting myself. To get the thoughts out of my head that have me wondering if this is where my journey will end, if I will stop here unable to finish. For the past few weeks I haven't visualized myself losing weight and reaching my goal. Instead, I've seen myself stalled, staying at this weight, failing to reach my goal and slowly gaining it back.

I know that what you visualize is what turns to reality so I know that in addition to discipline and focus, I have to regain my optimism, to once again visualize myself finishing this amazing journey.

I bought tickets to Nepal. I'll be leaving May 6. This is to be my celebratory trip, taken in May for a variety of reasons including the weather and my sister still living there. I'm having a hard time planning for the trip, however. It could be because of the busy work schedule I've had the last few weeks but I don't think it is. I think I realize this weekend that it is really because I am feeling so crappy about my progress to completing my goal that knowing I'm going on a trip to celebrate success well...I don't feel like I've earned it.

I know the stress of feeling like a failure makes the weight loss harder.
I know thinking of failing makes me fail.
I know visualizing the worst makes it harder to achieve what will be my reality.

I know these things. But my mind is still dragging me down and I need to figure out how to turn it back around and push me forward.

I leave for Nepal on May 6. I can take advantage of each day between now and then. I can convince myself that I will make forward progress so I can celebrate on that trip. I can reach my goal weight before I leave...and at worst case (thanks to lots of walking) while I'm there.

I need to write my pledger's and let them know where I am at in my journey and when my goal is to complete. The struggle though is doing so and fully believing it will happen.

Maybe that is my goal this week. Start working again towards discipline, finding focus to my goal, visualizing the positive and believing in myself again. Those four little things, and writing to my pledger's.

Plug, Plug, Plugging...Plugging Holes I'd Rather Ignore.

It's not fast or dramatic or ending at the end of March but I'm still plugging along. Where have I been, you may wonder? After I called to rally the troops I fell away, did you think I'd quit? I won't lie or pretend that I didn't doubt myself but I haven't quit.

Many of you wrote when I asked the troops to rally, all inspired me, one has become my mantra.

"Listen to your body and mind, do what you can today. That is what's gotten you this far."

I said it out loud one day. The thing that I'm not supposed to say but had been thinking, had in my mind weighing me down. "What if I just stop here? What if I just say it's good enough?"

I had to say it out loud because I knew what the answer was but by having it my mind, not admitting that I'd been thinking it for so long, was causing me to sabotage myself, keeping me from losing week after week. I was still doing the right things to lose weight but I was doing enough of the wrong things to make the weight loss slight and slow. I was sabotaging myself. There were no "geese" in my path, just my own giant shadow causing me wonder if I should keep going.

I guess I need to say it out loud to all of you too. I doubted myself...doubted my resolve to keep going. What I learned in the process is that I still have learning to do. I've come a long way in the last two years but I'm not done losing weight yet for a reason. There are still lessons to learn during these last 25 pounds and I have to be open to learning, reflecting, being honest with myself to finish this journey of loss so I can being my next journey. I also know that when I hit my last pound gone, the lessons will continue and as soon as I stop listening to what I have to say, what I am thinking and feeling, I will catch myself slipping into bad habits I've worked to reform.

The goal is not to"not slip", it is to catch myself faster each time I slide.

As well as plugging along, I've been plugging holes I'd rather ignore. What do I mean by that? You know those things you know you have to do but you don't want to do them? The things you try to ignore but they never leave your mind and nag, nag, nag at you? They are holes. The act of "ignoring" them causes them to become bigger than they are and they suck your energy so you can't fully invest in the things you really want to be doing and celebrating.

My holes have been things I haven't done but know I need to do to fill my spirit. I need to blog to stay centered. I need to be on my Tuesday night Mary Kay calls to stay connected and positive. I don't do them and I can tell I'm not doing them but at some point it becomes a big deal to do them again. It's like an airplane....it uses most of its fuel to take off and climb to cruising altitude. Once you're cruising high, there is little effort needed to maintain. The same is true for people. I can complain about my travel schedule, say the time on the road is making it hard to maintain balance and it is probably true to say it makes it hard....it is not true to say it's not possible.

Balance is possible as long as you make it a priority and sometimes that simply requires remembering that YOU are a priority.

I am remembering that and tonight I am making myself do the thing that seemed to get bigger and bigger each day...the first blog entry after a drought. The first is always the hardest but...

sometimes the only way to get started is to just get started.

I may not make April 4 but I will make 139.8 and that is the most important number of all. That and May 6...the day I leave for Nepal. But I'll leave that blog for tomorrow.

Rally the Troops.

I feel like I'm at an impasse. That I'm stuck between what I've accomplished and what I have left to do. I'm tired.

30 pounds, I still have to lose 30 pounds. It overwhelms me. There are times I feel like it's freezing me in place. How is it that losing 100 pounds was not overwhelming? That knowing I had to lose 140 pounds didn't cause me to freeze yet these 30 left feel impossible?

They feel impossible. I have little reserves. The inspiration I'm finding in myself is sticking for shorter periods of times. I'm close to the end but I feel like it's miles away. I've been sick for more than a month. I'm back to traveling for work. I don't remember how I found the energy to do this. I'm tired.

I started this blog to share my journey but also to have people to support me when things got tough or I got tired. It's time to admit I'm tired. It's time to rally the troops.

If we talk, ask me how I'm doing. How my last workout was.
If we are planning to get together, ask me to go walking instead of to coffee.
If you think of it, email me telling me that I can do it.
If I don't blog, bug me until I do.

However you can think of it, I can use your help. My well of inspirational reserves is drying up fast, not lasting more than a day at a time, sometimes less. I typically hesitate about asking for help. I tend to struggle by myself more than I lean on others. But those habits are what got me to 280 pounds and are not what will help me lose the last 30. A wise woman has shared that you have to let people join in the celebration as well as the struggles. So I've shared my successes with you and look forward to sharing the success at the end but I could use some help to get there.

Pen on Paper

I was catching up on Biggest Loser episodes (thank you IPOD) and was inspired to write page after page, topic after topic with pen to paper. There are numerous blog entries that have been inspired and will be coming up soon.

I spent the last three weeks of January on the road and although the first week ended well the last two weeks were uninspired at best, lazy at worst. After arriving home I was just overwhelmed with frustration. When am I ever going to finish this? How is it possible when I am on the road at least two weeks every month for the foreseeable future? I was discouraged. I tried to listen to others to get the encouragement I needed, family commenting on my appearance, my mom telling my aunts I rock, friends reading my blog and giving great feedback, but that internal spark wasn't lighting.

But today I wrote and found a little of the inspiration I thought I had lost. I guess I'm just always surprised to find what I remember when I take time to listen to myself. In writing or running, I listen to what I've been feeling and find the answers I need to get moving again.

The Big Scary I Don't Want To Say It Out Loud Goal.

gulp. I'm going say my goal out loud. gulp.

I have felt fear to say it out loud. I'm afraid I'll feel more pressure to finish aka feel more stress to finish aka feel more negative if I don't make it. The thing I remind myself, when the fear threatens to keep me from saying it, is that in the end, I will reach my goal. I will finish losing the weight. Period. Today I'm just going to say out loud a pretty ambitious goal for when I would like to have lost the last of it.

I will work to lose the last pound by the end of lent this year. That's April 4. Easter Sunday.

33 pounds. 12 Sundays. 6 weeks (at least) traveling.

I decided to change my life at the beginning of lent 2008 and think it's fitting to end it on Easter. It's not a goal I can reach coasting by...exercising as I wish instead of as I need, eating "treats" with regularity. It will be reached through discipline, determination and the belief I know have in myself. It will be reached because of the belief you have in me.

And if April 4 rolls around and 139.8 doesn't appear on the scale than I will step off knowing it will happen...just not that day. But between now and April 4 the only thing I will think is "Get It Done!"

Still Moving Along.

It's funny sometimes to feel like I'm not doing enough to lose weight and then I step on the scale and it's still moving down down down.

I realized today that maybe it doesn't feel like I'm doing much because I'm doing what is habit. People wonder how long it's taken me to lose the weight. I used to feel ashamed, in a way, to say it's been 23 months (or however long it had been at that point). Ashamed, because they might wonder what took so long. I've always known, though, that I'm taking the time I need to change. Change not just my weight, but my eating habits, my physical strength, my vision of my body and my thought processes. So today as I stood on the scale, feeling like I could have done more this week, I realized that I didn't need to do more because I did what was right.

This week's weigh-in? 173.5 pounds. That's 106.3 down and just 33.7 between me and my goal.

Bring in the New Year, Throw out the Clothes!

I've been anticipating the New Year for one main reason: PURGE!

With my mom ready to fold the clothes into piles, I attacked the closet and dresser to rid myself of more than 3 trash bags of clothing and have some fun snapping photos as we went.

The piles of fun!

We made sure to try on the bridesmaid's dress from Carrie's wedding in August.
Lots of space down there!

My "Gallo Girls" t-shirt from learning tour in Guatemala.
With pillow underneath...

Without pillow underneath!

My phys ed t-shirt from middle school. This DID NOT go in the purge pile!

And now for some fun before and afters...
The skirt I got for Alyssa's bridal shower in April.

My "skinny" jeans that I bought in April. My new skinny jeans are two sizes smaller.


A niece and I over the holidays for the last three years.


And an old picture I didn't know existed that just surface. I don't know the girl on the left but the girl on the right is looking forward to an amazing 2010. And the serious party she is going to throw herself when she gets to insert an "after" into the current slot.

Reading Material Galore

With my new computer, my blogging strike has ended. Reading material galore, just in time for your new year.

New Year, More of the New Me.

I made a mantra and goal board for 2009 and it was a marvelous year so I'm doing the same for 2010.

I share with you my mantra for 2010.

Feet to the pavement with eyes on my goals, this year I'll be running to reach so much more.
Reciepes, struggles, traveling the world, stories that into a book will be twirled.
Entering new decades and reaching old dreams, with more in my heart that I wish to achieve.
Debt, fat and worry won't be in my way as I celebrate 30 & let love in each day.

From the Corners of My Memory.

This little saying has been rolling around in my head the last few weeks

"It take a little courage and a little self-control, some grim determination if you want to reach your goal."

I couldn't remember the rest of the saying but I knew where it was from.

In high school I wasn't the best, fastest, tallest player on the basketball team. I was the 6th player on a 6-player team. It was a team that won sectionals, a championship game I didn't play in but did my best to be a part of. Knowing my place on the team wasn't to be a star on the court, I did my best to encourage the team on the way to games and that little phrase rolling around in my head was from one of the sayings I would post in the bus.

One of the things I know about myself I learned through that basketball team. I have the power to choose my place on a team. You can be discouraged by being 6th, or you can make an impact in that role. I also learned that I have the ability to encourage others. I know that through this journey I have been motivated by the thought of encouraging and inspiring others.

After weeks of the phrase rolling around I finally looked up the rest of it. I think it is a saying that will come back for the next few months to take me from celebrating 100 pounds to 140.

"It takes a little courage, and a little self-control. And some grim determination, If you want to reach the goal. It takes a deal of striving, and a firm and stern-set chin. No matter what the battle, If you really want to win. There's no easy path to glory, There's no rosy road to fame. Life, however we may view it, Is no simple parlor game; But it's prizes call for fighting, For endurance and for grit; For a rugged disposition and a don't know when to quit."--Anonymous

The 100th Pound

If you haven't seen the new thermometer, you should take a look.

Amazing milestone achieved as I've lost my 100th pound! Only 40 pounds remain between me and my goal. But for a moment I will breath this success in, let you celebrate with me and go buy myself a computer!

That's right. I've decided to reward myself by taking some savings I have accumulated, even as I've paid down my debt, and buy myself a laptop. The last time I had a laptop was in 2006 which was stolen from my apartment.

A computer's a big reward but this was a huge milestone. As the blog became more important to me, and with the dream of a book and cookbook, not having a computer was becoming more frustrating. So here I am...catching you up on my life over the last few weeks as I leave 2009 sixty pounds lighter than I entered it and 100 pounds lighter than I entered 2008.

Now that's something to celebrate!

The Birthday after the Run.

Even though it felt like my birthday could have been over after the half-marathon there were still more festivities to be had.

After lots of photo taking...

Even though I still couldn't get my arm back in my shirt because it was wet...

and even including some in my birthday hat and handcrafted headband.

We cleaned up for brunch at our favorite place "The Dish". Alyssa posed us with our medals and coffee.

After lots of icing...I mean "peas and corning", my knees & watching mindless TV it was time to get into our party outfits for dinner.

In addition to the party dresses, we were excited about the wine. Heidi and I had not had wine while training.

Dinner in, made by chef Bill.

Even the guys dress up!

Cupcakes for dessert. Red Velvet!

I was very excited about my Red Velvet!

And after Dinner we posed for pictures. Of course. We looked hot. Why would we miss a photo op?

A good golden the birthday? I went to bed that night knowing it was the best. Amazing acheivements celebrated with amazing friends...and a pretty amazing cupcake too.

Pre-Run Pics

Seattle wasn't all about running. It was also birthday, Thanksgiving, concert, girl time. Here are a few photos of the pre-run fun.

From our first training run together...a rainy 10 miles. Alyssa met us at mile 5. She said it was good she didn't bring a camera because we looked like drowned rats. We decided she needing lessons on being a cheerleader. :)

I fell.

Heidi wore a camel pack which was good when my water bottle got covered in mud. She was nice enough to share. See her run? It doesn't even jiggle (the water in the pack, that is)

My feet. Dirty.

I liked cooking for my friends this time. I don't know what I was making but I think they liked it and I looked like I had fun making it.

We went to my first concert ever, Swell Season. I never had heard of the band either but I knew one of their songs and loved it. Here is a cute pic of us...after taking 10 photos, all with the forbidden flash. oops.

The Birthday Run.

It takes a lot to get from before to after. gu, water, gatorade and mental stamina. all that and a perfectly timed playlist, along with a great race buddy.

How was the race? People ask and I say 'great' because I finished and I felt great to finish.

Ask me, how was the race, and here are some of the things I remember.

Hoping the port-a-potty line would move faster so we could start the race on time.

Having to "jump" over a gate to start the race. Apparently we should have started farther back.

The wall of people running up the hill in downtown Seattle. I wished for a camera when I saw that wall of bodies on the street.

Running the first 5k in under 10 minute miles. Over 6 minutes faster than I ran my first race in April.

Feeling the blister on my baby toe at mile 3 (and every step thereafter).

Yelling "It's my birthday" to random cheering people.

Hearing Heidi yell "It's her birthday" to random cheering people.

Bossing Heidi through a various obvious turn and her making fun of me.

Saying how perfect our playlist was over and over and over.

Pulling off one arm of my top layer.

Passing walkers up a hill.

Getting passed by the walkers as they started to run down the hill

Cussing at the lady who ran around me only to stop and walk RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! at like mile 12! grrr.

"You Own Today!" being the best cheer someone yelled while we ran past

The water stops where you just felt so important as people cheered and catered to you

Trying to keep an eye on Heidi as she ran easily up the hills.

Telling myself I was going as fast as I physically could and that was all I needed to worry about.

Holding back tears as I hurt.

Chanting positive thoughts to myself as all the angry ones were yelling.

Pulling off the second arm of my top layer.

Thinking my shoes were DONE. Replacements needed.

Being disappointed that I couldn't laugh with Heidi at the funny song because I just hurt mentally and physically too much at mile 11/12 or somewhere in there.

Finishing the last hill, knowing it was just a sprint from there.

Hearing Bill at the beginning of the chute cheering us on.

Watching Heidi finish just before me, cheering her on in my head as I ran.

Frantically looking for Heidi after I crossed the finish line.

Falling into Heidi's arms for a giant hug, choking back tears in amazement that we did this.

and we did it faster than I had hoped. Ending time for me?

2:34:06

I had hoped for less than 2:45 which was a 12:45 minute mile. My actual time had me at a 11:45 minute mile...faster than I had ever run in my individual training runs.

A great run. A great partner. A great birthday. A great year ahead.

Begin with a Bang

The bang of a starting gun that is.


Ok, so really the morning began with my body waking me up, without the alarm sounding, thanks to the anticipation of the big race. 4:30am. Happy Birthday to me.

Last night ended with me being teary-eyed. This is a big deal. I'm turning 29 on the 29th, in Seattle by running 13.1 miles...after starting 28 without being able to run one mile.

This is the year I finish losing weight. Finish paying off debt. Finish a full marathon.

PAUSE. Breath. First I have to run today.

We start with breakfast. I practiced this breakfast last week. I make this breakfast perfectly every time.
Except for this morning. New oats...they overflowed. oops.

After an early morning phone call from my family wishing me happy birthday and good race, along with a few ecards, I was left teary again. At this rate I'll never make it through the race but I think maybe I'm just getting it out of my system.

At about 6am Alyssa and I picked up Heidi to get dropped off at the starting line. We'd see Alyssa again after we'd finished 13.1 miles.

heidi gets in the car. I'm too excited to hold the camera steady.

The honing device on my ankle. AKA: Timing Chip.

In my headband made for me by my niece Adria.

Preperation is Key.

"You will be fine! You have trained for this and you will finish!"

Alyssa yells at Heidi and I from the kitchen. That dose of reality is helpful when you begin to talk about what happens if you can't finish.

This week has been tough...more accurately, walking has been tough. My leg has been bothering me, more than I've let on to anyone. I keep thinking that if I tell myself I am fine, the pain will stop but the advil I keep taking makes me realize that isn't the truth.

One race. 13.1 miles. That is all my leg needs to make it through...the part that worries me the most is if my mind can make it through 13.1 miles of pain in my leg.

Training for this run is not just a physical preparation, it is mental as well. You can see the mental changes in the way I eat, lace my shoes in anticipation of an afternoon run, my excitement in new workout gear. I can feel the mental changes as I use one of my new techniques to think not about my legs or blisters or knee but to think about my strength and endurance.

I know I'm prepared but there is one more thing I can do. It is the night before the race and Heidi and I have just finished our half-marathon run play list. Heidi was on itunes while I viewed the race map. At the end of our effort was a perfect playlist timed to be fast on the hills, silly when we'll be tired and keeping pace for some good timed miles.

My Biggest Loser Inspiration.

It is two weeks before the half-marathon...

Rebecca just got kicked off the Biggest Loser.

I like Rebecca. She seemed a little sassy, a little stylish, a little something I could relate to. She started on the Biggest Loser the same weight I was when I began this journey.

In the "where are they now" segment they played after she got kicked off she was running a half-marathon. She started and finished her half-marathon weighing the same weight I am for my half-marathon.

Her goal weight is my goal weight. (and having seen the finale she made it and looked hot.)

Rebecca is my Biggest Loser inspiration. Her journey is different from my journey but our milestones are similar and she reminds me to hold strong to the fact that it will happen.

139.8 will soon happen. In the meantime I can look at Rebecca at my goal weight and be pretty excited to get there.

Finisher.

Two weeks before the run and it feels like all tears all the time. Whether it was the stress of a busy work week, the preperation to leave for Seattle, the realization that my mother can't watch me cross the finish line (she so graciously suggested) something cause tears to be ready to fall at a moments notice.

I know there is one thing that is making me overwhelmed with emotion. I am going to finish this.

For so long I haven't considered myself a finisher. I start things, have great intentions and never follow it all the way through to the end with the same passion that I started it with. The example that follows me through this journey to lose weight is from when I lost weight in college - I was 15 pounds from my goal and I didn't finish it out.

"I am going to finish this."

This journey is more than losing weight, it is losing the baggage of past failures, of all the disappointments from the girl I thought I was. I lose a pound, I run another mile and I see the woman I am becoming.

I am beginning to believe she is a finisher.