The Tactic: Run Away the Sick.

It's been a while since I've posted, it feels like a while since I've done much of anything.

After getting home from Seattle, my exhaustion turned into sick and now I'm still struggling to get back to 100%.

Over the last week as I've lied around, not exercising, I've wondered if this is what I felt like before I started to lose the weight. I'm frustrated by my aching and exhausted body and I have a hard time believing that I lived so long feeling tired when I wasn't even sick! The time it's taking to feel back to my new normal is too long and I'm started to be frustrated.

So today I ran. I figure resting didn't banish the sick away so maybe getting back into my old routines will. Running came back today, weights will come back tomorrow. I haven't lifted weights in weeks and it feels strange not to feel strong, buff, excited by my new muscles....I might be frustrated by not feeling well but I am pleased that this rest has made me realize my changes are new ways of living, not just things I've forced myself to do.

I could keep taking naps but today I ran.

Sassy in Seattle

Here's a quick recap of the fun had in Seattle. Good friends, cute clothes, a great haircut, super wedding planning and a fun bachelorette bash....






My sassy new hair cut when it was straight.








A slimline view...not the cutest picture of my face but I liked my curvy and much smaller silhouette. Oh! I almost forgot to mention that these were my new size 16 jeans.










My cute new outfit for Alyssa's Bachelorette party.











Heidi, Alyssa and I after the party. It's a nice thing to have a friend with such long arms. :)

Sixty for Seattle!

I'm on my way to Seattle with my travel books to Nepal and India and tow so my girls and I can start planning the southeastern adventure.

That's right...if you remember a while back I bought the guidebooks for my next goal. 219.8, 60 pounds lost. I was determined to hit it before my Seattle trip and today I did - weighing in at 219.5!!

I'm now on the bus to the airport thinking of my next goal and reward for 209.8, 70 pounds lost and halfway to my goal. Just 9.7 pounds away! Woot!

I'll be doing some much needed shopping in Seattle and can't wait to share pics of my ever shrinking self in clothes that actually fit!

Tuesday Tears.

I cry every Tuesday. The Biggest Loser is on Tuesday and I cry while watching the show. Sometimes I cry during the previews, sometimes the tears come when I'm trying to recap what happened to someone else. I understand these tears. I'm watching people do the same thing I'm trying to do and I can see my journey in theirs.

I understand these Tuesday tears. I expect and embrace them.

What I haven't expected were the tears that threaten unexpectedly on Thursday or Sunday and every other day of the week. The tears well-up during a song, while driving, at the end of a good workout. Sometimes putting on a pair of jeans or looking in the mirror can cause them. A new pledge or an email from a friend may be the trigger.

Is my body getting so used to sweating that when I'm not, it tries to eliminate water from my eyes? Am I drinking too much water? Has the change in diet/exercise thrown me into a constant state of PMS? Every time the tears threaten I half laugh them off, half wonder what is happening to me.

I've been wondering this for almost six weeks now and this is what I have come to think.

When you are disappointed enough you begin to lose belief in yourself, to hate yourself. It was easier to deal with disappointment when I pretended it didn't matter that much and to pretend it doesn't matter, to avoid the hurt of failure and loss I built a wall. A big brick-cemented-rebar-jackhammers can't penetrate-petrified-wall that built over time.

My wall was layers thick. It had been building for years, and it's foundation was laid long before that. By the time I began this journey it was thick enough to block my optimism, my hope, my vision of the future. My wall blocked out my ability to see the possibilities within me. No love could pass through the wall and I was left alone. The wall didn't protect the hurt instead the wall made it so I felt as if I was without any help to heal.

The tears are breaking through my wall. I began to chip away at the wall over a year ago and I think maybe my tears come now because the wall is becoming thin enough that I can feel the tears threatening. There are holes, however small, that are letting the tears escape out.

I am trying to come to terms with these holes. I know that each goal I reach rips out a stick of rebar, each person I embrace as a friend helps to knock out a brick and as the wall comes down I come out, stronger but openly vaulnerable. That is the part I am coming to terms with. Vaulnerability.

In college I dreamt of running a marathon and then blamed my inactivity to bad knees. I finished a 5k and brought that dream back to mind. I used to dream of writing a book and now think I might actually have something to say. And maybe the one I have a hardest time admitting...I used to be a hopeless romantic and maybe, just maybe, a bit of that is coming back too.

Coming back open to the possibilities, brick by demolished brick.

Running To Beat Myself.

Friday I woke up to chilly temperatures, gray skys, the threat of rain and strong wind. After arriving home at 2am Friday morning, it didn't seem like a good day to run. All day was an exhausting mental fight and the less than perfect weather did not help to create an optimistic outlook.

When we got to the registration for the run, I was overwhelmed by the number of people that were there and the number of people I knew. As I saw person after person register who all looked like real authentic runners, I struggled to not totally talk myself out of even beginning the run. One girl I knew was a record setting runner in college and here I was running in my first "race" after running for only the last 6 weeks.

As we were waiting in the cold and wind (thankfully, at least the sun had come out by now) a few people spoke with me, "where is the race starting?", "are you wearing something on your ears?" "are you running?". I thought to myself, "at least my clothes make me look like a runner and no one is laughing at me."

The race started. It was too cold to run in my normal gear so I added a jacket on top of my long sleeves, mom was going to the park we were looping through so if I needed to ditch the jacket she could pick it up for me. There were more than 50 people starting, 50 runners and some more for a 3k walk. It took all of 5 steps for me to start deciding I couldn't finish. I tried to find a person whose pace I could match but I just ended up letting people pass, moving to the right and finding my own pace. My IPOD shuffle and fancy runner's earbuds were my running partners as I strode through the cold.


The first half mile was a path I was familiar with and so were the mental fights I found myself having. It was cold, hard to breathe, my legs were stiff. In the first quarter mile I had decided that I could stop at the park, hop in the car with mom and have her drive off. No one would need to know I couldn't finish. When I made it to the park, I realized that first half mile went quickly and maybe this wouldn't be all bad. I was at the end of the pack by now but no one had lapped me and there was someone just in front of me I could keep my eyes on.

The first mile finished, I'd stripped my jacket and flung it beside a tree, looped around for my second round in the park and got passed lapped for the first time by a runner. As I was in my second loop the fun mind games started again. The woman in front of me started walking and I got so excited to walk I did as well. After a step I started screaming in my head "What are you doing!?!?!? You're not supposed to be walking! Abort, Abort! Lift both legs and run!" Apparently, if my friends jumped off a bridge, I would too, I might realize I wasn't supposed too but it would be after I'd already jumped.

While I was running I thought about how the run was like the changes I'm making. It wasn't the perfect day for a run, but there is no perfect day to start something new, to take a chance, to make a change. If I always waited for the perfect day, I'd never move forward. Sometimes when trying to move forward you splash through puddles, get passed by people you think shouldn't be doing better than you, feel like you are the last person on earth where you are at. In the midst of a challenge it can feel like everything is working against you just like the wind, threatening to push you backwards, making you feel like you are putting in a lot of effort for very little progress. When you can't see a finish line and you're running the path for the first time the odds of finishing seems slim but you just need to keep moving forward and eventually you'll see the end coming.

Step after step, thoughts raced through my mind.

"What's the shortest way around that puddle?
No, your calves do NOT hurt! Just listen to the music.
Why aren't you saying woot! woot!? Breathe, breathe, oh crap! I haven't been breathing!! Breathe and step, woot woot, keep going.
Who cares if you finish last? The other runners are half your size, they should finish in half the time. If you finish in less than double their time you really beat them pound for pound and that is pretty good.
What? There's a person behind you? There are three people, three people behind you! You won't be last!
Ok, the path you know. And the half mile post is just up ahead, just a half mile more! You can do a half mile easy.
Now I'm starting to feel good! Too bad it is almost over.
Lengthen your stride.
Why don't these stupid walkers move to the left so I can pass them without moving? GRRR!
I see the building! Almost over!
Finish! Who cares who sees you.
Listen for your time, listen for your time.
34? did he say 34? I rock. I rock. That's less than 45! That's just 11mins/mile.
And I was NOT last!!!

When I was finished and 34 was rolling around in my head, I had to fight back the tears. Sure, this run was just a 5k, I didn't win anything, it might not look impressive to some. For me, it was a mountain climbed, the beginning of me coming back, or maybe be coming out for the first time. In school I played sports, was never the best and more often than not felt like a bench riding loser. My strength on a team was encouraging others, not scoring points. This run was about Sallie the mentalist and no one else, this was me finding my own stride. My success was all because of what I put into it and I know how much time I put in on the treadmill.

In the end, it turns out 3 people finished behind me. If you want to see for yourself...race results.

When I was in college and running often, I would often spend my runs thinking about how cool it would be to someday run a marathon. Yesterday wasn't a marathon in length but it was a marathon in mind. Maybe after a few more 5k's I'll run a 10k and then maybe I'll run a half-marathon and then maybe I'll do a half-triathlon and then maybe someday I'll do a marathon. Or maybe I'll only ever run 5k's but maybe someday I'll win. I'm beginning to think anything I decide to do is a possibility.

5k Comments

In case you want to mentally push me further tomorrow...

The 5k I've been training for is tomorrow. I know that people who run for real will be racing but I've been reminded how much I like running and I want to run for real too. This is my first for real race after starting running again just in January.

The run is tomorrow at 6pm so you can think "woot, woot, dilly, dilly, you can do it" just like I do while I run if you think about it. Everyone tells me it is ok if I have to walk...I am determined to run it all, I may run at a walk pace but my two feet will not hit the ground at the same time.

PS. I'm starting to feel all athletic and stuff. It's pretty fun.

The Sunday Shuffle.

It's Sunday and I am sick but happy.

Earlier this week my IPod quit working after my run. I tried everything to fix it but after no success I pulled out the product replacement plan I paid for and went to Best Buy. Instead of replacing my IPod they gave me a gift card for the original price I paid for it which made me very excited since I could get double the memory in a new IPod for the same price. So I left the store with a new 16GB IPod, enough memory to get me through weeks of travel in Nepal, India, Bangladesh and wherever else I land.

While there, I got the great idea to buy an IPod shuffle for my next mini-marker weigh-in reward. Mom hid it so I couldn't open it before I hit 225 but I didn't have to wait long. I hit that mini-marker today and got my IPod Shuffle! I am very excited.

Next mini-marker? 219.8 which will put me at 60 pounds total lost, reward not yet determined. I bought travel guides to Nepal and India the other day but have not touched them until I decide if I can just read them or if they will be my reward for the 219.8 pounds. If I decide to make it my reward I will still earn them in time to take them to Seattle with me in April so Heidi, Alyssa and I begin planning the trip to come.

So I'm sick and it's sunny but I'm not enjoying that but I am enjoying my littler body and IPod shuffle. (and it's pink if you wondered.)

The Spree.

The jumbled thoughts of the last week tumbled out tonight in multiple posts. They might make a little more sense in sequence. The first was about the case of the shoulds.

What the Hair?

Grass by Piece of Grass.

I WIN!!

Today I was the champion of an almost 6 day fight in my head. After my lunch break I slipped into my workout clothes, put my tennis shoes by the door, ready for the trail I would hit at 5pm.

I don't know if it was sitting in my workout clothes for hours that made the change or if it was the sunshine or the fabulous lunch I shared with a friend but when I started to jog today it didn't trigger a fight. Two and a half of my four miles were spent running today.

the view from my water bottle.

I kept laughing at myself. "Jog to the next tree", I would say. Before I would reach that tree I would say "Jog to the telephone pole." and on and on the hour went. Sometimes I would set a marker and then decide I needed a shorter goal..."forget the bush, just jog to that tall piece of grass. Then think about the stupid bush." I might have taken it piece of grass by silly piece of grass but I made it a mile in 12 minutes and then started jogging again.

That jog was like my weight-loss. I have broken down my goal not in half but in 10 pound (or less) intervals. If I thought about the end goal I would give up before reaching it because I can't see it, it's so far away. When I was jogging, it was the same thing. I knew the mile marker was out there but I didn't know how far away it was so I made the goal shorter and by the time I saw the mile marker, the end, I knew I could finish what I started. My short goals I call "mini-markers" and still sometimes 10 pounds feels too far away so I break it down to my goal that week. Then the goal for the week is too far away so I step on the scale in the mornings during the week...not to record what it says but because that morning scale step is like the next piece of grass.

Maybe I have a short attention span or maybe I'm just really good at breaking huge goals down into manageable pieces. Whatever the reason, I'm going to keep concentrating on that next piece of grass and eventually I will have reached my goal with a big bottle of water in hand.

The Microchip in My Head.

On Monday, I finally made it out the door with my tennis shoes on. I had high hopes for going out and running long distances with ease while harboring fear of not ever being ready for the 5k that is coming up in three weeks.

When I started out on the trail I warmed up, stretched and started my jog. It seemed when my legs started lifting it triggered this mental battle all over again and I hadn't made it a full minute! GRRRRR.....I was so annoyed. I didn't know what the fight was about, how to kick it, what I needed to figure out to be able to move on. Worse yet, slowing to a walk didn't make the fight stop meaning all I had to finish the fight was my tennis shoes, the sunshine, the trail and myself.

I wish there had been a microchip in my head that I could just download to this post. I might never want to read the transcript but I bet there were some parts that were rather interesting. I called myself bad names. I told myself to ignore the bad names. I asked myself clarifying questions. I tried to convince myself to forget the 5k. I even thought, "man, I wish I had a microchip in my head right now that I could download to my blog." It took me two miles to fight this battle out and at the end of those two miles, all I had decided that all I could do was make it work.

I was freaked out about not being physically able to run this stupid 5k and was scared that trying to train for it would keep me from doing my other workouts and I wouldn't be able to hit my weekly goals. I was afraid I would try and fail. At the end of two miles I had decided that when I got home I would make a list, make a chart and get over myself. When the trail ended, I looped around for the two miles back and started jogging.

The two miles back went much faster than the way there thanks to alternate run/walks. When I got to my car and started downing my 32 ounces I had decided that I would try and everything else would just work out. And I guess, that's just going to have to be good enough.

Should-ing All Over Myself.

Last Wednesday I did my 5k prep and I hurt. It was hard, painful, frustrating and I was having a fight in my head the entire time. Every time I would jump of the tread to grab of gulp of water I would mentally beat myself up for stopping. During the middle of a segment I would lower the speed because I didn't think I could go that fast any more. When the person in the room tried to talk to me I breathily spat out "I chaaaant thaaaalk riiiiggghhhht nowwwww." or "No. I chaaaaaannnnt listeeeeen." Frankly, it was amazing that I didn't stop and yell for everyone to get out and let me do it myself!

I was having a fight with myself and the quitter was winning. The quitter kept saying "You're not so inspirational now, are you heavy breathing sweat-monster?"

I finished the workout Wednesday but fights in my head didn't end. Wednesday night turned in Thursday and Thursday to Friday and I was still fighting....and the fighting made excuses for not working out. Saturday I gave up. I told the quitter that I would give the week up, that I would eat the cheese and the salt and the blizzard that it was asking for since Wednesday but I would only do it so I could wake up on Sunday and the fight would be gone. I weighed in Sunday and saw the same numbers that were there at the beginning of the month and I was pleased. Pleased to erase the last two weeks and begin fresh.

It was Monday before I could workout again. The fight had knocked me around so badly that I was bruised, busted and without the motivation to get going but the day was sunny and warm and I wanted to hit the trail I would run for the 5k and see what would happen.

This wasn't my first fight but somehow it felt like the worst. Saturday when I ate that blizzard in defeat (but still enjoying it mind you) I wondering if I was really defeated or if maybe I did win the fight after all. At lunch today my friend and I talked about should-ing...the things we feel like we should do even if it isn't what is best or what we really want. When I was fighting with myself I was should-ing all over the place. I should eat healthy, I should exercise, I should keep with my program, I should wait until Sunday to splurge and blah blah blah blah blah. No. Saturday I finally said "Forget the shoulds and move the freak on!!" and ate my blizzard because I knew that eating it would satisfy the craving and let me move to the next step.

Should we always follow the shoulds? Sometimes we do the things we should and it makes us move more slowly to our goals because the shoulds keep us doing what is best for us. That's what I think and I for one am going to stop should-ing all over the place.


**thank you to Carrie Bradshaw for giving me my first insight into the shoulds.

Rockin' Out My Reward.

Last Monday I bought myself new fancy running shoes that I earned from my last mini-marker. I've been needing new shoes since my previous pair had been around since March 2006* and given that I'm running again, the timing couldn't be more perfect.

my view from the treadmill...can you see the drops of sweat?

I broke them in good last week because after finishing my sculpting workout video in my hotel room (yes, I brought my weights in my suitcase with me) I got on the treadmill and this is what I did.

Speed Walk: 5 minutes
Jog: 5 minutes
Run: 5 minutes
Jog: 10 minutes
Run: 5 minutes
Speed Walk: 5 minutes
Cool down.

Please do the math. That's 25 minutes jogging/running solid. That's two miles. That's more than since ummmm....2003. That was on the first day of my 5k prep plan.

So to sum things up:

I rock.
My shoes rock.
My workout clothes rock.
I rock.
and really, the hotel treadmill rocks too.

*I know how old they are because I remember buying them while I was a manager in Seattle, attending training in Akron, PA for the first time...NOT because they were a fabulous pair of shoes. And yeah, they still had the plastic loop on them from the hang tag. I'm kind of lazy about fully removing tagging supplies.

Pump It Up.

"Pump up the jam, pump it up while your feet are stompin and the jam is pumpin."

-Pump Up The Jam Lyrics By Technotronic

This is what I've been chanting to myself since finishing my cardio workout at full intensity and length tonight for the first time.

Six Weeks Ago...
I started two Biggest Loser workout videos, Power Sculpt and Cardio Max. I finished Power Sculpt Level 1 (there are three levels and you step up every 2 weeks) for the first time and mom asked if it kicked my butt. I laughed and told her it was so easy, I barely broke a sweat! The next day, however, I was so sore I could barely make it up and down the stairs.

I powered through though and did Cardio Max Level 1 the following day. I was breathing so hard at the end that I thought I was going to pass out...I spent the cool down lying face down on the floor. I was still sore at the end of the workout and I think it lasted, oh...at least 3 days.

Today...
Yesterday for the first time, I did Power Sculpt, all three levels, with increasing weights through each level. I was sure that I would be so sore today but to my glee I woke up with not a sore muscle in sight!

So, today when it was time to workout, I decided it was time to do Cardio Max all levels for the first time. I started the workout thinking, as long as I make it through the first two levels I could quit but decided I could kick my own butt (literally, I was doing butt kick jump ropes) and finish the whole workout. Five pounds of sweat and 50 minutes later I'd completed the full workout and when cool down came I was able to do it upright.

The Morale of My Random Reflection...
As I was cursing and screaming at the DVD player for sticking and thus making my workout longer during the hardest segments...I tried to focus on just how far I'd come in 6 weeks. I was completing exercises I thought impossible 6 weeks ago with lots of sweat but confidence. When things got really hard and the DVD was sticking making the pain last longer, I tried to tell myself that this two would be so much easier at the end of next week if I just kept going today.

As the sweat dried and turned to salt on my skin (kind of gross but very true) I started thinking about what else can change in just 6 weeks. If you choose to be disciplined, can you change anything in 6 weeks? I know I can grow my nails out in less than that. I know that my hair can grow a good half inch. I know that I can go from fast food burgers to fast food salads. If I focused for just 6 weeks could I start my card business? Could I save lots of money for my trip? Could I find a date? :)

In my workouts, I know I'm doing something good when my feet are leaving the ground or I'm going from the ground to the up high. Maybe it's the same outside of a workout too. If I'm taking leaps into the unknown, jumping at chances, going beyond what I thought I could do...it might be hard but it might be really good for me. If I've fallen down, maybe it is how fast I can get back up that shows my strength...not avoiding the fall in the first place.

If I can get so much stronger in 6 weeks, how much stronger will I be at the end of this? I'm beginning to see the possibilities as I sing "pump up the jam" and the possibilities are not all physical.

Giving Myself Full Credit.

Someone said that they thought the thermometer of pounds lost should show all the pounds I've lost so far....even those before I hit the 100 pound left mark.

So I changed it and am giving myself credit for the first 40 pounds I lost. Look how close to halfway I am!! Woot Woot!

Drawing Lines for a Life.

There is a 5k run for Goshen's First Friday event in April that I've been talking about running in since February. I've been increasing my cardio over the past month but have not thought much about the fact that I would have to run 3 miles straight, outside, with other people around for the event. As I was lying in bed last night these realities came to light, along with the fact that I scheduled a work trip that would make it so I couldn't be home in time for the run.

I lied in bed trying to be happy that work was going to get me out of this run but I couldn't escape feeling like I was letting myself down. As scary as running 3 miles straight, outside, with other people around sounded at 11pm, letting work get in the way of one more thing that I wanted to do was even worse.

So I did what I rarely do. I emailed my boss this morning and told him I needed to be home Friday for this event and could he rearrange the training schedule so I could get home. He did. I can. I'm running in a 5k.

I realize that the 5k wasn't the most critical of life events to rework a schedule for but for me it was another step in putting my life in balance with my work. I can say I don't do things because of my travel schedule, I often do, but I can also say I can't travel because of my life schedule.

When I get home next week I'm setting up some reserved "no travel" weeks in my schedule so I can live more of the life I'm fighting so hard for, coming out from under these 100 pounds.

A Supermodlequin.

I want to be one of Old Navy's Supermodelquin so I can talk about my butt with them. If I was a Supermodelquin I would join in conversations like this...

"The best part of being a mannequin is being able to turn your head around so you can stare at your butt."

"Yeah, I have a perky petuti."

"Check out my bodacious bum."

"Nutritious and bootylicious!"

I think I would say I've got a righteous round rump. What kind of supermodlequin booty do you have?

A Super Saver.

I'm a super saver!

There is this certificate of deposit at my bank where you can open it with $100, add to it over the year and get a higher interest rate than a normal savings account. I thought this might be a smart thing for my trip savings.

So, when I was welcomed home last week with my first pledge check I decided to go for it! The account is open and will automatically be added to each month (that's part of the deal of the account.) In addition to the money that will automatically be added to it each month I will be adding to it each Sunday after I weigh in.

I am pretty excited to be a super saver and it makes the fact I'm doing this all the more real.

ps. The bank calls it the "Smart Saver" but I think "Super Saver" sounds way more cool so that's what I am.

The Purge.

Yesterday when I got out of my very own bed was very surprised to see myself in my full length mirror. It had been three weeks since I'd seen my full self and I was surprised at the changes.

Smaller calves, leaner legs and bigger biceps were just a few of the things that greeted me in the mirror yesterday morning.

So what did I spend my first morning at home doing? PURGING! I yanked out the jeans I've been trying on religiously to fit and prepared myself to try and wiggle in. Instead I slid in smoothly, buttoned effortlessly and felt better than I did when I wore them once for my 25th birthday! I just feel like I'm getting so much younger!

A few hours later, piles of clothes had moved into the closet because they now fit. Best of all, piles of clothes had moved out since they are now too big and baggy. Of course, all this purging occurred while dancing around to great music, running out to show my mom and then victoriously throwing the rejects onto the pile of the purged.

My closet now has room for new smaller clothes and I feel lighter knowing all that big baggage is moving out. A weight lifted, a recognition of a job well done and a secret sallie behavior I was glad to be able to do again.

A New Reward.

After three weeks on the road I was home for an official weigh-in today. After my "last chance workout" this morning I weighed in with a new milestone.

229.6! Down another 10 pounds and over 50 pounds lost total.

In addition to those great milestones this weight loss also meant that through 3 weeks on the road with food and stress aplenty, I was able maintain 2 pound a week weight loss. I'm excited, very excited. And in addition to all that 229.6 means I am below my mini-marker goal of 229.8 and have earned myself a new pair of running shoes which I will go looking for tomorrow!

My next mini-marker? 225 pounds. I decided to reward 225 because it is a round number and seemed worth rewarding.

Check out the thermometers to the right for the latest weight & pledge totals.