The Half Marathon

"I've decided to run the half-marathon and you should run a half-marathon with me." says my best friend as we talk while I drive from Cleveland to Goshen. I had been in a work-out lull for a few weeks, I was getting back on track, needing a goal to work towards and the race was in Seattle on my 29th birthday. I said yes. I said yes to running a half-marathon in Seattle, on my birthday, 11 weeks from the day we made the decision.

Two days ago I ran 5.6 miles in 45degree drizzly rain, the perfect training run for Seattle really. I had given myself permission to put off my run until the next day thanks to the cold, the wet and the dark but just as my little devil said I could postpone, the angel put on my tennis shoes and hit the road for one of my best runs yet.

The map of the marathon is on my desktop, I'm memorizing the route, memorizing the inclines, declines and water stops. When I run, I visualize the route I'll be running in a few weeks, visualize myself saying goodbye to fear and hello to the finish line.

I'm now on week number of 5 of a 12 week training plan. The first week of training the longest run was 4 miles and already I'm running 4 miles on a routine day. I buy Runner's World magazine, I pour over them whenever I can and when people ask "Are you a runner?" I proudly say "Yes. I am."

I will be starting my 29th year by finishing a half-marathon. I will finish my 29th year by completing a marathon. I think 29 will rock.

Single Serving

I have a great idea for a cookbook. Well, at least I think it is a great idea.

One of the hardest things about eating well is learning how to cook for one. When you use recipes, they serve 4 or more. Well, silly healthy cookbooks, when you are overweight you aren't very good with portion control and if you cook a meal for four and you are only one, it is likely you will eat more than you should.

There are only so many times you can eat the same leftovers. Cooking and freezing ahead is a great option but the idea of cooking and freezing isn't appealing to everyone. So, how do you cook for one when the grocery stores and cookbooks are built to cook for four? That is the cookbook I want to write.

When I am home my favorite time of day is lunch, when I can scrounge through the pantry, freezer and fresh foods to make a meal just for myself. I will start to write some of these recipes down and work towards creating a cookbook written just for one. So, maybe if you are lucky, I will begin a weekly sharing of my recipes written just for one...fresh, fast and fabulous single servings.

Fall Focus

Summer's slip has turned like the weather into a Fall of focus. Labor day weekend I went to Grand Marais and had a chance to take a deep breath of Lake Superior air. It was weekend that tipped summer to fall...from a season of slip to focus.

After a beautiful still day on the beach, a book read from cover to cover, I was inspired to lace up my running shoes for the first time in weeks. Shoes laced, I hit the road out of town, not knowing where it would take me. As I ran out of town, I realized how bored I'd become with my workouts. The same routines, the same trail, the same ole' same ole'. Running out of town, I embraced to freedom of the unknown road and breathed in the possibilities before me. Possibilities...it is one of the things I find peace in. I have always known I enjoy beaches where you can't see land on the other side and now I know I love running roads when you don't know what you might encounter. You might even find your name carved into rock on the beautiful lake shore.

Possibilities.

Isn't that part of what this whole journey is about? When I started this, I knew that I was unhappy, felt like I had no options. Losing weight might not be easy but the possibilities before me are worth it. Oh, and so am I.

The Summer Slip.

June and July rocked. I was working out 6 days a week with butt-kicking workout videos from Jillian Michaels. I was getting all kinds of muscles and even some abdominal muscles. The weight loss was slow but the workouts were awesome. Then came the summer slip...summer came and the focus slipped away.

Last year the summer slip led to a 15 pound gain and only ended after a major bout of food poisoning kick started 5 of 15 back off. This year the summer slip was not nearly as severe. I managed to only gain a few pounds and they were back off in a week.

Beating myself up over the slip would have been easy but wouldn't have done any good. Summer comes each year, each year I'll slip at least a little bit. It isn't realistic to expect never to slip but it is realistic to expect that the slips will get shorter and the bounce back will take less time. So that is what I did during my summer slip. I forgave myself and kept stepping on the scale.

I must admit though....I do miss the mega muscles and the day I realized they weren't as big was the day my slip stopped.

The Tattoo.

My mother may not want to read this one... :)

I've been thinking of the perfect tattoo. I've been thinking of this for a while - sketching designs, trying to determine what about this journey I would want forever inked onto my skin since the tattoo would come only after losing half of myself. True, there are still many pounds to shed before I can commemorate with ink but I figure if I would live with this tattoo for the rest of my life it wouldn't be a bad idea to sit with the idea of the tattoo for a while to make sure I'd want it forever.

The other day at work I saw a piece of wall art and knew immediately that was it...that it was my tattoo. The tattoo is inspired by a cut metal piece from Haiti, the country that has inspired me in my work for so many years. Beyond work, these artisans have inspired me personally. These are artisans who take what others discard, imagine what could be, create art and put hope that each piece will bring them a better future.

"Earth Mother" they call her, this women with stem and leaves forming her shape like she is grown from the earth. This woman is rooted, yet flexible like the branches of the tree. Her hips are rounded like a heart, arms spread wide open to the possibilities, welcoming life. In her hand I will add a bird, a symbol of fears that I held onto for so long allowing them to hold me back. This bird, though, will be poised for flight, the fear being released allowing other things to come into grasp. And at the base of this woman a word signed where the artist would sign it, a single word that summarizes this journey of forgiveness, self, strength, hope and future...the one word yet to be determined.

Since this sculpture inspired the tattoo I can feel it on my skin, imagining where it will be. I visualize it, know what it represents and I begin to draw motivation to continue this journey one pound, one day and one choice at a time.

And frankly, I'm just so excited about the tattoo right now that if losing weight faster means getting it sooner...that could be some good motivation.

The Last Day of 2's

Today is the last day my weight will begin with a 2.

I weighed in today at 200.6, less than a pound from the 80 pounds lost mark. I could have been disappointed to not be in 199's, not to have made the 80 pounds this week but I'm surprisingly not.

Today is a day to celebrate, to remember, to carve in my memory as a day never to experience again. Today is the last day my weight will begin with a 2. Today is the last day I will type 200 into the treadmill when it asks for my weight. Today is the day I say good-bye to set of numbers I have lived in since 2004. Today is the last time you will see the thermometer read more than 60 pounds to lose because the next weigh in will throw me over the 80 pound lost mark.

Today is a day to say good-bye and be happy about it.

Dream.

I enjoyed singing along to a wonderful playlist as I walked the beach in the evening and as I thought about my book..my past and future...this playlist began to turn into soundtrack of my life.

If I were to have a movie made, this is the song that would play at either the beginning, end or some great climax in between. It might just be my new theme song.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

"Dream" by Priscilla Ahn

Taking All Titles

As I walked on the beach thinking of my book. I began to think of book titles.

I didn't think of anything good but enjoyed the process. This morning, I found an email and its sender had spent their morning walk thinking of book titles (not knowing I'd done the same thing last evening).

So, now I'm taking all title suggestions for the book I'm going to write about the journey of the last 74.4 pounds and the 65.6 left to lose.

The Wonder of Water.

Some people go to the mountains, some to the trails but I go to the water to find peace. The moment I see the water in front of me, smell it in the air, hear the waves lap the shore I can take a breath, big and deep, and feel...well, I just feel right.

Three weeks in a row I'm traveling for work and rather than endure airplane after airplane, I'm driving from location to location in the south and spending my weekends near the water. This weekend I enjoyed Hilton Head Island. Beautiful temperatures, warm water, cool breezes...the perfect two days at the beach.

My days looked like this:
9:00am Wake up in comfortable bed and linger
9:45am Eat yogurt in comfortable bed and sigh
10:30am Get out of bed and prepare for beach
11:00am - 6:00pm Beach, read, apply sunscreen, eat picnic lunch, kayak or workout, sit on deck when I might start to burn.
6:30pm Order room service and Shower
8:00pm Begin long walk on the beach with IPOD.
9:30pm stand in dark night looking into ocean, listen to favorite song and just be happy

My favorite thing, besides the kayaking, may have been my nightly walks on the beach. Walking among the families and couples, it really just felt like me and my ipod and my thoughts which lead to 2 great epiphanies.

Epiphany One:
Maybe this is what I am supposed to do, I thought. Travel to world alone, exploring, enjoying and writing. I've always wanted to set roots...buy a house, have a career but maybe, that is not what I need. I was reminded by a women last week that not everyone could do what I do. Travel alone, eat alone, navigate unknown roads and airports and cities without fear, with confidence. I love it though. I love to travel alone...especially when there is water.

As I walked the beach I thought that maybe the roots I wanted to plant are already growing deep, with my friends and my family, and I don't have to own a home to have them. And that I think I would be happy without a home of my own if the world could be my home, my adventure. To do this, I need to write a book. I'm sure there are other ways I could figure how to travel but when I travel alone, I write. I walk the beach and write in my mind and I think it could be a good book. So, I'll get on writing the first book...the book about this journey and then I'll take on the world and be ok if that means not owning a home of my own.

Epiphany Two:
I'm happy being single. I think I've tried to be ok with this for a long time, said I was ok with it, happier with only myself to tend to. This weekend I believed it. I walked the beach, among the families and couples and felt no envy, no jealousy. I thought nothing about them...just about me, traveling the world and loving it.

Missed Celebration.

While I was away from center, I missed celebrating a big accomplishment with you (and myself).

I now have lost more weight than I have left to lose....I have passed the 70 pounds lost mark and have 66 have to lose.

It still surprises me when I think about it.

Coming Back to Center.

I've been away...not away from my computer, but away from a place of inspiration. I've been muddling by, getting in good sweaty workouts (sometimes), eating well (most weeks) and maintaining my weight. I've been off focus and frustrated. I've been discouraged. I've been disappointed. I've been uninspired.

I would think to myself, "You need to blog."
I would answer myself, "What the heck do I have to say?"

I met with a friend last week who had not seen me in months and was shocked by the small sight of me. I had a hard time sharing in her delight because by now I feel I have looked this way for 3 months and I'm sick of it, ready to move on. I confessed to her how discouraged I was. She asked if I'd blogged recently and as I told her I hadn't. I added that I knew that was part of the problem, that by not blogging I didn't have the release of thought, the conciousness that it took to keep me sharply focused and aware of myself.

She challenged me that my not blogging was more than that. In my blogging you get to share in my success, my milestones, my revelations and sometimes in my tears. You could celebrate with me in those times but now when I'm discouraged and uninspired, I turn away from writing, from my friends, family and cheerleaders...all when I am in the most need of YOUR inspiration!

She did a good job of putting my head back on (as she always does) and last week I managed to whiddle off some more weight...maybe it was the weight of frustration that I had been carrying for so long.

I feel to be back on the right path I have on more thing to say. I'm sorry. You all have been a wonderful support. I thought of you by name when I was discouraged and frustrated but I didn't come to you and say "I'm discourages, I'm frustrated, please inspire me." You could have, I know but I didn't come here. Next time, because there is enough weight left to lose there will be a next time, I will.

Energy with an edge of Little Nagging Lonely.

Last night I finished work and was filled with an amazing amount of energy. I was feeling happy and fit, full of vitamin D, healthy foods and hardy workouts.

Today that feeling continues...a feeling that has come and gone in the past but seems to be coming and staying much more often now. And I've been trying to decide what this energy is coming from...yes the vitamin D and endorphins are helping but it must be more than that.

I am focused. I see the halfway mark right in front of me and I know I will reach it this week. Maybe it is because of that focus, that confidence, the accomplishment I am anticipating for reaching such a big milestone that is making me feel so......powerful.

Wound up, full of energy, confident that anything I want can be mine. I feel so ridiculously happy and am not fearful that happiness will go away! I now know I made this happiness for myself. It might be karma finally coming around to my side but I think I am ready to go reach for things I used to complain never came my way.

Last night when I was full of this energy I was also alone, the house empty for the evening, free to do what I wished. As I was running and lifting and cooking the energy sat there under the surface with this little nagging of lonely eating at the corners. It's annoying this little nagging lonely but I am choosing to accept it. This lonely isn't the same kind of lonely I used to have when I was alone, depressed, unhappy. This little nagging lonely is the edge of the energy that wishes I had someone to enjoy all this happiness with. To go putt-putt golfing, on a long bike ride, for a scoop of ice cream or enjoy a home-cooked meal made with fresh herbs I have yet to kill, someone to run while I am running or lift weights beside.

So, I'm enjoying the energy, the happiness and have determined that I will just have to accept that little nagging lonely that sits at the edge. Afterall, it's not a bad lonely. It is the kind of lonely that let's me know I am ready for what else is to come. It is the kind of lonely that gives me the confidence to give my number to a boy and be ok with the fact he hasn't called. If I gave it once, I'm sure there will be another boy, another time and the fear of giving my number...gone.

The Goal Box.

Today I was thinking about my little goal box. The goal box is one I got when I was in elementary school and I decided that I would use it to keep goals and dreams in. At night before bed I would be in the bottom bunk bed, pulling out my tiny paper and pencil dreaming of who I wanted to be.

Most the goals are still in the box...very few of them have happened.

I wanted to have 2 kids by the time I was 30....ain't gonna happen (thank goodness!)
I wanted to be married by 24....did I think that was old?? Maybe I'll shoot for 44?
I wanted to be a professional singer...I guess I've always set lofty goals.

I'm reading these thinking, dang, I was a good goal setter. I wrote dates and years for each thing to be accomplished!!

So, if I was putting goals in my little goal box today, what would they be?

I want to be 139.8 pounds by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to complete a triathlon sprint by June 30, 2010.
I want to run a marathon by November 29, 2010, age 30.
I want to open my own business.
I want to surround myself with people who love me...husband or no.
I want to offer grace rather than judgment, for myself and others.
I want to not kill the herb garden this summer.
I want to consider what I want alongside what I think is expected.
I want to balance the cynical and the romantic.
I want to have long nails.
I want to experience the thrill of a workout.
I want to the mother who runs pushing the fancy 3-wheeled stroller.
I want to remember it's ok not to be a mother.
I want to remember I can write my own rules for most things.
I want to not have bad debt ever again.
I want to always remember why I became 279.8 pounds.
I want to never forget what I learned by losing half of it.

Maybe they don't all have dates but maybe some things we should always strive for.

Oprah.

When I was little I had this little box I would put goals into. I'd write them down, put a time frame on them and tuck them away. Most of them I still have, some I threw out when I was old and cynical enough to realize they wouldn't come true (aka: high school). One of them was to be on Oprah.

Lucky me. Oprah is looking for people to have to lose over 100 pounds. Well...I have lost about 65pounds and still have about 75 pounds to lose which makes more than 100 pounds. So I think I should be on Oprah.

Do you think I should be on Oprah? You are reading my blog so you must think there is something interesting about me so help a girl out and tell Oprah I should be on her show. I promise not to disappoint AND! it could help me get a book deal (for those of you who have told me I should write a book.)

Write to Oprah For Sallie Here!!

Write. Please. Pretty Pretty Please with 100 Pounds on Top.

Road Blocks.

I'm scared of birds. Yes, I know, most people think I am fearless and I'm sorry to have confess otherwise. It's 6th grade's fault though, when they made us watch the movie "The Birds" and wouldn't let me sit in the hallway even when I found it scary. In Seattle I would cross the street to avoid pigeons, when a bird flew into the store I locked myself in the office even though I was in charge...I wouldn't even hang a bird kite with scary talons.

Today I finished a 4 mile run and decided to cap it off with a mile long cool down. When I was about a quarter of the way into the cool down I noticed a flock of geese in the water and one that had wondered onto the path. I thought maybe a half mile would be plenty for a cool down and that I should turn right around and go back to the car. I started to feel a little panicky about that mean looking goose dive bombing me and poking my eyes out.

As the panic set in I reminded myself I'm no longer a quitter. I don't turn and run when things get hard anymore. So with much care, I stepped around the bird, avoiding all eye contact and proceeded on my walk...well, maybe with a bit more vigor in my step until I was a safe distance away from that mean looking goose. As I turned around at the half mile mark I noticed ahead that the one goose had become two and as I approached the two became three and then four and more and more.

I took in my surroundings. There were no bikes in sight to scare the geese away. No other runners were approaching to clear the path. The geese were between me and the bridge so I couldn't cross across the mill race. Could I swim across?? The water was high enough, it wasn't the far but maybe the disease from the mill race would be worse than the attack of the geese. As anxiety crept in I had to make a decision. I could let these geese run me off my path, stop me in my tracks and send me running backwards. I could also step carefully to the side, proceed with caution for a while and then run like crazy to get a safe distance away from the mean birds but still headed to my goal.

As I took deep breaths, preparing myself to approach the geese, I decided to make these geese into a metaphor...if they were a metaphor I could handle walking past them a little easier. So, the geese. On any path there are roadblocks. In my journey there are the people who aren't supportive, who try to sabotage. There is the Chief, open for the season inviting me in. There are boys who flirt and get me thinking about dating more than I think about working out enough to reach my weight-loss goals (but really, flirting is so much more fun!!). There are the restaurant menus I look at when traveling for work, filled with yummy unhealthy options. Then, there is me, I know I stand in my own way at times even though that physically isn't possible...this is a metaphor after all.

So, I walked past the geese. They didn't bother me, they didn't sqwack (what noise do geese make?), they didn't flap their wings, they had no clue I was trying to pass and they were in my way. The roadblocks don't know they're blocking my path either. When friends ask to go out to lunch and I don't counter the unhealthy reastuarant for one with healthier options...they don't know they are on my path and I haven't told them. The Chief won't change it's location but I could change the path I drive. And as for that boy...well I guess I could say please call so I can stop thinking about the fact you haven't called...but maybe the metaphor doesn't work so well there.

The moral of the geese?

Things get in the way. They don't know they're in the way. Tell them they are in the way and ask them to move. If they can't move, move yourself...just keep moving forward. Always. Move Forward. Oh, and respect the geese.

Progress.

Today I looked down and my stomach did not stick out farther than my chest. It's about time.

Now go read the fun and flirty post. It's my favorite!

Patience in a Pound Plateau.

Oh Pound Plateau. For four weeks the plateau had lingered inviting doubt to come and join it.

It is hard to stay motivated when the needle doesn't move. It is during the plateau when the backwards slide can happen so easily. It can be frustrating to not see progress for weeks at a time. You feel like you're running but not going anywhere and it grows tiring to continue with excitement.

In the midst of my plateau I began to notice other things that were happening in my life. They didn't change the scale but when I started to notice these things, I stopped feeling as frustrated with the stubborn scale.

My nails grew. I got to enjoy my cute new clothes from Seattle. I got to feel like a size 18 and even cuter in the size 16. I took a week off from running and could still run when I went at it again. A boy flirted with me! I ate well and felt assured I had made a real change in my habits. Did I say my nails grew?

Maybe plateaus are a smart thing...maybe our body is telling us to stop and smell the roses.

Or....stop, feel your muscles, buy cute clothes, believe you are where you are and then celebrate.
Or...maybe it is a way of forcing balance. Focusing on losing the weight is important but so is getting healthy after a cold, stopping nail biting, having lunch with friends and if all you think about is the weight loss when it is over you will wonder what you do with your life now.
Or...maybe plateaus are a way to prove that you have made changes. If you begin to fear that you won't be able to finish, that you will slip back to old habits and a plateau hits, making it through might be the proof you need to believe in yourself.

I probably would not include patience on a list of traits I carry but I am learning that is not true. I have been patient in working through the plateaus, believing that the next step is being made even when it is a long long one. And while I'm taking that long stride I have time to enjoy the beautiful scenery around me. Then one day, the needle moves, moves fast and I celebrate my patience, determination and go run 4 miles.

Fun and Flirty.

Remember the story I shared last week? The one about a boy who was *trying* to flirt with me and I told him he was crazy and that the hot girl was on his other side?

I have decided it was a good thing I shared that story because otherwise when a boy flirted with me this week and then told me "You look great" I might not have been able to say "thank you" and let him flirt.

Yeah...It was pretty fun.

A Bunch of Ends.

Today I cried during The Biggest Loser as the final four contestant finished a marathon. There was a time when I had wanted to run a marathon. After finishing the 5k and training for another, faster one at the end of May I have again been thinking about marathons and now triathlons too.

As I thought about the marathon I began thinking about ends...all the ends that I'm trying to find.

The end of debt.
The end of sadness.
The end of pain.
The end of fat.
The end of self doubt.
The end of fear.
The end of work first.

And I reach those ends other ends seem more within reach...

The end of a 5k. (done!)
The end of a hike with my best friends.
The end of a triathlon sprint.
The end of a wedding aisle.
The end of a Marathon.
The end of a dating drought. (oh dear heavens...please end!)
The end of a fabulous trip.

It's those things that are getting me up from the comfy hotel bed to get in a workout no one else knows I'm doing and get me to do a little boggy dance on the way back from the gym.

I Did This.

Tonight I was struck by this fact....I did this to myself. I made the choices that put me at almost 280 pounds, in debt and unhappy. I did this.

The thought of this weighs heavy on me. I did this. After having lost 80 pounds during college getting to my lowest ever, 155 pounds, I let it all come back and so much more.

I've been thinking about that time in college. I remember being at a party (weighing 155 pounds and having run 5 miles that day) when a guy hit on me. Frankly, this is probably the first time I can remember someone hitting on me. I looked at him and asked him what kind of crazy he was that he was hitting on me and not the hot girls next to him. He laughed.

I have decided this memory is the perfect reminder of why I did this to myself after having been only 15 pounds away from my goal weight. I might have been a fit athlete to others but I was still the fat girl to myself.

I did this to myself, yes. But I am also undoing those choices and making the future for myself that I never could really imagine being a reality. During the last year that story from college has replayed itself in my head many times. Every time it plays, I am reminded to see myself where I am. I spend money on clothes that I will shrink out of because I need to see my body in those size 16 jeans, in that large shirt. I need to see my cheekbones, my clavicle bones, my biceps. I need to see myself as the person I really am today, the person I am becoming.

And every time I think...see that bicep? You did that.